I’ve always thought that people are a lot like countries: some countries appreciate sovereignty and are collaborative and diplomatic, others less so. They don’t respect where their territory ends and another state’s begins, they don’t seem to care about the suffering and anxiety that their incursions cause. People can be like this too. A society or community is a lot like the UN, where we’re all just trying to get along but there’s always one that insists on making life difficult.
In my younger days I was quite a passive person and I found it very difficult to say no. This was partly due to my social anxiety and fear of conflict / disapproval, which I still have to an extent. The difference between then and now was that I wasn’t really aware of my anxiety which meant that I wasn’t truly in control of my choices and was easily pushed around by other people, partly because of the environments I grew up in. In my late 20s I then veered in the opposite direction, where I was seeing threats everywhere, didn’t trust people and took a few pre-emptive strikes I shouldn’t have . But it’s not necessary to be aggressive to set clear boundaries with people. Its much easier and more likely to succeed if it’s done in a firm but compassionate way.
And it’s critical for your wellbeing to be able to say no. If we get attached to the approval of others and we can only be happy when we have it, that’s a recipe for suffering. You can end up in a loop constantly doing – for example a job that becomes more and more stressful – or trying to please other people all the time, which of course is impossible. We need to look deeply into that desire we have and where it comes from, hold it in our awareness and – over time – choose to let it go.
But what are some practical steps we can take to help us set boundaries in the here and now? The first step is seeing when your boundaries are being crossed. If you come away from conversations feeling anxious or angry, feeling you are being judged unfairly or being coerced into doing something that you don’t want to do, then its important to stop, breathe and reflect. Strong feelings are a great opportunity to gain insight – if you experience feelings of anxiety, anger or sadness after a conversation, sit yourself down and spend 20 minutes focused on your breath. You don’t necessarily have to focus on what your feeling; you just need to calm your mind and your body and allow the insights to come. Getting into the practice of doing this will reveal to you what your feelings are trying to tell you.
If you’re not used to setting boundaries with people, try starting with small things. Experiment with expressing your preferences in different ways on little, uncontentious things so you can get used to saying no and feeding back. For example, if you know you will be asked to do things in work that are lower priority and you don’t have time for, have a line ready – “I understand that this is important to you but I don’t have capacity to do that right now.” Find a form of words that works for you, practice saying it yourself, then practice pushing back on small things.
When you’re ready to step up to bigger things, there are a few things to bear in mind. Its better to set out that you’re not comfortable straight away than say its fine and push back later. Get into the practice of being aware of how you’re feeling and expressing that in a non-judgemental way in the moment. “I feel uncomfortable with what you’re asking me.” Being in touch with how you’re feeling can be very difficult for some people, but your practicing being aware can help greatly – you can set a timer on your phone and stop, breathe and scanning how you are.
Expressing your feelings in a way that doesn’t accuse or judge the other person will allow you to set boundaries without damaging the relationship. Consistency is key – if you haven’t pushed back before then people might be confused or unhappy. They might think they just need to argue more, but you can listen, breathe, notice any feelings you have from the conversation (maybe anxiety), accept that feeling without being led by it and calmly restate your position.
You might feel some guilt and worry – what if the other person is really annoyed at me? What if they don’t want to be friends anymore? It’s important to be aware that some people will use this anxiety as a way to get what they want from you. This is not a judgement on people who do this – everyone ends up the way they are through their traumas and experiences. Feel compassion for the person that you’re in conflict with, it will genuinely empower you to draw the lines you need to.
But if people cannot accept you sharing how you feel, if they cannot accept you setting reasonable parameters on what is acceptable then you might consider taking a step back from that relationship, at least for a while. Saying no is not an invitation for abuse – if you’ve experienced emotional abuse in the past you may be unconsciously accepting of it in the present. Be aware of this. Abuse of any kind is never acceptable, no relationship can ever justify it.
To summarise – start with small steps, train yourself to be aware of your feelings, build and rehearse your language of pushing back and understand when your past experiences are influencing your present relationships. More than anything else – be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for struggling with setting boundaries. Its hard, it takes time and practice, I know from experience. But I also know from experience that you can do it.
[Listen for more](https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/setting-boundaries-and-saying-no-kindly/id1493806566?i=1000556808645)