So bit of backstory. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life (28) – 2 years (this year and the last). My mental health had been doing really well and my confidence grew so much. As I became more comfortable with myself, I started flying up the ladder at work, but I’ve gotten myself to a rung that is totally overwhelming. There is a LOT of paperwork and calling to do, that requires basically all my focus, while I still work the floor. It is an expectation of everyone in this role and I know for a fact that others are having similar issues with time management as me. Something happens on the floor that demands attention ~every 5 minutes. I’m a developmental mental service worker (similar to a PSW) and work in a house that have people who have vision impairments/blind and deaf, as well as their developmental disability. If someone gets up, I have to be at the very least aware so that I can maintain a safe place for them (think of me as their eyes and ears), but also constant needs, and coworkers who look to me for guidance. I’m basically the lead for advocating for their health and wellness needs, if they need an appointment, I book it, if they need to contact family, that’s me. Financial paperwork and ensuring their medications are correct when they are received is me too. There is no office, so I’m front and centre of everything going on around me. It’s a constant battle to keep everyone informed, care for the clients and not get behind (if I’m not doing the paperwork portion, then it’s not going to get done and the list is added onto daily).
So the past week, I’ve been overwhelmed, when I took the job it was really REALLY behind, and I’ve finally caught up to my portion after 3 months. But my nerves are so frayed that every movement and sound feels like glass shattering in my head. I lose focus and forget what I was doing over and over again. Yes I have lists, even getting onto the computer is a challenge, so remembering if I was going to open up my email or a file, let’s say is like pulling teeth out of my brain. I’ve finally got to the part I WANTED to do from the start, but I have nothing left in me to actually do it. (If I take a vacation, it’ll mean getting caught up again).
So yeah, now the social part. I have one coworker that I’m friends with, she’s new and we hit it off fast. Everytime she comes in though, I end up breaking down into tears. I don’t want to and I try so hard to keep it in, but then I shut down and act strange. So I end up feeling like my choice is to cry, or keep acting weird (not to mention the little mistakes I keep making on the floor as all this is weighing on me if i try to move on). I guess I get stuck in the freeze mindset because whatever I try to do I’m doing it wrong. She tells me she sees the stress and what i’m trying to carry (that by itself ALSO made me cry) and not to worry, but that almost makes it worse because I don’t want to be a burden. Ive tried so hard to build myself up so that I’m not
burdening people with my insecurities as I’ve done in the past and pushed people away. I ended up over explaining to her my fears yesterday (making it worse, I don’t want you to have to deal with my insecurities but here they all are.) but now I’m so ravaged by guilt, fear and shame that I can’t let it go to focus on my work.
So yeah, here’s my vent. I posted it here because I don’t know how to act anymore. I’m scared that this won’t go away and I’m digging myself back into the anxiety and depression I’ve worked so hard to get out of.
2 comments
Have you considered that you might be neurodivergent? There are some clues in your story that sound very similar to the symptoms of inattentive ADHD in adults: anxiety, depression, difficulty with social skills, emotional disregulation, getting overwhelmed and losing focus/forgetting tasks, shutting down, etc: [What is ADHD?](https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/) [ADHD in Women](https://www.verywellhealth.com/adhd-in-women-common-signs-and-symptoms-5211604)
So it sounds like you are holding yourself to an extremely high standard at work. That’s not a bad thing per say, but can be harmful if you allow it to effect you outside of work.
Perfectionism sounds like it should be a good thing right? Who doesn’t want to perform perfectly? Which is kind of the problem: perfection is impossible, and being unhappy with anything short of it is setting yourself up to feel like a failure.
Based on what you wrote here you sound like you are great at your job. You took work that was far behind and caught it up in 3 months! Be proud of your achievements.
Remember though that you are still new at your company, you did not cause these problems that are stressing you out. Go in, do your job as well as you’re able to, then go home. You are only one person and can only do so much.
You will make mistakes, everyone does. Especially while they are new at a job. As long as you learn from them no one will hold that against you.