Ok, first of all let me say that I am a little frustrated, so sorry for my tone.
I have been suffering from social anxiety for all my life and only now I am trying to “explore the human relationship”, daring to be more open with people.
Basically yes, I’m pushing myself out of the comfort zone in order to understand how to be more friendly, confident and not being seen anymore as “socially awkward, creep or lonely”.
Going to dance techno in a club for me is like entering in an arena: although I know that nobody gives a shit about me and that we are just bodies moving together, I feel pretty judged from people and I am shy.
Anyway, all these premises to just say that from my anecdotal experience asking directly for consent never works. On the contrary, every time that I tried to be polite and asked a girl if she wanna dance not only I have been always rejected, but also they looked at me like the “creepy guy” and I feel ashamed. Someone even made fun of me saying “did you seriously asked me if I wanna dance? Come on”
I read many comments of girls in these subs writing that they would definitely prefer a boy asking them for consent, instead of just directly make physical contact and dance, but for my experience it never works.
Actually, the few times that I was able to dance with girls were when I started immediately to dance with them, from the side of from the back, and avoided that first verbal approach.
I am not saying that you should not care about consent! I’m just saying that at this point I’m starting to believe that you shouldn’t ask directly for verbal consent but try to “understand” if there is consent only through non verbal communication like eye contact and physical escalation. Surfing the unconscious tension instead of making it a conscious decision.
What are your thoughts about it?
Although here on reddit a lot of girls say that they prefer a person asking if they wanna dance, from my experience asking for consent will always produce a negative reaction.
Or maybe I am just unlucky, I don’t know.
TL:DR: Asking to a girl if she wanna dance never worked for me. Instead, directly dancing with her and see if she reciprocate is more socially accepted.
6 comments
You are behaving like a creep. Many women will avoid a scene on a dance floor because your behaviour is marginally annoying, but they note your actions.
So, by being a creep on the dance floor, you’re absolutely destroying your off floor chances.
Other than a few situations, “dancing together” hasn’t been a thing since the 60’s. Get out on the dance floor and be a really good dancer, by yourself, and women will note you as being interesting and will want to talk to you later.
More important; Work on your off floor chat game, have interesting hobbies, and be someone that women would like to be around.
If you’ve been struggling with social anxiety all your life and are now starting to learn and improve your social skills, I wouldn’t start with social interactions with women you’re attracted to and *definitely not* on the dance floor.
You exercise and improve social skills by knowing how to initiate and hold a good conversation, with people you feel no physical attraction towards first. But hey, just my own experience, based on the fact that all the “more advanced” stuff like flirting gets a lot easier by the time you have no trouble being social with whoever.
No shit. Dance clubs aren’t exactly my thing, but I can understand how your observation would obviously be true.
No lie, I’m pretty good with the ladies, but going to a club and dancing is still something I’m not comfortable doing.
It’s good that you’re trying new things, but you don’t have to try absolutely EVERY thing.
Turns out you can pick up girls at the grocery store. Who knew?
Don’t ask for consent. This is some woke ass liberal craziness. You don’t need to ask anyone for consent to dance with them at a place where people go to dance. If they don’t want to dance, they will give you the cold shoulder and you get the hint and fuck off. I seriously once listened to a podcast about flirting and one guy advocated that you should ask for consent to give someone a compliment. You can’t make this shit up!
But here is your problem. Your problem is actually the shyness and social awkwardness. While you can force yourself to talk to or dance with a woman, if you are approaching her like you are about to dismantle a bomb it will do you no good.
So start small. Start by trying to have small talk with 3-5 people minimum a day. No expectations, no agendas, all kinds of people, not just attractive girls. As you get more comfortable with this, expand who you talk to and this will include women who you happened to be attracted to. Eventually your shyness and awkwardness will go away.
Another exercise can be to approach random people and tell them that you have always felt shy and that it has impeded your socializing and you just want to feel comfortable talking to people. Most people will likely sympathize with you and eventually you will find out that you don’t really feel shy anymore.
People go to a club to dance and have fun, not necessarily hook up. When I go out and just vibe I get approached. Go and have fun and don’t have expectations and less people will think you’re creepy.
The problem with dance clubs is a lot of women go there to drink and let loose with their girlfriends, not necessarily to get dry humped by random male strangers. And while you may be a gentleman, a lot of men aren’t and will take consent to dance as consent to grope. I find it equally awkward if a man walks up and asks me to dance vs. just suddenly starts dancing with me out of nowhere. Even if the guy is attractive and smells good, it comes across kinda presumptuous to not even say hello first. if I don’t know you from Adam, chances are I don’t want to be physically close with you yet. It’s better to just walk around and strike up casual conversations with any people who seem open to it – and not just attractive girls. Once girls see you being non-creepy/sociable and have a friendly conversation with you, they’re more likely to dance with you if they see you out on the floor because you aren’t just some stranger.