How to strengthen communication around consent and sexual trauma?

My (TM20) boyfriend (TM19) share a lot in common in some really important ways. I’m so grateful to have him in my life, but unfortunately one of the things we share is respective life long histories of trauma. This is wonderful in that we understand each other, but it’s also really easy for one or both of us to end up triggered if we’re not careful. We’re constantly checking in with each other. This is the first relationship that either of us has had that has been solid and felt safe. We were both raised by very dysfunctional people who did not provide space to talk about our emotions. Shit’s tough, basically.

He’s the one who is by far more immediately affected by his trauma, because much of it is very recent and I am in a better financial/ living situation, so I end up taking on a lot of the weight of making sure we’re both okay. I keep an eye on him, I keep an eye on me, I call attention if something’s wrong and ask direct, specific questions. Oftentimes I act as a service top within our sex life, which is where I’m more comfortable as it is, although I’m more of a top-leaning switch and love when we’re both in a good enough mood to swap places here and there.

That’s something I’m happy to do, and I get plenty out of the relationship beyond the sex and including the sex. It’s just a bit more complicated than it is for, say, cishet couples without dysphoria and/or relationship and sexual trauma to contend with.

We’ve both gotten better at asking for what we want. We talk a little dirty, we give each other praise, we say our pleases and thank yous. I like when he begs for what he wants, and when he’s in a good headspace he likes when I do too. Topping is very triggering for him, though. Being physically on top of me, doing things to me, being on the giving end of anything, all of it is hit or miss. Sometimes he loves it and sometimes it triggers an episode and we stop and immediately go into aftercare. The issue is when I check in with him as I notice him drifting and he avoids answering me honestly. It’s the only time I get genuinely frustrated with him because it’s something actually within his control. The trauma isn’t his fault, the triggers aren’t his fault, the fear he has about saying no isn’t his fault either. But he can control how he responds to the fear when I’m giving him three or four or five direct openings to say he’s uncomfortable without confrontation.

For instance, if I ask him to go down on me, every once in a while he’s into it and we jump into it and it’s great, but most of the time lately he says he’s down to and then shuts down. Not while doing it, it never gets far enough for us to even get into position, just at the very suggestion. Every time, I notice, and suggest we take a break or do something else, and he’ll tell me he’ll be okay and that he knows I want him to do it. I reassure him that it doesn’t matter to me as much as him being okay and that I’m not okay with doing anything that he’s not completely into, and then he shuts down completely and everything grinds to a halt.

When this happens I have to be the one to say I’m not comfortable with things going further and make sure we both get cleaned up and do the emotional labor of going through the process of grounding and reassuring and distracting until we’re both okay. I have told him that I’m not okay with any gray areas when it comes to consent and that it makes me feel less safe when he doesn’t take his own well being seriously.

My issue is that these non-answers put me in a position of having to cross the line between communicating with him and thinking for him. Either I can assume that he’s lying or isn’t being direct and honest and stop everything to be safe, or I can assume that he’s telling the truth and run the risk of putting us both in a situation where one or both of us will be retraumatized. I have to reiterate my own standard when it comes to consent (anything less than a hell yes is a no thank you, particularly when we both have so many triggers). It degrades my trust in his ability to tell me if we need to stop. It degrades my trust in his communication, period. It can’t be a healthy relationship if he’s not willing to tell me no. That’s normal. It’s important.

We’ve set aside time for a check-in with each other on Thursday and I’ll be bringing all of this up, but I need ideas for building on these skills, because god knows we both need work. I’m planning on recreating our first date this weekend, sort of a cute, sexy “let’s start from square one” deal. I’m going to challenge him to say no thank you to me at least twice in one day, and take things super slow and make it fun. I want to reframe it as starting over with our boundaries and building them up bit by bit. May I hold your hand, may I kiss you, where do you like to be touched, etc. Does anyone with experience with these types of complications in their sex life have ideas or things that helped them build that security?

TL,DR: My boyfriend and I are a couple of traumatized little fucks and and it’s hard for us to ask for what we want and say no to what we don’t want. I need ideas to take the tension out of building those skills.