I’ve (24F) been seeing this guy (28M) for 3-4 months now. We’ve decided to get more serious and started having deeper conversations like our views on politics, marriage, kids, etc. to get to know each other better. These have gone well as we agree and feel the same way about things. I brought up exclusivity and he said he’s opened to that. One topic he brought up was sexual fantasies. He has been honest with me about the person he was seeing. How they’ve kept in contact. He says he is willing to cut it off but doesn’t want to lose the opportunity to fulfill his sexual fantasy of having a threesome since she has expressed her interest in having one. He sort of asked me if that’s something I’d be interested in not necessarily with her but like in general because he’d like for me to be apart of it. He also thinks that if I was apart of it, I wouldn’t have to wonder and have more control of the situation. I immediately expressed my discomfort with that because shouldn’t I be? He then asked if I had any fantasies of my own (I don’t have any as of now). If I had any that he was uncomfortable with or felt that he couldn’t help me fulfill, he’d allow me to explore that with someone else and hoped that I’d allow him to do the same. Ngl, I have been thinking about it. It turns me on but also makes me upset. I do think if we were to do this, it would change me, us, and my feelings for him would. So I decided it’s not for me. I’d prefer for him not to do it, but it seemed like it was important for him to experience once so I’d like for him to explore that. He’s also expressed that over time, his feelings for me could grow past his desire for this. If he is to do this, I think we should hold off on exclusivity for a bit. What are your thoughts on this?
TLDR
Guy I’ve seeing is open to exclusivity but wants to have a threesome once to fulfill his sexual fantasy. He doesn’t want to cut someone off that he’s been seeing in the past who is willing. He’s asked if I am willing, but if I am not, he’s hoping I’d allow him to explore that with someone else. What are your thoughts on this situation?
46 comments
Lemme tell you one thing straight up that even my own husband said: it’s not your job to fulfill a man’s every fantasy if it isn’t something you also want. My husband too has a threesome on his bucket list, but is totally understanding that I do not share so he’s never asked for one. If you do this it will absolutely ruin this and you likely won’t go exclusive because of the hurt.
I’ve had a few back in my younger years, always a disaster.
So he is stringing along an ex in the hopes of them agreeing to a threesome with him and someone else? I’m assuming this other person is someone he has had a sexual relationship in the past with or currently since you still aren’t exclusive. This is also someone he has no issue using as a prop and then cutting contact with?
That would give me the ick about him in general. If you take a break, I’d probably not wait around for him. He doesn’t sound worth it.
He isn’t serious about a relationship with you. He is serious about using you to fulfill his fantasies and it won’t end there or maybe it will. Any man will tell you that a man who wants you to have a threesome is not in love with you.
it’s never worth it. for anyone.
Tell him you met a guy at the gym and you couldn’t help but notice he is STACKED down there. Suggest him as the third party and see how your potential bf reacts. 🍆💦
Tell him you can’t wait to see that bum pounded like a drum.
Edit: had to make it rhyme
Is he the only man in town?
If it’s not a Hell Yes it’s a No.
I have deeply enjoyed my group sex experiences and my limited exploration outside of my primary partner. Mostly, it’s worked out well for me. Although, not always.
But if it’s not a Hell Yes for you, if this isn’t something you really want in your relationship and in your life, then it’s a No. Be honest enough with yourself to say No, and end this connection with someone who doesn’t want the same sort of relationship that you do.
Tellhum your fantasy is getting railed by two men while he watched. Look how he reacts. He just wants to double dip, that’s all. Look for another guy.
I think you’re sensing the situation quite appropriately and maturely. I absolutely believe the part of you that feels upset by this, and intuitively feels like exclusivity is not the direction to take this particular relationship.
My opinion is that if you want to maintain casual connection with this person, and you can enjoy it without needing the commitment and exclusivity, than that is great. Alternatively, you could choose to let this person go on with his path, and you can free up yourself to meet someone more in alignment with your desires!
From what I’ve seen, even if there’s an element of curiosity and feeling turned on by the idea of exploring polyamory-esque relational styles, if you feel upset by this at your core, that’s important for you to honor! You do not have to explore anything you truly don’t wish to. And if you decide that you actually do want to explore it, than have fun! But don’t rely on his words about his feelings for you “maybe” surpassing his desire for sexual fantasy exploration.
🤍
yeah, hold off on exclusivity. you’ve only been dating a few months and he has another girlfriend…
Dump this player already, come on.
I promise there are better mates out there.
Flip the tables on him. Ask him how he would feel about having a threesome with you and some other guy. From what I see it feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it too ( stringing you along with promises of exclusivity while slowly trying to get you to go with his original plan) and i feel that as soon as you call him out on it he will give up on it.
The *vast*, and I mean **VAST** majority of people in committed, monogamous relationships *do not* have the emotional maturity for a threesome… it almost always ends in hurt feelings and a breakup.
Threesomes are wonderful as fantasies, even as real experiences – usually best enjoyed outside the bounds of a relationship.
Threesomes are fun. But I’ve only had threesomes with people who were really fuckin into it, and with a partner where we both felt really good about it. Nervous beforehand? Sure. But not like, horrified or anything. TBH it seems like what he’s saying is that he’d rather have a threesome than you as a partner, and you’d rather not have a threesome, so uh sounds like time to part ways?
Frankly, this dude doesn’t care about you enough not to put himself first. Don’t date people like this (regardless of gender) anyone who shows you that SELF matters more than WE…get them out.
What the fuck lol imagine the guy you are seeing if you want to have a committed relationship with say he wants to have a three some and make like you enough to not want one ??? Wth lol
‘I really want a threesome, it just happens to be with the girl I was seeing before you. You don’t know her btw. Once we do this I’m sure I can develop monogamous feelings for you.’
No way.
*This* is the best dude you could find?!? 🤦♂️ It might be time to form a posse and search for some self respect and dignity. I hear there’s some buried behind the old barn near the river.
Not just him, but many people fantasize about increasing their risk of std’s, sti’s and genital cancers too. It could be fun 🙂
Girl. Thats a wrap.
If ur after a monotonous relationship it’s not what ur gonna get
Every time I hear or see this, I know exactly how it will end.
Your relationship will end in a dumpster fire, so if your relationship does not matter anymore, fine go for it.
I have been in the swingers lifestyle for 2 years, used to go to a swingers club almost every second weekend and I have seen new faces every time and a lot of tears where couples thought that having a threesome would miraculously fix their relationship.
I have seen someone used this line and I like it.
“Rather leave your relationship with dignity if you cannot resolve your problems”
Do not ruin yourself by doing something that you do not want to do.
What is wrong with you?
I read this post to identify you as monogamous. Is that true?
The disrespect here is off the charts.
This smacks of desperation, tbh. You should be running…
Does the other girl know about you?
Yikes lol the amount of times this EXACT scenario gets posted is astounding. Brownie points for how he tried to bait you with what your fantasies are that may exclude or deter him so that he can get a pass. Girl, “stand up!”
Because of social media and the internet in general it seems like evvvvveryone has a threesome, it’s super normal and if you don’t want to do it you’re a weird jealous prude.
I just wanna tell you as someone about 10 years your senior. It’s not super normal. Everyone doesn’t do them. It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to do that, most people will be completely and utterly understanding of that extremely normal response to not want to bring a third person into your bed and watch your bf fuck them.
Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. A threesome is like skydiving. Suuuure plenty of people do it. Some people love it. A lot of people try it and hate it. Some people wouldn’t ever do it and live a completely happy and normal life without ever having done it.
It’s okay to not be okay with it.
He’s stringing her along because she’s offering a threesome and he’s stringing you along because you’re offering monogamy. He’s just trying to figure out how to not have to find a unicorn and get what he wants from both of you.
I got tricked into going to a swingers club in LA (long story) but one thing I’ll never forget is that walking through the halls and just looking around, I noticed that there were a lot of people crying. If I was to assume why, I’d say it was their first time seeing their partners with someone else. I wouldn’t suggest doing this if you even have an ounce of doubt that this isn’t something you’re into.
Can you imagine asking a man, at the beginning of a relationship, to have sex with you and your ex boyfriend? Do you think he would?
This man is hung up on his ex, I highly doubt she is even involved in this fantasy of his, when did she say this to him? Recently? When they were together? Does he think she owes him a threesome still somehow? Crazy red flags. A fucking communist parade of red flags here. Please run.
I’ve had friends who have been in threesomes. It ruined their relationship. The men kept asking to do it again and again even after my friends said it was just a one time thing to “try out their fantasy”. The boyfriends friends also asked if they can “have a turn” with her. After refusing their boyfriends over and over, they found out that their boyfriends had been doing it secretly on the side. I’ve also had a guy that I was thinking of dating before..ask if I would be interested in a threesome. I asked if he would be okay with a guy, him and me instead of a girl, him and me. He immediately said no and said it was just a thought lol.
Sounds like this guy found a girl that is up for a threesome and then found you to fulfill that fantasy. This will not end well for you.
Don’t do anything you aren’t absolutely comfortable with.
This isn’t an “Expand your horizon by going to an unusual restaurant”. This is a “Let’s go scuba diving on the Great Reef even though you aren’t comfortable swimming in the ocean”.
I’ll tell you this right now, he isn’t going to give in on this. You shouldn’t have to bend to do something that makes you uncomfortable either. He is honest. That’s a really noble quality. But he is telling you what it is and you gotta hear that or prepare to get hurt time and again. He’s gonna have sex with this person – maybe he already is. He is toying with exclusivity to keep you around and to gain a threesome. He isn’t going to be exclusive whether you decide to do this or not.
Marie Kondo that dude. Thank him for his service, but let him know what he is proposing does not spark joy. Four months isn’t that long, it is easier now to let go. He will find someone who is enthusiastically into having a threesome, and you will find someone who is enthusiastically into being exclusive.
Remember: Always read a maybe as a no.
Are you sure she knows about you?
Regardless, you want a monogamous relationship, he doesn’t. If you don’t want an exclusive relationship with him but really want to have a 3some in your life, then consider it I guess.
Tell him yes on the threesome but you’ll pick the girl. Have him come over ready to blast and I’ll be in the corner, legs crossed, wool suit and we will do a few hours of couples therapy instead. I’m a 35 year old male with no degree in psychology but I’ve watched Dr Phil a lot and I’m down to make this happen. Could be the start of a bright new future for you both. Also I’m willing to financially plan with you guys and I can manage your portfolios. I also have no degree in this but I read a lot of wallstreet bets. Thanks
HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS EX and he’s using the “3-some” TO F-K HER AGAIN. He’s not over his ex and you are his REBOUND.
Tell him to have fun F-G his ex and that the relationship is OVER.
Girl the red flags 🚩, red Ballons🎈and the red 🧨 dynamites ARE SENDING YOU A STRONG MESSAGE HERE.
I don’t think committing to monogamy and a threesome at the same time is a good idea. Way too much pressure. If you want a threesome with this guy, agree to it, do it, and then see if you want monogamy together after time has passed.
Saying you will be in a relationship together and then agree to a threesome at the same time? That only spells disaster. People in long term relationships struggle with the expectations and pressure in doing something like this, and this is a guy you barely know. No basis of trust here to know what you’re truly getting into.
From personal experience and opinion…. absolutely not gonna end at one time and if it does it’ll just be a case of always wanting to push the limits to other things that may be uncomfortable or unhealthy. If it feels remotely wrong don’t do it. Also just because some things are turn ons, those same things can also haunt you if you give into them in the real sense rather than leave it as a fantasy. Definitely spend time solidly figuring out what you want, what he wants and what you as a couple want before proceeding. And if you can’t agree or even comfortably compromise just know that it’s probably not the right relationship, because hurt will come undoubtedly.
I had a threesome with my ex husband and his good friend. That was the beginning of the end.
I think he’s gently leading you with softness and loads of bullshit into doing sexual things you don’t want to do.
This guy is manipulative as fuck.
Why is it always about threesomes. Foursomes sound way more equitable.
Welp, I mean… lol it’s a weird situation. I think that If you’re ok with him having a threesome first and “getting it out of his system”, before you get serious with him, It might be ok? But in my male mind, If I honestly thought a girl I was seeing was a good potential exclusive partner for me, I’d forget about the whole fantasy thing. I mean every man is different, but he seems to really value his sexual exploration. I don’t give a f*ck. I’d take a quality woman, over another fantasy meets reality notch on my belt. But yeah… Some guys are way too sex-focused in my opinion. Like I don’t need to live out every fantasy in my dumb head. He seems like the type, that if you two did get exclusive. And at some point another opportunity arose for him to “explore” his sexuality again with someone else, he would cheat on you. Just my guess tho, sounds like his focus is very much on sex vs. quality relationships. Aren’t you upset that he cares more about getting his d*ck wetter and not “missing out” than seeing where you two could go? Seems to me, he doesn’t value you that much. But that’s just my guess.
I mean…what do you want?
If you want it and you think you will be happy afterwards, do it. If not, don’t. He can then choose to let it go, or press the issue.
If he presses the issue, he is unworthy of your affection, and you will leave.
In time, you will find a monogamous partner, and he will hire two prostitutes.
OP, do you truly belive this man would have a relationship with you. I can see him ghosting you after He fulfill his fantasy of a threesome.
Don’t do it. If you have a threesome with him he’s going to want to do it many times. Do you really think he will want to be exclusive with you if he knows he can ask for threesomes whenever he wants? It sounds like he’s still dating that other girl and just looking for someone to have a threesome with.
You wanted to discuss being exclusive and he answered “yeah, sure i want to be exclusive; i still want to have sex with other people though”. I don’t think he understands what exclusivity means. And him talking about a threesome and how he thinks it would be better for you to take part in it because you’ll be in control etc. before even asking you if you’re into that was kind of creepy. Imagine you doing that to some dude you’re not even in a relationship yet. Plus he wants to keep around the other girl for having a threesome? I’m not convinced she would be happy to realize that this is his only motivation.
Generally if you’re gut feeling is telling you something’s not right here, you shoul probably listen to it. “It turns me on but also makes me upset” is not how a good relationship starts, it’ more of a future “i knew it was a bad idea” story.
There is NOTHING wrong with finding threesomes unacceptable. This narrative that normal boundaries around intimacy are insecure or whatever has got to go. Jesus.
He isn’t serious the way you think he is. If you lock him down, he will have an affair.
Honestly it doesn’t really sound like he’s open to exclusivity. Get really clear on what you need from the relationship and then share that with him. If he’s not up for that in a timeline that works for you, tell him you’re out. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something that isn’t a fit even when someone is stringing you along acting like it might be. It might save you years of time!