CW: Sexual abuse
I (22f) was sexually abused when I was a child and it definitely messed me up. My libido is all over the place, my antidepressant makes it even worse, and I can rarely orgasm, but when I do, it’s usually to something that’s NOT the type of sexual content I want to actually expose myself to and become okay with, if that makes sense.
Like 95% of the time it’s something where one partner is completely in control/solo stuff (think facesitting) because I can kind of relate to it, but even when aroused and craving something intimate/with two people via porn, I can never finish and I end up hating myself.
I get overcome with feelings of shame and like I will never be enough for anyone. I get panicky and end up having an anxiety attack over it.
I broke up with my LDR girlfriend a year or so ago and she hinted she may not of ever been attracted to me despite me being attracted to her and that shattered a lot of confidence.
I like men and women, I get aroused and want to have sex with both/either, but I worry I won’t ever be able to have normal sex in my life because of my trauma and low libido.
How do I start to heal? I do have a therapist but he isn’t a sex therapist or someone for stuff like this.
Do I need to just.. hook up with someone or would that make it even worse? Do toys like bullet vibrators help? Would arousal oils help?
2 comments
No matter what, it’s imperative that you come to be comfortable with yourself and who you are. I know it’s hard to get into that headspace, but no matter what you think of yourself, deserve love and respect.
This is just my two cents, so pinch of salt, mileage may vary, etc. It’s important to distinguish sexual fantasy from reality. Just because you may be into something, that doesn’t mean you have any desire to fulfill those desires in person. You shouldn’t feel shame for the things that you don’t have any control over. It can be perfectly healthy to fantasize, so long as you do it in a healthy manner. At the very least you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
Time heals a lot of it. You get used to who you are, accept yourself as well, and eventually you start to feel better. And just because you fantasize about controlling things doesn’t mean that’s what you want to happen to you, so don’t feel shame over that.
I would recommend talking to a therapist that has an understanding in what you went through, it might help you on your healing journey.
I had an incident at 17 that really messed me up with my libido etc, and only at age 28 did I start to feel like I’ve moved past it. It may happen quicker for you as I was also in a sexually abusive relationship for 10 years following that, but just want to emphasize that if I could go back and tell myself one honest thing that helps then it is simply time.