I (m32) have been friends with this girl (f34) for about seven months. She is very important to me. I talk to her multiple times a day and we see each other multiple times a week. She calls me in the morning as soon as she wakes up and we say I love you to each other. I actually really like doing things for her that make her happy. When we met we were both going through a bad breakup and we have both been there for each other.
She’s amazing. Several times we have said the same thing at the same time and we are so much alike, even the same mannerisms. She reads my mind sometimes and knows what I’m thinking. I feel like I need her and I think she needs me too. She relies on me for a lot of emotional support. She has said I’m the most important person in her life and I have said the same thing to her.
I want to be more then just friends with her. We’ve talked about it and she said she just needs time. All this time, we have never kissed, never had sex, I’ve never had my arm around her, and it’s not for a lack of trying. I get rejected every single time. I’m tired of trying. I do buy her stuff and spoil her. She cooks for me a lot. We do things for each other.
Since meeting her, I don’t want anybody else. I want her. I don’t think she wants me though. She’s never said she isn’t interested in me, just that things take a lot of time. I’m done trying though. Like if she wound up with somebody else I would be really fucking hurt.
What do I do? Part of me is thinking even though it would really hurt maybe I should give up and move on.
Tldr; I’m in the friendzone and it fucking sucks.
29 comments
Trying to find where it states in your post that she’s obligated to date you.
The fact that *you*:
> feel like I need her and I think she needs me too
…doesn’t change the fact that:
> I get rejected every single time
If she *wanted* something more from you, she would either be *asking* for it, or accepting it when you offer it.
She is not, which means (and I’ll say this really slowly):
She. Does. Not. Want. It.
She *definitely* doesn’t want it now, and she *might* not want it in the future.
But you’ve decided that she *does* want it (in fact, that she “needs” it) and that it’s only a matter of time before she finally gives you what you want, which is to say, “access to her body”.
> What do I do?
You respect the fact that she has told you that she is *not interested in anything other than friendship right now*, and you stop basing your interactions with her on pressing her to move at *your* pace instead of her own.
Things like this:
> I’ve never had my arm around her, and it’s not for a lack of trying
…prove that what *she* wants, what *she* is comfortable with, don’t matter to you; you keep trying and trying and trying to move at *your* pace, and she has to reject you. Every single time.
You should move on. Because you are not respectful of her needs.
If she read this post, would she say she felt the same way?
She may not be attracted to you in a way that makes her have romantic feelings. That’s not a fault on her or on you; you just became her person in a different way.
You should try dating someone else to see if those same feelings spark with someone else.
>What do I do?
What do you do? You do nothing… because she has already told you **on multiple occasions** that she is not wanting a romantic relationship with you.
>I do buy her stuff and spoil her.
She’s not your gf. Stop treating her like one… because you’re not doing it “out of the kindness of your heart” … you’re doing it because you want a romantic relationship with her even after she has told you that she doesn’t want one with you.
If it hurts you that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, you need to ask for less contact or even no contact so that you can find someone that does want a romantic life with you.
I’ve been in this exact situation. My recommendation. You move on. Either cut contact or take some time to distance yourself.
If she is truly a friend she’ll understand. Otherwise you’re torturing yourself. It’s painful to have feelings knowing that it will never be requited.
A few points.
1. You’re not respecting her desire to be friends if deep down you want more.
2. You’re not respecting yourself if you stay in this. You’ll be forever stuck wanting her and missing out on people who do want to be with you.
A quote that a good friend said to me when I was in your shoes.
“You shouldn’t have to convince someone to date you, they should just want to be with you”
Don’t be like me. My friendship ended with my friend. I wish I could have handled it better that way I could have saved the friendship. But the world continues to spin. Just give yourself some space to grieve for your unrequited feelings. And rekindle your friendship when you no longer have feelings.
No fucking way you’re in your thirties and still this dense. Stop trying to convince people to like you. She has told you repeatedly she only wants friendship. Stop trying to change her mind and accept things as they are. You clearly can’t be just a friend to her, so your only option at this stage is to walk away.
Move on. Find somebody who desires you.
You gotta start treating her a normal friend, like one of your buddies. Stop the morning calls, the favors, the gifts. She is relying on you and turns to you because you do so much for her and are so emotionally available. You don’t have to go no contact but limit your contact. The cooking, the favors, the morning calls… Next time you interact, ask yourself if platonic friends do this. If a relationship is what you’re after, talk to other women.
She’s using you. Break it off and move on.
You are blinded by your feelings and don’t see how you are expecting to do all the process in one instead of two. If she rejected you every time, it means your approach is totally wrong: you shouldn’t have tried again after being rejected the first time, because if things are made in 2, you should have waited for her input, with her times, with her way of seeing it. So it’s obvious you keep trying and nothing happens because you never given any space for the step 1, together. She never chased you, never had the time to try, if she was interested. And she is 34, it’s not like she is 14 and doesn’t know where to start…
So in the remote case you have still chances, absolutely stop any possible avance on her regards: don’t try putting your arm around, don’t buy het gifts, don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if she was a male friend, at all. Leave the space and let her peek to see if she wants to refill that space with some moves from her side, to let you understand her interest (clearly, not in a friendly way only).
Her cooperation is absolutely necessary to go to any other step, but you might have burnt your chances already by investing too much in doing the first step “your way” and insisting a lot without any of her investments in that. Being granted is the worst, and further: the more you invest (actions or even emotional energy) in someone else, the more you will care because you somehow create a “debt”, and valorize this person. The more you receive without having to give anything back, the less this person will look valuable to your eyes.
So you can understand where you are with her… And what you should let her do to see more value in you. So, the more you get colder and detached, the more you increase the chances she could have the inspiration to invest something herself. The opposite brings to the opposite direction.
And this is exactly why people get friendzoned most of the times, though: they don’t see the unbalancement they are creating and how the other person gets pushed away, loaded of responsibilities to not hurt the one in love, and doesn’t see a big value with that person at all, who sells themselves so cheap and keeps lowering the price.
Side note: by investing so much and creating so much debt, you get addicted to the cycle because you want to get something back, and the more you invest, the more you need it, the more you invest again in the attempt to get it. You trap your own self. And what you don’t want to lose is not her entirely, but mostly the idea of what she could be, which is anyway not the reality, and is not the reality she participates in…
Not going to be as harsh with you as some posters on here. I’m going to assume everything in the post is accurate
You were both going through a bad breakup when you became friends and supported each other. Your feelings have became more than platonic, hers haven’t. Neither of you can help your feelings. There isn’t a bad guy on that front.
You are talking to this girl on the phone multiple times a day. You are hanging out multiple times a week. You are putting a lot of time and emotional energy into this relationship and it’s going to prevent you from developing new ones.
I think it would be wise to put some barriers between the two of you tbh, try to get your feelings in check, and either move on or revert back to a platonic relationship.
She’s calling you up every morning, she’s telling you she loves you. You’ve been open about your feelings with her, I actually think she’s a bit of a shit for continuing with that behaviour. She’s keeping you in her orbit, she may not mean to do you harm but she is.
You’re her crutch, the thing with crutches is you don’t keep carrying them when your leg heals.
So yeah, distance. If you don’t I think it’s very likely that you’re going to be crushed when she dates someone else and either become a “Nice Guy” or resentful as hell when the friendship dies.
Something similar happened to me about 3 years ago when I (25F) was going through a rough breakup, my best friend (25M) was also going through a breakup and we were there for each other. For me it was simply the quality time but he began having feelings for me. Didn’t turn out great, we are still friends but he took me rejecting him very harsh. I just wasn’t ready for something serious and it felt weird with him given that we were so close and he saw me at a vulnerable place. Until this day I do not think I was the right person for him, we just had gone through a lot together for being there for one another.
Two years later I met a wonderful man, I knew right away this was the person for me and vice versa. The feeling of wanting to be together has to go both ways. Don’t try to push for this if she isn’t feeling it OP. Not cool to her or for you, you also deserve someone who takes a look at you and knows your their person.
using the word “friendzoned” and still trying to convince her to date you shows that you don’t think of her as a friend. you see her as a crush/potential vessel for romantic feelings. it seems like she desperately needs a friend and you are not capable of being her friend. she is not capable of being your girlfriend because she is not romantically attracted to you. your continued closeness is hurting you both, as neither of you can give the other what they want/need.
put it in those terms when you tell her that you two need to back off from this constant close contact. that doesn’t necessarily mean no contact, but you both need to pull back and spend more time with people who can provide what you each need.
You are behaving like teenager for your age. She clearly doesnt want you and still you are trying to convince her otherwise. Stop hurting yourself and waiting for her when she wont be with you at all. You should be looking for someone who will want you, not convincing someone to want you. Tell her that you need to cut ties with her to lose feelings towards her
I promise you, if you stop trying, she will become interested. Youre trying too hard. Do NOTHING. She can see that you’re trying and maybe if she were in a different headspace she’d be able to try dating. Just not now. Stop spoiling her and treating her. Stop doing nice things for her to try to get her to notice you or want to be with you. You cant buy love and affection. Just be nice and be a good guy. But keep it clear to her that you are interested in her and would love to show her if she desires it.
Sometimes, somebody has to see what they may be losing out on in order to understand what they want or need. But nobody will recognize that when they are emotionally unable to. Dont try to get her to deal with you on your time. Enjoy your life, go out, date, have fun. If shes the next one, she will reciprocate.
Friendzone implies you are her friend. You are not her friend, you’re the guy trying to sleep with her. There is a difference.
Her telling you she needs time is code for her not being interested in you romantically. Explain to her that you value her friendship but you can no longer devote as much time to her. Set boundaries and focus your time elsewhere.
It’s one of the great lessons in a man’s life. That the idea that working to demonstrate your suitability will eventually convince a woman to like you. It won’t.
Most women know if a man is ‘reproduction’ material within seconds and the rest are just guys that they are happy to let do things for them.
Basically, if you’re not her boyfriend, you just another girlfriend to her.
You’re in your 30s. Don’t say “friend zoned”. It’s ugly when children say it. It’s totally unacceptable from you and women your own age will write you off faster than if you’d said brony when they hear it.
She has *offered* your friendship. Your choice is to accept that offer, or not.
You should give up and move on. End the friendship if you’re not capable of returning her offer of friendship.
Stop treating her like a girlfriend . If she only wants to be a friend it’s up to her and you should just accept it . She is not gonna appreciate you for spoiler her if that’s not the kind of thing that she wants
Has she friend zoned you? Or are you her friend and you’ve fuck zoned her?
Well she was looking for a best friend and you weren’t. Everything she does with you is no different than me and my best friend. We buy each other stuff, super similar, talk constantly. You weren’t friendzoned, you started this relationship as friends and if she’s never shown any romantic interest than that’s a problem you have. If you can’t be her friend without ulterior motives leave her alone because for her you guys are great friends when in reality you want her to see you as a romantic interest
You need to start by letting go of her. Then you need to start thinking on these points:
There is no friendzone. She didn’t put you there. She was never interested in you in a romantic way, but she did appreciate your friendship.
But did you?
You made the choice to give her gifts, but gifts are ambiguous and don’t clearly state intent. Your decision to ask her out did state intent, but if she said no and you chose to continue your friendship, intending for your gifts to convince her to fall in love with you, that was a mistake that you can learn from.
You can never change her mind. You never will. And one day she will fall in love; when she does, you may feel worse, or else find yourself resenting her for not having loved you like you love her.
The only I think this gets better is to walk away now and give yourselves a few years to heal. Maybe later you can reconnect – hopefully after you and she are partnered up and can laugh about the past.
But perhaps it’s time to give your own future a chance first.
Here’s a song that might be apt – [[Link](https://youtu.be/k5hWWe-ts2s)]
There’s no such thing as the friend zone.
You’ll have to cut her off bud. It’ll be hard, but your current mental state isn’t fair to either of you.
Well, her becoming anything more than a close friend isn’t working. You can’t make someone love you or fall in love with you. I wouldn’t blame her or yourself for any of this. She’s just not in love with you to the extent you want her to be. And that’s fine. So just stop trying.
Start treating her as just a friend and stop trying to engage her so much. Let the relationship cool off. Start dating other people. If she’s not interested then go find someone that is. Every day you spend trying to make her love you is another day away from finding a real relationship with someone who does want to be with you in the ways you desire.
This isn’t an 80s rom-com where the boy chases the girl and she eventually sees him as her one and only. The longer you chase her the worse you’ll start to look to friends and family. Don’t do it. You’ll lose respect for yourself and probably come off as a little creepy to others. Not trying to be mean – just want you to realize that you may be becoming a little obsessed with her and that’s never healthy.
If you can pull back. Keep the relationship platonic and start looking for someone else then maybe you can remain friends. However, if you can’t – don’t even try then what I stated above could become an issue between you both and extend to your common friends and family. Good Luck
I can’t imagine how hurt this woman feels knowing she has been fuckzoned when all she wanted was a honest friendship with you. Finding out that your friend has been nice to you to call dibs on your body really sucks and made me suspicious of people. Fuck men like you.
The feelings aren’t mutual. Continuing to push for intimacy/ relationship stuff will drive her away soon enough, because she will realize you are not capable of simply being a friend, if she hasn’t already. You’re not going to change her mind. The “friendzone” doesn’t exist, you’re not “friendzoned” and this is never going to result in you guys being together. Using terms like friendzone tells me you had no intention of being friends with her at all. No one owes anyone else a relationship, if you’re not capable of actually being a simple friend the only option is to stop interacting with her completely and work on someone who actually is open to a relationship with you.
And FWIW maybe unpack some of your ideas about relationships and why you’re using a word like friendzone. To most people it has seriously negative connotations and I can assure you any philosophy that involves friendzone terminology/thinking will only handicap and damage your attempts at relationships. It comes from people who are terrible human beings and incapable of any kind of decent relationship, avoid such things at all cost and you’ll find things to work out much better for you
You’re giving her aaallllllll the benefits of having a bf (emotional support/validation, physical presence, gift giving, romantic gestures) without her giving you the benefits of having a gf (physical intimacy).
Your best bet is to sit her down and express how you TRULY feel to her. If she accepts it, great! If she doesn’t, be prepared to reframe the boundaries of the friendship.