My boyfriend graduated in May 2021 with a bachelors degree. I graduated May 2020 but have worked all throughout college and have my own business. I don’t understand the job struggle and feel for him, but I had to push him to finish college and get his degree. I tutored him and helped him with assignments when we were still attending community college. I’ve helped or urged him to get jobs when he was unemployed. He works part time now and earns a decent amount, but not enough to pay a mortgage, property tax and utilities.
I want to move on to the next step. We both live at home and don’t have to pay rent or utilities, but I want to own a home soon. I’m ready, but my frustration is building since I am waiting for him.
He is super sweet to me and we get along in every aspect. I love him so much and we grew up together. We’re open with issues and always come to a compromise. We have been together for 9 years now. My worry is that his behavior is a repeating pattern and if he can’t get a job now, he will be unmotivated in the future and not reliable. He has promised me to find a full time job and be a person I can rely on, but since then months have gone by and nothing has changed.
Do I stay with him? Does anyone else have experience navigating this situation?
Tl:dr Unmotivated bf can’t find a full time job.
6 comments
I think you have to say what you want and see if he agrees.
Then agree who does what and how towards those goals.
Then you have to let him get on with it without your interventions / management.
Who knows, he may surprise you if allowed to find his own way.
And if not, you have a decision to make.
So it seems like for the entire relationship (since you were kids basically), you’ve had to work nonstop to make sure he went to school, did his homework, got a job.
Did you help tie his shoes too?
Look, I don’t mean to be harsh here, but that sounds exhausting. What I’m reading is that you have an idea of what unmotivated is. For you, being motivated is college and a job and maybe your own business. It means owning your own home and building a life together.
For me, being motivated would be getting the fuck out of nursing, moving into the woods and raising goats or something. Some of us just want to stock cans of soup at Walmart so patients don’t spit on us and call us names (it’s me, I’m that person)
Maybe someone looks at your existence and thinks “Wow, she’s so unmotivated. She’s not even a world renowned XYZ and doesn’t make $1 million a year.” You have to accept that some people are not cut out for any kind of meaingful job, or college, or owning a home.
He’s shown you who he is. Imagine you having to pick up the slack. Imagine years of him going from part time to part time job, paycheck to paycheck. He is unmotivated per your own personal definition. You two are not compatible.
I definitely would not move in with him until he has a full time job and can prove that he can stay in it for a year…oh and he has to save X amount of money…all that I just wrote, is work you will have to be doing to make sure he’s on track.
More handholding. It never ends.
Is that really what you want?
He is not going to change if things stay the same. Do not carry this man through life.
If he fills your cup with love and meets your physical needs then it’s worth working on. Often I see the reverse of this, where a successful guy will carry a lady along who meets his emotional and physical needs. It’s all about what works for you. You may get successful enough that you prefer a stay at home nanny and father for your kids. If so, this guy is perfect. If you want to be showered with stuff and spend your time at home then rethink this arrangement. I wish you luck and I’m happy to hear you both treat each other well 🙂
Does he use intoxicating substances? Smoke weed or drink beer? Give him an ultimatum, get sober or get out. Tell him his drug and alcohol use is making him passive and holding him back. It may be that because you’re enabling him you are the one holding him back and if you break up with him he’ll get his act together to prove to you he’s not such a loser after all.
Op, I stopped reading half way. No, no, no. You will regret if you stay. Move on now when you are still young. Don’t waste your time.