I (37 white non-binary person) have been with my partner (38 black mixed race trans man) for five years and we have a 4 month old baby. We have had ongoing conflict basically since the beginning of our relationship around ways I have not showed up for him in terms of pressing a relationship with my family (who I have had a strained and unsatisfying relationship with but have maintained contact with so far out of a sense of obligation; they are “polite” white supremacists and I am currently in the process of cutting ties but it has been too little too late for him in a lot of ways) throughout our first couple of years, and also ways that I was not seeing his experience when bringing him into social interactions with people in the community we used to live in (I was not acknowledging at that time or being considerate of what it is like to be brought into a mostly white social scene). I was bad at dealing with this conflict and got defensive, often tried to explain my perspective around interactions (well intended but hugely contributed to him feeling like he wasn’t being heard), and a lot of times I would try to deescalate the tone of the conversation or redirect how we’re talking about things (at this point in the life of these many years old conflicts he tends to yell, often uses personal attacks, and it becomes hard for me to feel I can wrap my head around how to talk about things because we often start talking about a recent event and quickly are talking about everything I have done to hurt him). I recognize that this might be tone policing or that he is definitely perceiving it to be… my goal isn’t shutting him down, I do want to have these conversations, but I also come from a family where I was berated when I did something wrong and my last serious relationship was verbally abusive (I’m in my own therapy). To me the way he communicates in some moments brings up an old trauma response and I struggle to keep myself engaged when someone is talking to me the way he does sometimes, but I want him to feel entitled to his anger and definitely don’t want to tone police because that is not helping us communicate either. At this point we are talking about my past behavior multiple times per week and it is fraught. Because I did not create repair at the beginning, now small things that would otherwise not necessarily be a huge deal are reopening the wounds. I feel like i’ve made big progress in not getting defensive and also still struggle with the way he talks to me.
TL;DR How can I engage differently and refrain from tone policing when my partner is communicating by shouting about my past behavior as a white person trying to make amends for my behavior in an interracial relationship? (please don’t respond if you don’t have a lens on race)
3 comments
You need to look at where the need to tone police comes from and in which situations you do it most, which topics trigger that response and figure out why you are uncomfortable with his delivery. Is it because he’s telling you the truth about your family’s attitude, perhaps also echoing your racial biases as a white person and you get on the defensive? That’s also a conversation to have with your husband, why certain topics make him angrier than others and work out how to communicate better around conflict like taking time to cool off, writing things down etc
Marriage councilling could also be beneficial, especially finding a black therapist who will know those issue and be able to offer guidance on your specific issues, if they’re also specialised in LGBT issues, even better
I admire your desire to improve yourself, but are you being met halfway?
You don’t just describe “tonal” issues. He name-calls, yells and uses personal attacks. You’re describing a situation where you seem to feel under near-constant threat of long, angry conversations about your every fault and flaw. Those are race-neutral behaviors and not acceptable ones.
You’ve been taking steps, for years now, to recognize and honor his trauma and experiences: Is he doing the same for you? Is he even acknowledging your struggles or your efforts? Or does he bring out his own large emotions to silence your struggles? Does he immediately pivot to everything you’ve done wrong, when you feel you might have taken an important positive step?
I think you should speak to a therapist about your own needs here. Just because you failed in the past doesn’t mean you should be an emotional punching bag for the rest of time. If this person, any person, is going to choose to stay with you, they need to choose to *permit you* to change and improve.
I’m genuinely worried when I read this that the core issue here is that you have a partner who silences you and isolates you. That doesn’t mean you didn’t make mistakes, or that your family aren’t racists who *should* be cut off, but if he doesn’t share your goal of mutual respect and understanding than it does mean you’ll never behave *perfectly enough* to satisfy someone who *wants* to silence, isolate you, and continuously label you as the failure/problem in this relationship. If that is actually the kind of relationship power dynamic he wants to build, nothing you do will ever be good enough to end the behaviors he’s choosing.
I am a white guy that has had 3 long term relationships with black women. The color of our skin just didn’t matter.
If you hyper focus on something you will see it all around. If you hyper focus on the number 7 you will notice the number 7 everywhere you go.