Hey everyone, I could really use some advice…
Right now, I (24 F) am in a long term relationship (a little over 3 years) with this awesome person (25 M). Our relationship has been really lovely. Sure, we fought sometimes and had some little bumps, but 95% of the time everything felt amazing. I was 100% sure this was the person I would start a happy family with. But for the last 2 months, I’ve really been doubting if they really are the one. I’ve constantly been thinking things like: “Are we really a good match?” “Do I love them enough?”, and countless “what if..” scenario’s. And, just like that, I suddenly lost feelings.
I have to say that I’ve been an anxious person and an overthinker for most of my life. And right now, nothing in my life seems to go as I want. I don’t like my job, I have little free time due to work, I don’t see my friends very often due to having little time… I’ve just felt down all day for the past 2 months. My partner knows I am going through a really tough time right now. All these things give me a ton of anxiety and now I am really doubting my relationship. I don’t know if my love for them is really gone, or if I’m just in a really difficult period right now. Maybe these feelings and struggles are normal in a long term relationship? I wouldn’t know, because this is my first long term relationship.
I just don’t understand any of this, they are so sweet and nice and I was 100% sure that we were a perfect match and we fit perfectly together. Which we do on the most important aspects (thinking similar about kids (how many, at which age, etc), where we want to live, what we expect from our future etc). But now I just don’t know anymore. Google says it’s normal for feelings to come and go in a long term relationship and that love is rather a choice than a feeling, but it really scares me and this change doesn’t feel good. I feel extremely guilty staying with them while I don’t really feel the love right now, but I don’t want to throw this away because I just feel miserable at the moment.
Breaking up seems like the “easiest” option, Because then I won’t have doubts about what to do anymore. But I just don’t want to lose them, and up untill 2 months ago, the idea breaking up would never ever cross my mind. So why does it all of a sudden haunt my thoughts now? I haven’t experienced this “out of love” feeling earlier with them. I just don’t know what to do. I love them. But my mental state and the relationship doubts hurt me. I’m thinking about the state of my relationship and my feelings 24/7. It’s extremely exhausting.
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TL;DR I am doubting my first long term relationship of more than 3 years with a partner I absolutely adored, and I don’t know why. I love them, and it gives me tons of anxiety. I don’t know what to do.
12 comments
Breaking up seems like a stupid idea tbh. I think you’re COMPLETELY overthinking it. Maybe you’re just depressed and you’re not really feeling good about ANYTHING right now. Or maybe you’re confusing “losing feelings” for “the chemical imbalance of being in a new relationship is over”. However, if you don’t have any ACTUAL reason to do with them why you feel different, then it’s probably just the circumstances no. Chill out about it. Put some effort into dating, try and spend some quality time and remind yourself of why you liked him in the first place.
Your feelings don’t have to dictate your life, okay? They’re a source of information, sure, but you don’t have to act on every whim and as an anxious person you KNOW that just because you feel bad about something doesn’t mean it’s actually bad. Don’t make a life changing decision like this purely out of an emotion you don’t understand.
You’ve been with the person 3 years and have had these thoughts for two months coinciding it seems with feelings as though everything in your life isn’t working.
One of the most bits of advice given on here (and it works), take time off and you two go spend time together.
If you leave behind stress and the rest of your life for a bit and spend time with your BF maybe you can figure out if it’s your bf or just unhappiness with the rest of your life bleeding into your relationship.
It’s easy to blame external things for our internal problems. So we hop from job to job, partner to partner, etc in the hope of finding that elusive thing that FINALLY brings perpetual satisfaction and bliss. Of course, if your partner is bringing a lot of stress into your life or you feel you are fundamentally not a good match, make a change. But this doesn’t sound like the case for you.
Life feels stagnant and dull sometimes! That is life. Not every day is pure happiness. IMO most personal growth (and by extension more happiness) occurs from within (i.e. by holding yourself accountable, challenging your patterns, shifting your habits, attitude, etc).
I’m in almost the exact same boat, so I’m going to say to you what I told myself: **Get a new job.**
You sound burned out, and like your work-life balance needs attention. You need time to recharge your batteries, you know?
I would talk to your partner and have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. It may not be fun but hopefully you guys can work through it together or decide to tale a break and reevaluate things.
As an overthinking person, I very much relate to what you wrote. I agree with other people in this thread that it seems you’re overwhelmed by lots of emotions that might be a result of various areas in your life, and not only your relationship.
What I would advise you to do, is sit down and ask yourself the below questions (writing down the answers also helps):
1. What specifically bothers me / causing my anxiety to be triggered? Work/friends/certain actions around me?
2. Is there anything specific related to my relationship with my spouse? And action or lack of? (You mentioned less affectionate actions, maybe that’s something you need)
3. Are there any specific actions that my partner can do or not do, or something we can do together, in order to help with my anxiety/ overthinking spiral? Do I need more time alone / with my partner?
Once you figure your feelings a bit more, have a conversation with them. Saying “I’m feeling bad” doesn’t help you to progress, as much as “X seems to be causing me stress, can we maybe try to do Y in order to help with this?” helps you both to recognise the next steps.
See their approach and their perspective on this. What I find important is their attitude – is the issue a “you/me” problem, or an “us” problem/obstacle that we can work on together? A partner who’s willing to work with you through obstacles is worth keeping, and has the intention of keeping you in their life.
And even if after all you decide to break up with them, you’ll know it came from self discovery and not just being overwhelmed by things that might not be related to the relationship itself.
Best of luck!
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years, she and I have both been through this at different stages too, so it’s completely normal.
I myself tend to get anxiety about aspects of my life and the feelings can be very strong and convincing.
I noticed for myself and it sounds quite similar to you, that if certain areas of my life are not going great, it bleeds into the good areas and has me questioning everything
From what you said, a break away from work and other stresses, with just you and your partner may really help clear your mind.
I love to travel and when I travel with my girlfriend I’m always so happy. It helps us reconnect from our crazy schedule and appreciate each other
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, he’s perfect and anything a girl could want. Yes, we have a little bumps in the road. Other than that it’s perfect. There are days I feel detached from him like emotionally there’s a wall and i think “is he still with me cause he loves me or we’re just comfortable?” “What makes him stay?” “I’m unlovable…” “Do i still love him or we just really close friends now???”
I asked him if he feels that love for me daily and he said our relationship is like the sea, it’s calm and you look at it and smile cause it’s there but other days there’s a wave and you feel it more.
It’s okay to overthink, maybe voice out your concern to your SO tactfully, and just choose love.
Relationships have peaks and valleys. You’re in a valley right now. There will be new peaks on the horizon, as long as there’s nothing actually wrong with the relationship or your partner and its all internal, I’d stick it out for a while and start putting more effort into your relationship. Date more, be more spontaneous, try new things together, go on a trip, plan for the future more. And while you’re at it, you need a new job, it sounds like that’s the cause of a lot of your feelings of stress and anxiety and these feelings of lost love are stemming from it. It sounds like your overthinking is convincing yourself that you don’t have feelings for your bf anymore so you protect yourself from hurt your anxiety is telling you is coming, and that you’ve not *actually* lost feelings.
Give yourself a timeline. Maybe after implementing these changes in your lifestyle, if you still feel the same after 4-6 months, then you should consider your relationship again. In the meantime, it might also be a good thing to be honest about with your boyfriend and maybe look into couples counseling. Therapy might be good for working through the issue of overthinking yourself out of love.
Hi! I am reading you post and I just have to ask one question. Do you have or have you even considered if you have OCD?
There’s a thing called relationship OCD and it’s more or less exactly what you’re describing. I’ve had it and it’s not fun at all and completely overwhelming. It is, however, treat able.
Please look into this possibility, getting diagnosed at 28 and getting medication has completely turned my life around and I am so much happier.
I wish you so much luck.
You mentioned you’re an anxious person naturally. One thing that can happen when you’re stressed is that your anxious brain starts searching for explanations and solutions for the stress. You know you don’t like your job and your time is overtaxed, but changing jobs can seem overwhelming or impossible, so your brain goes on to the next thing.
Also, when you’re really struggling with stress, it’s much harder to care about interpersonal relationships. Chemically, your brain is stuck in fight or flight mode. When you’re feeling constant fear, relationships tend to get sidelined.
Have you considered getting a mental health checkup? If you have any way of accessing therapy, I think that would be a really good step for you right now.
It also might be a good job to start sending some feelers out for other jobs. It sounds like a lot of your unhappiness is rooted in your job. I know that sounds like one more task when you’re already stretched very thin, but your job is hurting your romantic relationship and your friendships.
So I’m in like the exact same boat pretty much. One thing that has helped me is do identify a thought (I don’t love him, we’re not right for each other etc) and then try and find actual facts to back it up vs facts that back up the opposite. Soon you will find that you’re overthinking and that thoughts are just that: thoughts. Another thing I would recommend is to talk to him about it and explain that it’s more of an intrusive thought situation with no facts to back it up, and that you would like some reassurance. Next thing is to plan a date, any way to spend time with him and be romantic. If you’re too busy then ask him to do it for you. When the date comes along try and look back on all the good, easy feelings you’ve had for him before. If this was happening three years ago how would you feel? You’d probably feel like a giddy teenager and maybe reflecting on those past feelings will remind you how easy it is to feel those things and step out of your own head for a second.
I wish you luck and I know how sickening this can be, I hope everything works out!