My partner (36M) and I (35F) have been together for around 5 years now and made the mistake of marrying this year against our better judgment.
Our relationship has always been turbulent. We are from different countries (country A and B) and met in Country A more than 10 years ago. In the beginning, he was not sure about us because he wanted to focus on his career and, well, long-distance relationships are HARD. However, I was persistent and of course, ended up together.
The issues started our first year together. Due to an error, his visa got canceled, and he couldn’t come back to Country A and didn’t see each other for months. It took a lot of time, money, and effort to get him a tourist visa to be with me. These issues continued and he had to leave once again. Then COVID hit and got separated for more than 1 and a half years.
In the middle of the pandemic, I decided I was going to leave my family and my land to meet him in a country in between (Country C). I wanted to give it all for our relationship and he was my priority, so I flew and went through 14 days of quarantine in a hotel room. He did the same.
We finally got reunited. However, I felt disappointed. I bought food and champagne to celebrate, but he didn’t even bring flowers for me. For some reason, I didn’t feel attracted to him.
He was never a conventionally attractive man, but he was thin when we started out and now he has a very big belly. I would say that he is a 3 and I am an 8\*.\* People look at us weird because of that and because we are an interracial couple (he is black).
He is 5’3 and has *very* messed up teeth. They’re all crooked, but not only that… they have this brownish-reddish tint on them as if he didn’t brush at all for years. He doesn’t shave properly either and doesn’t care much for his hair or clothes.
You might think that maybe, at least, he’s good in bed? The answer is no.
I avoided physical intimacy for a while until I was able to brush it off. Yes, he had his flaws, but he was sweet and one of the best people I know. I loved this man, didn’t I? I left everything behind to be with him, I **should** stay. So I stayed.
After around a year, both of us decided we wanted to go back to visit his family in Country B and also get married there. It would make everything easier for us. I told him that if he really wanted to get married I would like him to propose, that it was important to me.
But he didn’t.
When the engagement ring arrived only a week before our wedding, he just pointed at the box for me to look at it while he was on his computer. I opened the box and went to show it to my mom, but then I stopped… I came back to the room instead and told him I couldn’t accept it if he was not properly proposing.
The next day, he bought some flowers and champagne, but couldn’t even ask the question… “Are you going to ask me?” I asked. Then he finally said the words and I accepted. It didn’t feel right.
He paid for almost all the wedding costs because I lost my job and couldn’t find a new one due to us moving all the time. Our relationship was my priority, so I was okay with neglecting my career for a while, especially because he was very supportive.
Things became a bit dangerous in his country during this time, so I decided to protect my mom -who came to the Wedding- and travel with her to Country C. My husband and his family were going to meet us there later because their visas take a longer time to be issued.
Then, the worst happened.
He was stopped at immigration and sent back to his country. They told him he couldn’t come back to Country C again.
I went through the worst period of my life. Spend some quality time with my mother and then she went back home while I stayed in Country C. I started drinking and crying daily. Country B was going to shit more and more, so it was not possible for me to go back either, and I couldn’t afford to go to my own country either.
A lot of bad things happened to me during that time, including getting COVID and being diagnosed with infertility.
It was horrible, but during that whole time, my husband supported me completely and paid for all my expenses.
After 4 months I was finally able to come to Country B and meet him again. Things have calmed down a bit politically speaking, but there are still a lot of struggles and the quality of life is not the best. I am deeply unhappy living here. I really wanted both to live in Country C because it is cheap and good, but that’s out of the question.
We are at a crossroads now…
We have run out of money and I’ve failed to find a new job, so in order to migrate anywhere else together, my husband needs to make a very big decision on his career. A decision that he wouldn’t have to make if he was single. **It would mean quitting some of his dreams.** I don’t want him to. It is not fair.
I wish I didn’t feel like this but I am tired of this struggle. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. We don’t have sex at all now. I cannot see past his appearance and I cannot stand how people look at us anymore.
I have tried to meditate to stop obsessing about his flaws but it seems so obvious that we are both better off being apart in the long run.
My biggest problem is that I have given everything for this relationship these past few years and if we break up I don’t have anywhere to go. There’s no family home for me to go back to. My husband doesn’t have any obligation on supporting me because we only got married religiously (we were waiting to go to Country A to sign but that hasn’t happened yet) and I neglected my career and spent all of my savings on the wedding.
I don’t know where my life is going anymore.
I wanted us to be married forever and have a family, I wanted to be a mom… None of these things will happen if we break up. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am so sad and can’t stop crying.
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I am so sorry for the long post, I really hope someone reads it and can offer some advice. I’m really desperate.