after years of my mom talking to me about grades and nothing more, i got tiered of it and last time she told me about if i had done my homework or not i said to her “do you realize you only talk to me about my school and nothing more?” She got angry but soon realized that being angry wouldn’t help anything and asked me what was a problem, do I hate her? Isn’t she doing enough for me? Like i get it, she has busy graphic and comes home late, and i am not really open person too, but i have no problem talking to people who are interested in me. After i said that i dont hate her she doesn’t believe me and says i should give her 2-3 years and i will get what i want and she will fly out of the country, it is painful to hear my mother cry and i might not love her like other people love their mother but i truly font hate her, please help me what i should i do.
Tl;Dr my mom thinks I hate her while I clearly tell i dont have any reason to hate her, i also tell her she is the reason i don’t want to learn but i don’t tell her what exactly is the problem because it is too late and pointless to tell but she still want to know.
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“I don’t hate you. I love you and because of that I want to feel like you have more of an interest in me than just my grades. I want you to be my mom.”
I mean it’s a parents job to make sure you are doing well in school. She probably wants you to do well in life. If you want her to understand you have to talk to her about stuff and if you are only 15 it’s not to late to do that.
Is your mother from a culture that values academic success over everything else? Where just being good at school and getting decent grades is treated almost like you are a failure for not being at the very top of the class?
Does she always twist what you say to make you feel bad for her instead of actually addressing your concerns? Sounds terrible.
So just do what you do now and ignore her like usual and when you turn 18 she can go live her life how she wants
She’s trying to put the burden of her own failings on you so that you will feel bad for her and she will have the upper hand. You have done nothing wrong.
My mother does the same. She complains that I and my siblings hate her, even though that is not true in the slightest. She cries about me hating her just because I do not live close to her. Any suggestion that she is doing something incorrectly turns into my mother asking “Am I a horrible mother? Do you hate me?”
This is an emotional manipulation. I was much like you when I was your age: I barely spoke with my mother. I felt very awkward saying “I love you” and had no desire for her affection or any closeness. I was closed off and private about my life. Whenever my mother would find something to lecture me about, I would think to myself “How does she have the nerve to address these subjects when she doesn’t know the first thing about my life? Why does she think she knows me so well?”
She didn’t know me at all. She still doesn’t know me very well, because she is more interested in *her idea of who I am* than in who I truly am. I love my mother, but I have never been able to convince her of that fact.
I learned that we are not responsible for making people believe us. We can present the truth, and the truth is not up for debate. Those who hear our truth can choose to believe it or disregard it, but after we have shown them how we feel, we are not responsible for making them believe us.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can tell you that your mother does not believe that you hate her. If she did, she would not be complaining to you. She is seeking comfort and validation through you, making statements about moving away from you “to make you happy”, but these are only designed to trigger certain responses from you.
If somebody hates you and you want them to love you, you do not complain you them. Instead, you identify the problems that caused the relationship to suffer and you work toward resolving those issues. You act in love towards that person in the hopes that they will love you in return. Your mother does not believe you hate her, she simply wishes you would adore her even when she has done nothing to earn your adoration.
I know this is tough, but this is not your responsibility. Be loving, but do not feel responsible for helping your mother with her emotions. She is a grown woman, she can find the solution if she truly wishes. If you want a closer relationship with her, pursue one, but do not feel guilty about what she is saying. This is not your fault!