TLDR: I recently let a friend back into my life after cutting him off due to him defending my ex (one of his best friends), who sexually assaulted me (without penetration) a few years back. My friend recently told me that he didn’t cut off my ex after it happened because “he didn’t r*pe you which would have been a whole different story”. Not sure if I made a good decision letting my friend back into my life because that statement doesn’t sit right with me and I’m not sure it ever will.
Apologies in advance for the semi-long post. Original post can be found on my profile from over a year ago, so I’m not going to tell every detail because I already mentioned it in that post.
6 months ago I suddenly cut off my best friend (M22, we’ve been friends for ~6 years) who refused to acknowledge that his friend (my ex, 22M, they’ve been friends since 3rd grade) who sexually assaulted me was/is a bad person. I tried many times to explain to to my friend that although my ex didn’t r*pe me, he got on top of me and forced me to kiss him and touch him despite me being visibly uncomfortable and telling him I didn’t want this. That’s still sexual assault no matter if penetration is involved or not. My ex had also done many creepy and pushy things to me after we broke up as well.
This week, after 6 months of my friend being blocked by me on all social media/texts/calls, he showed up at my house with a letter and told me that he wanted me to read it and give him closure. He told me it was up to me whether we were going to be friends again, so we sat and talked for a long time and had an honest conversation about why things ended the way they did and why we both said what we said. My friend told me that a few weeks ago, he had confronted my ex about what had happened that night of the assault and he told me that my ex stated everything that happened to me, and was truthful about it. He admitted that what he did was wrong and he didn’t realize until after it happened that I hadn’t consented to any of it.
My friend then told me that my ex had “made a mistake” and that he genuinely doesn’t think of my ex as a bad person, and that he’s changed. I haven’t seen my ex in 3 years since the assault happened so I took his word for it. However, my friend told me that “if you had been r*ped, it would’ve been different. I would’ve automatically cut him off.” So sexual assault without penetration isn’t enough for him to believe that my ex is a bad person and could hurt someone else again? Because he’s supposedly “changed” since then?
I want to have a friendship with my friend again (and I told him that I wanted to give it another try) but idk if I can because that statement doesn’t sit right with me, and I don’t think it ever will. And, the reason I cut my friend off in the first place was because the situation/friendship/him defending my ex simply because they’re friends didn’t sit right with me, so I’m basically back to square one. I’d appreciate any advice, and if you read this far, thank you 🙂
6 comments
I’m sorry that happened to you.
You made the right albeit hard decision and you should be proud for sticking to your guns.
At the end of the day if it doesn’t sit right with you, you need to do what’s best for you and your mental health.
Say to your friend how you feel and if you are going to allow the friendship set clear boundaries, if his opinion stands solid his essentially made his choice and you don’t need that in your life
He pretty much defended your ex. Again.
I’d cut your losses for your own mental health. He’ll never get it.
People who victim blame, justify assault, or defend the rapists/assaulters just aren’t worth your time. I cut off an old friend for victim blaming a mutual. These people just need to have lasting consequences
As an outsider looking in your friend’s statement making light of Sexual Assualt doesn’t sit right with me. He’s clearly projecting and ridiculing the victims of SA that their assualt and PTSD aren’t serious.
Both Rape and SA are serious. And to delineate from one from the other and making one a grave offence while making light of the other is sheer stupidity. If this is his mindset mind right now you have to face that any PTSD resulting from SA such as depression, anxiety, difficulty in intimacy, frequent flashback of SA he will make light of those situation or says it’s not that serious because you weren’t raped only assaulted. Personally I wouldn’t have kept him around. I may need him as a friend in my life but if that person make light of the worst thing that happened to me I wouldn’t tolerate that.
It’s better for him not to be friends with you to be quite honest.
Nothing changed for him and everything changed for you. He just doesn’t acknowledge it and you deserve better. If he did penetrate you, then he would say “oh but it could have been worse.” He will defend his friend no matter the situation because he refuses to see his friend as the perpetrator of a crime
That does you no favors. How is he your friend then? He refuses to acknowledge a very real trauma.
He’s a jerk and you deserve better support and love from a friend
Yeah it wasn’t the right decision.