I feel very lonely and unloved waking up alone.

50 comments

1. Travel, just Travel anywhere.

2. I’m with you girl

3. start easy by making small circle of friends due to forced interractions like hobbies, ie dance classes. i met tons of opposite sex people and usually after you become good you go to local dance meet ups where you meet tons of people. I did salsa/bachata. nothing to lose, only to gain.

4. Honestly fake it till you make it and then it comes naturally. takes a long time. constantly put it on your mind to be happy and interesting. watch a documentary and note stuff down that you found interesting. learn something new. generally and historically or stuff you are interested in. The funniest people are the smartest people.

5. It’s okay… just try to remember that you don’t know the future. Nobody does the most common mistake is worrying about the future in the present, and then you miss the present and often create the future you’re trying to avoid since you thoughts are so concentrated around that.

   There is no perfect timeline for life. Life is conscious and it is free and spontaneous. I guarantee you that to try and plan life so specifically as you described is going to lead to disappointment and discouragement.

   You never know what might happen, just be open, trust that life wants what’s best for you, what will make you happy.

6. I was very upset when I was single and 23. I had never been with anyone ever, not a single boyfriend or date. I had one friend that I saw occasionally, and I was miserable.

   I made the decision to stop focusing on not being with anyone…it was hard, but I forced myself to focus on myself.

   I found hobbies that interested me, moves to a new town, got a job that took as few brain cells as possible but still paid for the life I wanted, and just settled in.

   I realized that I LOVED reptiles, plants, and music of all kinds. I started visiting my local reptile place more and more and started talking to a girl there. After a couple months she told me that there was this guy she wanted to introduce me to.

   She gave me his email address and told me to email him…I never did. Months later she asked me if I had ever emailed him. I told her no.
   She sat me down right there and then and had me drop the guy a line.

   Well, after several more months of emailing back and forth, we finally met up and really liked eachother….we got married a year later.

   It’s going to be 14 years of marriage this june and our little girl is now three.

   I look back on all the years I spent miserable, wondering when I would ever find this other person…and I wish I could just go back and tell that girl it was going to be alright, just focus on who you want to be and it will all fall into place.

7. “It is our own mind responsible for love, not the other person” -Marcel Proust. You are what you constantly repeat in your mind.

8. Physical touch is a hell of a drug. I dream of the day that I can share a bed with a woman I love. To wake up and feel their presence and their warmth. Do we wake up together and whisper sweet words to each other? Or maybe I get up first and make breakfast for us both? Ahh, if only.

9. I remember feeling this around your age. I was married in my late 20s and divorced ten years later. Now I am single and rarely feel lonely. The loneliest I ever felt in my entire life was during those ten years of marriage. Loneliness is your enemy, not being alone. That is the struggle that needs your attention and effort in addressing. Being with someone won’t solve loneliness and can make it a lot worse.

10. There are two sides to every coin. I have been in relationships on and off since I was 13. I’ve only been with 4 people and am now married with a child. I don’t want to take away from your feelings on the situation, but sometimes there is a bright side to things, you have your freedom, you have the ability to travel and see things, and meet new people should you decide to put yourself out there. I personally feel like I have missed out on a lot of experiences in my life because I’ve consistently been with someone. It might sound great, but with that there have been severe ups and downs. Relationships can be fulfilling, but they also take a lot of work and energy, and if they don’t work out, heartbreak can be a real stinger. I personally think that if you may not be fully happy with yourself, sometimes that’s the best place to start. There are millions of people in the world and your time will come when you will find someone special. Until then, experience life, embrace the people around you who make you feel alive, take up a hobby, explore your inner self – just live. Being consumed with the idea that you should be in a relationship or that everyone needs to be on the same timeline will only make finding the right person harder. You can’t force it into existence, or rush the process. My best advice is to just let things take its natural course and focus on being the best you that you can be so that when that time comes you will be ready to show the best version of you. 🤍

    Keep your head up 🙂

11. the worst thing i did as a teen or early 20’s was assume that i would be somewhere in the coming years only to be in the same place if not even worse than before. But just know you are still young. im late 20’s and it’s funny no matter what age we all think we’re old and we think our best years are over. 23 is soooooo young! i wish i could tell myself that back then!!!! work on yourself now! so that you don’t see yourself in the same predicament at 25, 27, 29 etc.

12. Same, I’m 26M and I never dated anyone. However, I’m really lucky I have a cool group of friends in discord I hang with once in a while. Perhaps we can be friends?

13. Hey girl,

    I am so sorry to hear and feel what you are saying. You will meet someone soon. They will treat you right and give you the love you deserve.

    Instead of focusing the negative aspects of this post. Go positive and pro active. Try social groups like a meet up (for walks). Borrow a dog from a friend and go to the park.

14. I’d like to introduce you to u/pi_warrior314. You guys should talk.

15. Hey, I’m sorry that you feel this way. I’m 21 so take my advice with a grain of salt, but what really helped me in terms of making the process of meeting new people easier is to eliminate the anxiety of it. It’s not easy to do but I’d tell myself “fuck it if I ask this random person a question about how their day is going and they respond negatively to it, that is their problem”. We have a a false stigma that approaching strangers is seen as creepy or weird but as humans, we are social animals. If I get nervous, I tell myself that these random people are just AI. Keep stepping out of your social comfort zone until it is no longer scary. Celebrate the small victories and you’ll be suprised at how much you can push yourself. All the best

16. At 23, you still have plenty of time to find your person.

    Instead focusing on the regret of the past, you should try to think of positive things that you like about yourself and that make you a great potential partner. Lonliness can be a killer of self esteem and it sounds like you are a little depressed. That’s okay. It’s okay to feel lonliness. COVID kind of killed everyone’s social skills, so you are not alone with that. I find my pets really help with lonliness and waking up alone. Can you adopt a cat or dog, or even a small pet to give you comfort?

    Being awkward and quiet is okay too. I’m the same way, and find that most people find it endearing. You are being too hard on yourself.

    Be nice to yourself, it’s okay you deserve it.
    You haven’t failed yet, but you are acting like you did.
    If you would like to meet people, you should try to join community groups, volunteer, or go have a drink at a pub.

    Don’t rush into a relationship just so you are not lonesome though. It isn’t fair to you or the person your dating.

17. I was in the same place at 23 and then fell in love, lost my virginity and had my heart broken a year later.

    I think it’s gonna happen for you at some point. Just gotta focus on your own life for a bit and make it the best you can. It’s gonna happen.

18. When im feeling extremely lonely and depressed i feel like gasping for air or that im beeing crushed

19. The answer to your problem does not lie in another person… but it’s one of those things that is much easier to accept once you get what you’ve been asking for and see it for what it is. In any case, all the best 🙂

20. You’re so young, you have tons of time.

21. same thing happening with me 😔

22. I heard this quote in Downton Abbey and it kinda stuck with me.

    “If you don’t learn to love when you are young, you never do.”

    Kinda stuck with me, since I’m in the same boat. We’ll get there OP, we’ll get there.

23. Regarding your last point, idk if this will help or hurt but I go out frequently and have no doubt that people LOVE me. I think I genuinely bring joy to others and my company is greatly appreciated by a ton of people. I’m not saying this to be a dick, I bring it up because I know that none of them know that when I go home I usually end up crying myself to sleep and stay in bed the next week out of the same deep seated sense of aloneness that surrounds me the moment I don’t have other people to focus on directly. It sucks that we have to suffer in silence but I have read so many anecdotes like yours and mine to know that we are not some unique freaks. I used to feel this way with platonic connections as well until one day I wasn’t. It didn’t happen without effort but at the same time so much of crossing paths with the right people is out of our hands in up to Lady Luck(still focus on your agency always!!!).

    Romantically there is still a huge void that often feels eternal and hopeless but we MUST remind ourselves that life is surprising. It does not soothe the pain but it does give me strength to hold onto hope when my internal voice is shouting the message of hopelessness.

24. It may not be what you want to hear but there’s much more to life than just being with someone in a relationship. Personally we should all strive to be in a relationship with ourselves, whether we are in a relationship with someone else or not. That means treating our self as if we were our own partner. Do things you want to do, learn things about yourself, learn something new, go out on “dates” and do something fun.

    There’s a lot that can help you feel better being single. Although it for sure takes work to get used to doing things alone but it isn’t impossible.

    This comes from someone who is a single 28m. OF course I think about how nice it would be to have a relationship with someone. But I also try to remind myself to focus on the life I am currently living and not how things could be.

25. Yo, you gotta be okay with being alone. You gotta love yourself before you can really love someone else. What do you think is gonna happen? You’ll get into a relationship and then magically start loving yourself? No, you wont. You’ll feel good for a while and then start feeling bad again because you haven’t gotten to the core of the issue. The more selfwork you do and the healthier you are the better you’ll be in a relationship. Perhaps seek out some therapy.

26. You’ve set expectations for yourself that are too high and you wake up disappointed.

27. Don’t rely on relationships, learn how to get along with yourself bc at the end of the day, you only have yourself. Also, find new hobbies and travel by yourself. It’ll help you.

28. I started dating my first (and current) boyfriend when I was 22. I’m now 25 and I have multiple female friends who haven’t been in relationships. They’re all wonderful and so, so lovable, but just haven’t found the right guy for them. Personally, I’m not worried about them at all because they’re kind, attractive, and fun to be around. I know you’re feeling lonely and unlovable but trust me you’re still 23 and have probably yet to peak! Focus on yourself, your hobbies and socializing. I’m also super introverted and have to really focus when I’m socializing but I’ve gotten better with practice – have a few questions in hand that you can ask anyone about to start the conversation or continue the conversation if things get awkward. People also love listeners, so even if you don’t have a ton of energy or interesting anecdotes, empathizing and reacting to peoples stories helps. If you have some close friends, tell them that you want to meet new people so that they’ll introduce you to their other circles. That way you can meet new people and a potential date naturally. Or you can let your friends and acquaintances know you’re single and looking, and maybe they’ll introduce you to someone.

    In short, focus on socializing or reach out to old friends at least just so you’re out and about meeting people, and things will come more naturally then.

29. I am absolutely certain there is a lot of people (males and females alike) who feel the same way. Just know that you most definitely are not alone with these thoughts. Others here have given many good advices though, trying to keep yourself busy from those thoughts by doing something. I also do believe it is possible to build up the thought in a way, that it bothers way less. Seeing the other side of the coin. Also remember that there are sometimes things in our lives which we can’t really help. And that is okay as well. Sometimes it is okay to go with the flow of life. Whatever that might be. I hope I come across in the right way.. You deserve good things, just like so many others!

30. Ask yourself if you are waiting for someone else to define you. If you realize that is what not being alone means to you, consider exploring your freedom as a single to explore life around you first. You can benefit from finding out who you are first and then finding someone compatible next.

31. Get a cat.

    Boyfriends don’t solve the problem of feeling alone, not long term. Get a cat or a dog and that animal will love you conditionally and wake you up with meows or kisses and you will definitely feel and be needed.

    You need to feel complete in yourself, 100%, before a relationship can enhance your life. If you feel empty without a man, it means you need to feel more secure in yourself.

    And/or you need a good vibrator.

    P.s. you’re still in your early 20s. You’ve got at LEAST ten more years of youth to enjoy. Your life isn’t over. You have plenty of time to play the field.

32. There’s still unfortunately a lot of tradition-driven societal pressure to “settle down” into a long-term relationship in your early/mid 20s (especially in certain subcultures), but I (24M) have recently been reminded by my therapist that there’s PLENTY of time to figure out what I want out of life and grow myself. There’s absolutely no rush to settling into a relationship, regardless of how many people around you might seem to be. Find who you are, fall in love with that person, and eventually you’ll catch the eye of someone who recognizes you for all the things you love about yourself and more.

33. You first love your self and remove the feeling of being unloved. Waking up alone is not that bad. You have nothing to compromise and adjust with someone else. Enjoy this period of solitude and if you are ready to share your life with some one, you will soon get some one. Try to be happy. A happy person brings in positivity and good things happen with it.
    All the best !

34. Same but 24 and a guy. I cope by blaming it on covid limiting the amount of interactions that were possible. But honestly if covid never happened I probably would still be single. I just don’t fit in, and its 100% my fault. It bothers me but oh well. Working up the confidence to seppuku.

    To find a partner you should try online dating. Apparently women do quite well. I’m not sure what you’re looking for but eventually you should be able to find someone. If not, at least all the matches you’ll get will provide a confidence boost. I’ve heard most of the guys on tinder aren’t of the highest quality, but maybe you’ll get lucky and find someone who’s your type.

    I think you’ll be fine!

35. You should break the barrier and go for it. Relationships don’t just happen. You have to put yourself out there, be present, show interest in having a relationship. It’s not that you’re a bad person, or that nobody ‘wants you’. It’s that nobody sees you, nor do they see someone who wants to date.

36. You are not alone. You just have to change it up a bit. When people are telling you “you gotta put yourself out there” part of that IS ACTUALLY going out. Anywhere. Just go out. Concerts. Hiking. Art class. Music class, volunteer! When people say get a pet- I say dogs are more social than cats. Dogs force you to keep a schedule around walking and feeding and you get to the dog park or hiking-and it’s a great place to meet decent people.
    Point is if you want people in your life you HAVE to step out a bit- being alone becomes a comfortable misery after awhile….

37. (38 M) You are still very very very young and I mean that in a good way. You have lots to learn and grow still. At that age it doesn’t seem possible but at age 38 I realized that you become a man at like 35ish. I’m assuming it applies to women as well.

    Long story short, don’t focus on what you don’t have. There is a good reason and beneficial reason for having or not having something at a certain time. Focus on your education, career, personal growth, etc… while you are still young.

    Relationships are better when you have something wonderful to offer your partner. I have been married for 10 years now and I can see people having issues that got into serious relationships at a young age. It stunted their personal growth.

    Hope this helps.

38. Hey 23 is very very early to worry about these things, you are barely at the start of the interesting part of your twenties and by the end of it your life will absolutely be different from now (source: I am 33).

    However I understand your worries, I had the same kind of anxiety, and I regret the time I lost worrying and not enough “enjoying” my life. I just now began to understand that the best option is to focus on how to make my life worth living (do the stuff I want to do, improve in areas that interest me, meet new people and do new stuff…).

39. RIP your inbox

40. I felt incredibly alone and useless at the age of 26.. I thought no woman wanted me. I was bald already at the age of 23, slightly overweight, working a job I hated with no money etc.. at 29 I have dated multiple women, slept with more. And every time I enter a new relationship it feels great for awhile then something happens. And I have always been so heartbroken and alone. I just broke up with someone I saw my first long term relationship with and it hurts.. but also I realize how hard an how much commitment a LTR takes. Right now I miss her, but also I wake up everyday realizing I have the opportunity again to do whatever I want with my life. I could sell everything tommorow and leave to a new country.. when you realize that being single isn’t bad at all you learn to understand that it is ok! Not only that but it is amazing being able to do what you want when you want, focus on yourself, etc. relationships are great but they aren’t the key to happiness that’s inside of you. Once I realized this is when I began to actually date etc. because my attention stopped being focused on meeting someone body to love but loving myself instead. And with that I became an interesting fun guy to date! It doesn’t seem this way now.. but you are so damn young! It’s only been 6 years but looking back at 23 I was a baby and it seems like a lifetime ago! You have so much potential and time to make life happen

41. You’re still young at 23. I’m 27 and currently single (have dated before though). I’m still optimistic that I’ll find my person. But at 23??? You really have nothing to worry about.

    Really, as long as you’re under 30, dating isn’t too bad. Then maybe it’s sparse for a bit until people start getting divorced in their 40s. Then there’s a new pool of singles.

42. Hey! Here is what I have done as a 30yo single female. I have been where you are numerous times and to be honest 23 is just the beginning of (I am sure) a beautiful journey ahead.

    -work out

    – travel anywhere or try a workaway opportunity

    – try a local toastmasters, rotary club or any volunteering opportunity

    – work out I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH

    – try therapy, it feels like you have a support system and someone that is focused on you and your issues primarily and teaches you to feel content alone which will result in creating connections easier with just about anyone.

    -go to your local library and read there (it always gives me the illusion that I am not alone)

    – dance classes, pottery classes, yoga, painting, museums you can do it all alone and meet people there.

    PS: Being alone is peaceful, blissful, and so much better than being with the wrong person or the wrong crowd.

43. As 23F myself, I had the same thought as you did when I was 21. No firsts. What changed for me was dating apps, but I understand that many people prefer not to use them for a variety of reasons, all valid. There’s lots of advice in this thread already, so I shan’t offer any.

    I’d just like to tell you that you’re not alone. You are also so very young. Perhaps not as young as other people with their firsts, but their experiences aren’t comparable to yours. You go at your own pace. Then, whatever happens organically for you becomes that much more meaningful, rather than rushing into things for the sake of it. I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that the pandemic has robbed you of opportunities to socialise and meet people. The loneliness sucks. Catapulting into first-time dating in your twenties is so different from doing it in your teens, and I get that. I missed out on that too. But I think being sure of what you want and being sure of your worth – which comes with maturing – adds so much more to a fulfilling relationship when you do start to date. And at any time, there’s always growing to do with that other person, no matter the age.

    Despite the futility you may be feeling about your situation, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel should you see it through. This isn’t necessarily about attaining a relationship as the end goal per se, but perhaps finding happiness and self-confidence whether you’re single or not.

    TL;DR: Shit sucks. But things can get better. And even if they don’t straight away, or on a timeline you desire, you’ll be alright.

44. Welcome to the life of an average man. Well, except you wont be called incel and told you are monster for feeling lonely

45. you’re not alone! i’m also a 23 year old woman. i have dated, my recent ex and i started dating at 20 but he left me a week after my 23rd birthday. i felt the same way as you, that i needed to start dating young. i don’t regret it, i truly did love him but the heartbreak has been so, so terrible. honestly, there is no rush to get into a relationship. i saw another comment say that many times you don’t get it right the first time anyway. you’re young and still have so much time. i try to tell myself this too, but i still feel the same way as you. sad and lonely now that i’m no longer with someone, afraid i can’t find it again.. but we will.<3 let’s focus on ourselves, i hope you find those people you can be yourself with!

46. 23 is so young, you have a lot of time. I’m 39 now, and I have been in a long term relationship for the past 4 years. But between that and the age of 17, I had a lot of difficulty getting into a relationship. I was either the guy on the side, used for attention, or dumped within weeks.
    When I hit my early 30s I started exploring new hobbies and found dancing. I was shocked at how easy it is for ANYONE to just walk into a salsa bar, pay the few quid for a beginners class and start meeting people.
    I had more dates and experiences with girls within those few years than I had in my entire life combined. And it was easy, all I did was concentrate on getting good at dancing, and the right people put themselves in front of me. I even met my long term partner through dancing.

    I’m saying two things here:
    1. Look for something you enjoy, and do that. You’ll meet people when they see you through your passion.

    2. Try salsa, and see what that opens up. It’s a social dance and will branch will off into other styles of dancing and classes are designed to get you interacting with people quickly. There are parties nearly every day in every major city, and so many friendly people. Just stay smart because like any hobby or community, there are great people and there are the ones who are out to take advantage.

    DM me if you’re around London and I can give you tips on starting off. I don’t really dance any more myself but still know where the dancing happens.

47. It’s important to find happiness in being you, but it’s also important to find decent people, healthy hobbies, and nice locations to involve yourself with, because it is very hard to be happy (even if you are an optimist) at a bad location, with toxic “friends”, and toxic hobbies. All those vibes add up to making things miserable (or at least, not conductive to nice things and happiness). So yes, you need to feel glad about being alive and being yourself, but it’s also necessary to seek good things and good people and to separate yourself from toxic things and toxic people. It’s practically necessary to do that for greater happiness.

    Edit: You are free to befriend me ( : I’m always looking for new nice people to befriend.

48. A lot of guys feel the same way, there is still hope for you lol

49. I got few friend find professional help from people who knows a lot to deal with this kind of feeling. At first, they had a hard time dealing with people. Meeting personally so most of the time they just stay in their comfort zone.

    As days go by, they are getting better.

50. As a married man, I used to have that feeling too. Hated being alone for so long, the gaps between my relationships were around 3 years. Be careful not to fall into the loneliness trap where you’re so desperate to be loved by someone else that you forget to love yourself.

    I love my wife, but beyond the fact that we both love each other and have reached the point of companions to the degree that I can’t imagine my life without her, we have very little in common besides our love for each other. Being alone isn’t fun, doing everything you enjoy alone because you focused on finding a relationship exclusively instead of trying to find friends isn’t a much better feeling.