So I’ve (21F) been single for a long time, but now that I have a bf, I don’t feel as connected as before with my female friends. I used to enjoy going to night clubs, but I don’t feel the urge to party that much anymore. My friends go to nightclubs at least 3 times a week, and are always talking about how many guys they kissed, like it’s a contest. I feel left out for not being as interested in going out, and I feel a distance with them.
How can I reconnect ?
TL;DR: I feel a distance with my single friends since I’m not single anymore
8 comments
Are they going out because they like clubbing or because they want to meet and kiss guys? If you don’t really like clubbing that much anymore then you’re not missing out. Kissing guys isn’t a competition either. But if that’s what their lives revolve around, then I’m sorry to say that you’re growing apart from that. As will they as soon as they start dating seriously.
It is kinda inevitable.
Unless you and your partner strike an agreement that you both spend time with your friends separately.
Nothing worse than a friend bringing their gf/bf when you wanna spend time with your friends. (Everytime)
If it is everytime then you will feel left out.
Because your friends I’m sure will appreciate you in a relationship.
But if you are not one on one with them at times then they will leave you out.
It will be that conversation of.
“Shall we invite him”
“Nah he always has his gf tied to him”
“Oh yeah that is true”
Do you have any interests with this friend group other than clubbing and connecting with new guys? If not, then these relationships were going to deteriorate eventually. You are growing up and you are finding new interests. Things that were fun and exciting before aren’t now. It happens a to everyone.
Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Maybe find some time trying to find a group of people that enjoy something other than clubbing.
Slowly losing a friend group is hard. It feels like you are losing a part of yourself. In a way, you are. But that’s because you are growing into a more mature version of yourself. Love yourself and let yourself grow. See where this takes you and believe in yourself.
If any of the girls in this group truly care for you, they will be happy for you and support you. They will also find other ways of connecting than clubbing. But if they only want to spend time with you partying, then it isn’t the real you who they care about. It’s the party you.
Invite them to do something else?
You’re growing apart from your friends. It’s not the partner, it’s the lack of interest in the thing you did to bond with them.
You need to start developing other relationships that aren’t based around clubbing.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being left out in that they aren’t not inviting you places – you just don’t want to go. It’s not reasonable to expect them to all decide they aren’t into clubbing anymore so if you want to maintain the friendships, then you’ll have to try to do other things with them.
It’s like anything – if you had a bunch of gym friends and then couldn’t/didn’t want to work out anymore, the friendships might fade out, or you might decide to try to maintain them with other activities. But there’s lots of friendships that are more for a ‘season’, and then tend to drift. You sound like this might be happening here by the way you talk about them- describing it as ‘like it’s a contest’ for example.
It’s crazy to hear about people clubbing during an airborne pandemic. I feel like I’m living in alternate reality, where many people are not taking precautions. I know some countries have low rates of COVID, but to me this is very odd.
I think it’s pretty common to spend less time with your friends when you’re in a new relationship. But if you’re truly friends and you’re out of the honeymoon phase things should go back to normal!
And don’t feel left out because you have no kissing new guys stories to tell, you can still get excited for them having a good time and talk about it without doing the same. I’m in a 9 year relationship and I enjoy hearing those stories and talk it through and getting this second hand excitement (even though I’m completely happy in my monogamous relationship)