I live at home with my parents and save/invest most of my income because I want to move out within the next few years, so I don’t expect my boyfriend to have his shit together 100%. However, I feel like he doesn’t think his decisions all the way through and it makes me question if he is the right person for me. A few examples:
He said he had plans to register for school this semester, the registration opened back in March but he didn’t start the process until 2 weeks prior to the deadline and was *this* close to missing the deadline in august
He lives paycheck to paycheck, often overdrafting his account, and doesn’t have any savings despite working full time for almost 6 years. He works part time now and lives at home but even when he worked full time he moved out and his rent took up half of his monthly income which resulted in him living paycheck to paycheck.
He spontaneously decided to quit his job last year and went several months without a job before applying for the part time job he has now.
There was also a moment where I made a downpayment for a vacation together and he took a few months to pay me back $600, despite buying new clothes, going out with his friends, etc. He then proceeded to bring $200 to the vacation and we ended up having to cancel a lot of the things we planned on doing.
I told him I think we might be incompatible because I like planning ahead, and I honestly don’t feel like I could rely on him to get things done if we were to move in together or get married. He said he’s still learning and that I need to be patient with him.
Despite all this, he’s super kind and I immediately felt like I could let my guard down with him. I feel emotionally fulfilled but the logical side of me is doubtful.
tl;dr: boyfriend doesn’t plan ahead for the future and is irresponsible. It makes me question if staying is a good idea.
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My general rule for problems that might get fixed in the future is set an amount of time in your head you are willing to invest in seeing if they get better. Do not tell the other person that deadline, as it both creates an unfair pressure and it encourages them to fake things. See if they actually improve, if that time passes and they do not, leave. In this case, I would also add, tell him you want to see his plan for how he intends to learn and improve on this, since he admits he is learning and this is something he needs to fix. That you will be somewhat patient and give him some time, if he has a reasonable plan for how to improve in this area.
Well there are critical pieces in this story.
He “almost” missed a deadline.
He “did” pay you back.
He does get his responsibilities done.
He may not be functioning to YOUR level, but he is functioning. If that is very important to you, then this is literally a nonstarter, you two aren’t compatible, move on to find someone that is more financially focused and organized. The key is that your boyfriend is not WRONG for his choices, he has just chosen a more chaotic and difficult path. You both still get to the finish line, just at different times.
and that is ok.
A kind boyfriend isn’t enough.
You are the same age and you are both still living with your parents, but you are far more mature and goal-oriented than he is. At 24, he is still drifting along without a plan and spending his earnings on clothes and clubbing.
I’m not saying he isn’t a nice guy, a kind guy, a good-hearted guy. But he’s several years behind you in maturity. You are planning your future as an independent adult, and he is still acting like a teenager.
Have you completed your education and/or job training? Has he barely begun? What are his employment prospects?
It’s good you are looking at him with clear eyes, and realizing you’d like a partner more like yourself, someone who gets things done without scrambling at the last minute, who knows the importance of saving a percentage of your pay, who like the idea of a well-planned vacation that’s paid for in advance.
He’s not that guy. There’s a possibility he’ll evolve into that guy, but you should date the guy in front of you, not the guy you think he might one day become.
It’s okay to realize you’ve outgrown someone.
Nice doesn’t pay the bills or put food on the table.
Use this information wisely