I have dated my girlfriend for about 7 months now. This is my first relationship and I love her. The relationship has been well, but there have been some hang ups. And some subjective red flags. These are my observations below. I don’t think she would cheat in the near future..but I am worried when shit hits the fan, she very well could.
Negative Observations:
1. Has these waves of insecurity and narcissism. One day she might feel insecure about herself and feel ugly. And other days, she will feel really confident…one time she was looking at herself and said “how can you bare to even look at me..” She did it as a joke, but it still felt hurtful. Her emotions can be really unstable and I’m worried she might give in if she is feeling insecure one day.
2. Didn’t mention me to a past fling asking her out. A guy she hooked up with a couple time years ago has repeatedly messaged her asking her out and she always shows me and we laugh about it together. Well one day, he reached out politely and she responded politely without engaging him. He ultimately asked if she and her friends were down to go to a club with him and his friends all she said was “sorry I have dinner plans this weekend”. I was upset she didn’t mention me and ultimately she blocked him.
3. Last relationship was traumatic and abusive. It was 4-5 years ago. Since then, she dated around and only had sex with 2 men. But never got intimate with anyone until me. She also took a year to not really date. She hasn’t had therapy yet and I am worried she might project her trauma onto me one day.
4. A stranger was taking pictures of her and she seemed flattered. After I told her, she casually decided to apply lip balm (not in a flirty way), but I think she enjoyed the attention. I was a little bit off put, but she says stuff like that has happened all the time to her and her friends and no point in being confrontational.
5. When we argue, she gets emotional and changes her demeanor. She gets really aggressive and impatient and it takes a while for me to get her to take genuine accountability (not just saying sorry and moving on). Then, she’ll get really anxious the next day after the fight is over on whether I still love her. Most recently, she did take accountability and say she will be more patient and try therapy or something else to control her emotions / when she gets anxious.
Positive Observations:
1. Never gets jealous and has never been upset with me when it comes to other girls. She really trusts me and has never suspected me of anything – even when I went to catch up with a girl I had feelings for a few years ago (but she saw me platonically)
2. Very transparent with her phone. She won’t bat an eye or even get remotely bothered when I use her phone. Very transparent with her messages. We both know each other’s passwords and have locations shared with each other.
3. She does a lot for me. She lets me stay over with her at her apartment every weekend for multiple days. She bought expensive tickets to visit me when I was on a work trip for a month only to see me for a weekend. She will cook for me, show physical affection for me, tell me she loves me frequently, etc. Basically – when things are good and shit hasn’t hit the fan and she is happy with me, she is the best girlfriend ever.
4. Always reassures me when I am insecure. She will never take it personal when I get insecure about something. She is really patient.
5. Her friends are all in relationships and they are all good people. None of them have cheated except for one (but her relationship was toxic to begin with and on and off)
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Any advice on how to deal with these observations?
TLDR: 7 months into relationship with gf and not sure how to make sense of my observations.
5 comments
I see some red flags, from you. I hope she sees them too.
Negative Observation #2 – what are you making this mean? Get clear on what you’re making this mean and confronting the reality of whether that assumption is correct based on how this person treats you. If the underlying fear was just that she wants to be with this person because she’s interacting with them, then her shutting down the request and blocking would prove the assumption false. So clearly there’s a whole lot more you’re assuming about her choosing not to mention you and you’re likely also using the typical justification – if it were me, I would do xyz because I love her therefore she should do xyz if she loves me – which is a concept in romanticism that is problematic on many levels.
Positive Observation #4: you appreciate her reassurance but don’t acknowledge your failure to offer the same patience/reassurance when she’s experiencing insecurity. If you’re using the justification that it’s contextual when you’re the one feeling insecure whereas when it’s her, it is a flawed aspect of who she is and that’s why I can’t give the same support and she provides, that’s another common justification that is problematic.
>Basically – when things are good and shit hasn’t hit the fan and she is happy with me, she is the best girlfriend ever.
Caution here to be mindful of the extent to which you define “best girlfriend ever” as a partner who caretakes aka mothers you (taking care of the cooking/cleaning, buying you things you need even when you don’t ask, take responsibility for your feelings, actioning activities that primarily benefit you that you should be responsible for…). It is a common gender norm that has become increasingly problematic as we start to question more the uneven physical/mental/emotional burden assumed by women in relationships and men’s obliviousness to this inequality.
>When we argue, she gets emotional and changes her demeanor. She gets really aggressive and impatient and it takes a while for me to get her to take genuine accountability (not just saying sorry and moving on).
It is normal for people to struggle with being rational during arguments. For that reason, taking a break when things escalate and then returning to the convo when everyone is calmer is a good self soothing strategy. It sounds like this could benefit you two.
>Then, she’ll get really anxious the next day after the fight is over on whether I still love her.
If this is a problem for you, it’s up to you to communicate a boundary – *Gf, it makes me really uncomfortable when you rely on me to manage your anxiety with these same questions after we have a disagreement. I need you to figure out how to sit with your anxiety in these moments instead of turning to me. If it helps, I can prepare a lovely note reassuring you of my love that you can go back to you when the anxiety sets in in those instances.*
What I get from reading this comes down to one thing:
YOU are really, really afraid of being cheated on.
And that’s okay. Just be aware of how you may be projecting those fears onto her and seeing “red flags” where there are none, making issues out of non-issues, and essentially allowing your brain to keep trying to prove itself right about the belief that you’re going to get cheated on and therefore need to sniff out any possible indications of it happening so you can protect yourself from it.
Like in your negative #3: fear that she MIGHT (making a judgement from something that hasn’t even happened = fear) project HER trauma onto YOU one day. It looks like you’re already projecting yours onto her.
Personally, I feel that all the “negatives” listed are very normal human behaviors, and all the “positives” are, indeed, very positive. (Except #2. That’s actually less about her and more about, once again, YOUR fear of being hurt.) She sounds like a good partner. Don’t let your own fearful mind sabotage a potentially vey healthy relationship.
I highly respect that, from your replies, you seem very open to constructive feedback and have a good level of self-awareness. Wishing you the best in your relationship!
Most people do not change. Most people hide the ugly side in the beginning of relationships. Do you want to livev with a woman that behaves 1.25 times worse than this? Do you want your future children to “enjoy” this behaviour? If not..end it.
After your first point I couldn’t read any more… STAY AWAYYY from INSECURE people best advice I can ever give you.