My relationship with my boyfriend is good. We’ve been together a year, we were friends first, we get along great, the sex is great, compatible in general.
The issue is that I’m the one who decided to shoot my shot first, so for as long as we’ve been together he doesn’t really pursue me. No cute surprises or declarations of love or romantic gestures. I understand that relationships don’t maintain that type of thing forever, but I’ve never experienced it with him, so it’s beginning to make me feel like I’m a relationship of convenience and/or opportunity, rather than what he really wants.
I also understand that maybe that’s just not how he shows love, and that’s fine – but if that’s the case, I’m starting to wonder if I consider it a dealbreaker. He does do some things here and there that make me feel desired (mostly sexual, and he’s very snuggly), and he spends a good amount of his free time with me… but I’ve been in past relationships where I can tell my partner is smitten and goes out of his way to make me feel extra special and wanted – and i really miss it and enjoy the reassurance that comes with it.
so I’m struggling with the degree of the importance of this need/desire not being met. At what point do I cut my losses and hope I meet someone who’s smitten with me? I want to make him aware that I’m craving this kind of attention that is lacking, and give him a chance to rectify it, but I don’t know how to bring it up. What do I say? “Hey, it doesn’t feel like you’re as into me as I am into you, what’s a girl got to do to get a romantic gesture around here?”
Maybe he’s just not that romantic of a person, but I feel like he could be, so I can’t help but wonder if he’s just not that into me. if that’s the case, maybe I should move on to try to find someone who is? I want to talk it out, but I don’t know how to start.
TLDR: Would you want your girlfriend to tell you you’re not romantic enough so you could try to fix it, or should she just move on, concluding that if you’re efforts aren’t naturally romantic enough, maybe you’re not that compatible after all?
5 comments
Always communicate what you want my dude thats one of the most important things to do in a relationship
People are kind of like dogs, you have to praise him on what he does right. When he does anything that you like you can say how gratefull you are bc of what he did. Say that you loved it.
You can also give examples like when you see a man give a girl flowers you can show him and be like ‘omg look what he did for her, I hope do get flowers one day too’
If that doesnt work you will have to be direct and tell him you would like him to be more romantic. He probably is clueless that you want romantic gestures.
Ive been trying these things with my boyfriend and it started to work. Especially the praise one.
Hope this helps!
tell him ab how that makes u feel and that everything’s been great but u need reassurance. then it’s his decision if he tries being more romantic for you or not. i been in the same situation and after i told my bf, he changed for a little then went back to being cold so i got tired but i wish the best for you!!
Backstory:: I actually had this exact thing happen to me (my bf dating 10 months, friends for 2.5 years beforehand). Love him but both he and i know hes got the romantic capabilities of a middle school boy (maybe its part of introvert engineer personality ).
Advice:: simply talk to him, just tell him what youd like to see, bc a relationship is work. To make you feel better i had to send my bf an article about words of affirmation / small relationship hestures. He really read it and for the past month its been a 180! If he cant handle advice/critique then maybe its an orange flag.
Edit (bc i re read): see how he responds to you simply saying “hey i really miss xyz thing, bc it made me feel special” and if its not a good reception then that answers a lot
Best of luck ! x
So Ive been in a very similar situation but opposite. My boyfriend had expressed to me how he feels like I’m not into him (when I very much am) because I’m not the affectionate type. I know his love language is touch so for him this is very important.
I know for me when he straight up told me he feels like I’m not into him it made me pretty upset. So I’d try to avoid making him feel bad and just keep the conversation open and light because he most likely doesn’t even realize this is a problem for you. Someone said praising him when he does affectionate things and I honestly think that’s a great idea. Or even talk to him how affection is very important to you for a relationship and it helps you with feeling that bond that makes a relationship strong.
If after you’ve talked to him nothing has changed then I’d press more and let him know this is a deal breaker because your needs aren’t getting meant but give him the chance to see if anything changes