How did you start setting boundaries around people who weren’t used to you saying no?

7 comments

1. It isn’t about what they are used to.

   It’s about what you actually do. You don’t need to say anything one way or the other. Just don’t do whatever it is.

2. Setting a boundary is about your behaviour only. If someone crosses it, you leave/stop interacting and tell them why. If they repeat the thing, you need to cut them off.

   You can’t make someone respect you and your boundaries. Some people won’t respect you no matter what. You can only remove yourself from the situation when it happens.

3. I followed through with them, and showed that their reaction won’t change my boundary.

   It took my parents multiple “bad reactions” by them to figure out that I wasn’t gonna budge. That’s where the “where you end and I begin” part of the boundary comes in.

   I know that their reaction should not change the boundary. But it still scared me. So I found ways to heal from the thing that made me care about their reaction. It’s not a boundary if their disapproval will make you change it. And they will never take it seriously if you don’t follow through with action (leaving, disengaging from toxic conversations, etc…)

   Now that I care less about their anger, I can sit happily in my space while they rage until they pass out for all I care.

4. Accepting that I can’t control their reaction to it, and it’s fine for me to implement a boundary regardless.

5. Start small- speak up about how you feel, when someone disappoints you, or does something annoying.
   You can’t start with significant issues like “You were a terrible mother,” you need to start with things easier to say.
   When someone cuts you off in line say “I’m sorry, the line starts over there” and “No, have other plans” without expanding why. When someone asks a small favor and it’s inconvenient then say so “I really wish I could but that doesn’t work for me.”

   Point is practice using words to describe how you feel.

   Learn how to prioritize your own feelings- YOUR needs are as valid as anyone else’s.

   A big part of this is to NOT EVER feel as if you owe an excuse or reason for anything. Do not do “I can’t, I promised Bill I’d do this then I need to pick up the kids and Charie needs to…” blah blah- that makes it sound like a negotiation *and it is not.*
   It is you declining an invitation- “I’m sorry, I have other plans.” is all you need to say.

   Say it and stop talking- let the awkward silence hang there.
   If they press why repeat it.
   Then stop talking.
   If anyone dares comment declare “Yes! I am setting boundaries now!”
   Don’t feel or act as if you are doing anything wrong because you are not.

   tl;dr Practice using words.

6. You just say no to them. Their response is their problem.

7. By quoting Naomi Campbell. She said this in her airport routine video: “I don’t care what people think of me, it’s my health and it makes me feel better.” I just change the health part with something relevant.