I’d(M31) been dating my GF(F33) for close to 2 years when I got her pregnant. Since we had been friends for years before hand, it didn’t feel weird when I asked her to move in and my parents were ok with it.
The approval of my parents was important because the house we’re were living belongs to my dad. To sum up the house’s history, at one point it was three generations of us all living under it but bit by bit the only ones left were me and my Grandma. I was a teenager when dad finally got his own place and it was decided that I should stay to keep Grandma company and help around.
Fast forward to my mid-20s, Grandma passed away, dad inherited the house but we have a quiet agreement that I’d pay the bills, yearly taxes and any fixing that needs done in exchange for not paying rent. My siblings have jobs in different cities so they don’t figure into it. My parents have warned me if there ever strapped for cash they will use this house to take out a loan or outright sell it.
With that said, I obviously always planned in moving out and have been saving with that in mind. I’m confident than in a few years I can put a down payment on a decent house. Nothing fancy but it’ll be mine and I won’t have to spend my entire life living under the same freaking roof I grew up in.
My GF on the other hand says she doesn’t want to ”downgrade” just for the ”sake of it”. She’s obviously happy that we’re living in a large 4 bedroom house rent free, and thinks me wanting to move out is just misplaced pride.
My parents aren’t really pushy or nosy, but they do pop in 2 or 3 times a week unannounced since the backyard shed is basically their storage room, when family comes to visit, me and my gf are expected to be their hosts as they stay with us and of course we can’t make any major changes to the house.
Nothing earth shattering but its all the more reason than I’m ready to live in my own place even if its smaller and less grand. I’ve mentioned it a few times and my gf just scrunches up her nose at the idea. Even threw out a comment about that our child who’s close to being 3 years old will hate moving to a smaller place if we do it when she’s 6-7 years old because by then she would have gotten used to this house.
Instead she’s pressuring me to go 50/50 with my dad in buying a large lot that a friend of my dad is willing to sell him at a reduced price. My dad said he has no plans on doing anything with the lot and just thinks its a good asset to have at the price he can get it but can’t afford it entirely on his own. If I do that, I’d still be attached at the hip to my parents but to my gf that’s a minor concern. My dad has been pushing this idea on me for a while now and my gf takin his side is disheartening.
Realistically, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford a home as large and as nice as the family home and I feel if I force us to leave in a different home she’ll always hold it against me.
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**tl;dr**: GF doesn’t support my plans for home ownership and I’m not sure how to proceed. What’s the best way to tackle this?
27 comments
I am absolutely on your side. You’re your *own* family now and deserve your own space. Just because you buy something smaller to start doesn’t mean you’re stuck there forever and can never upgrade.
I’m 32 and we started out small with a 2 bedroom apartment that was 1,000 square feet. I had a 5 year old kid too. He never gave a hoot. Your kid probably won’t either.
Could you and your gf go 50/50 and buy the house from your dad?
Usually, these type of stories have a person dealing with a spouse who won’t stand up to their parents and do what they say.
The son wanting to move on but the DIL telling him to just stay in the nest is a pretty uncommon dynamic. Your parents must fucking love her.
If your gf not supporting you in a major life decision isn’t a deal breakers(and I understand that having a kid makes it tricky) then just prepare for the worse. Buy the small, unglamorous house and tell her you don’t have any serious plans to live it but want to do it just in case and see what the future holds.
>any fixing that needs done
A newish house? Your answer is crucial: when was it built? An older house might need tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in repairs from time to time.
>we’re living in a large 4 bedroom house rent free, and thinks me wanting to move out is just misplaced pride.
An excellent point — you could wait until there’s pressure to move out and save more money all the faster.
> they do pop in 2 or 3 times a week unannounced?
To their storage shed? Or, your gf’s home? As the latter would be very rude and disruptive 100 to 150 times every year imo, to have not have had the courtesy to have called ahead.
It sounds like a conflict between a need for security (gf) and a need for independence (you).
>Nothing fancy but it’ll be mine and I won’t have to spend my entire life living under the same freaking roof I grew up in.
Perhaps this also hints at something else that’s making this feel like a more urgent issue for you. Can you share what’s behind the sentiment – “the same freaking roof I grew up in” – considering that folks often feel very sentimental about their childhood home and would prefer to stay?
I know this might not be relevant to your current issue but why aren’t you guys married?
Part of the reason your GF might feel ambivalent to living under your parent’s roof or your roof is that either way she wouldn’t have say. Banking on getting on your folks’ good side might just look like the best option from her end.
I’m projecting because I’m from LA but I’m just imagining your family home being a classic Victorian house and you bringing up the idea of living in one of those small, uninspired modern houses made your baby mama go pale.
If your dad stayed under his dad’s roof until you were a teenager, they’re probably putting zero pressure on you to move out and that’s why your GF feels this is just you being dramatic.
You’re going to have to go at this from a different angle rather than trying to justify just based on the idea of being free and independent.
Unless you’re buying the house you could be forced out at any moment based on your parents finances. It’s not YOUR home as much as your gf thinks it is. Make that reality clear to her. Your aging parents could have serious medical issues in the not too distant future and you’d have to move in a hurry and without the savings you had built up and with no long term plan in place if they sold the house. That’s an economic reality for plenty of people.
Ask your dad for a semi trade where you guys come to a set “family price” for the house you go in with him on the land and that amount is deducted while you make payments towards the remaining balance
The house is not yours. If your dad needs to sell it he will and if he dies your siblings will want their share. Sorry your girlfriend is wrong. People who make minimum wage and are getting free rent should be taking this opportunity to save for their own place. Does your girlfriend do that? She sees the house as hers/yours. I think you need to make her realise the house is not yours. It’s just an opportunity to save for you guys. Most people don’t even get that. She sounds too comfortable and I hate to say it entitled. But giving her the benefit of the doubt maybe she just does not realise the reality of the situation.
Honestly I’m not clear on your reasons either. If you can live rent-free, invest the money you would spend on a mortgage or rent and you’ll be able to afford a bigger down payment later. When the situation changes and there’s a legitimate reason to buy your own place, you’ll be better positioned to do that, and your gf will have no reason to resent you for it. I don’t think you’re less independent just because you live in a house you don’t own, if you have the financial means to take care yourself and your family’s needs when the situation calls for it.
I think you should have a detailed financial discussion with your girlfriend, so that you two can better understand each other from that perspective. I know that your priority is independence, but you seem to be downplaying the financial side of this.
Living rent free in a large 4 bedroom house with a child on the way for the minor inconvenience of a few check ins by your parents is a big deal. Similarly, she sees investing the rent in the lot as a good move for the future, whether it’s developed or sold as is when the land appreciates.
I don’t know how you break the tie between independence vs. fiscal advantage since they are on two different planes, but I DO think it’s important you figure out if you and her are on the same page financially before you do anything. If you buy a new house, I imagine she will be a large part of that and it will tie you two together even more than the child already will.
As for your last statement, if you were to stay where you were and invest the money saved into the lot or other money-making ventures, you would certainly be able to afford more in the future than the present. So, it boils down to mapping out a 5 year plan, rather than a 5 month plan and seeing if you and her are on the same page or not.
If not, then you may have to pay child support and buy an even smaller place for just you and your child (on your custodial nights). Ironically, if you do separate and are forced to pay child support, that rent free large house may look more attractive.
Maybe I’m paranoid…but hear me out. I grew up in the country with acreage and a little cabin I had worked on to have a bedroom. Family lived in a mobile home (yes, you pictured that right, poor backwoods, miles of dirt road) on the property. When I married my first husband, he learned the intent was to give me the cabin & some property as inheritance someday. Of course, the goal was generational property. Nothing interesting to note until our divorce 1.5 years later. Where he demanded his share of this future inheritance. I’m so not kidding. And that was the least of the requests.
I tell you this story to say, keep the house in your dad’s name. Do not let her get too comfortable. We all like to think it won’t happen to us. And then we come to Reddit when it does 🤣.
Also, she thinks it’s all great now, until she decides she doesn’t want the folks dropping by or gets mad at something and tries to use the house as leverage. Everyone deserves a place that is THEIRS. Don’t give up on that. It blows my mind to think with what you are saving in rent that you would be ‘settling’ for less when you do decide to buy. And, if the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that no one is as stable as they think they are. Your dad could (rightfully) decide he has to sell that house at any time.
I just think this is a big conversation, not a bunch of hints dropped and brushed off. I recommend to pretty much everyone that counseling helps with communication.
Here’s to hoping your child(ren) get to live in that house someday. By the way, we had to let our property go years ago for a pittance, moved into town (something I swore I’d never do) and discovered how much cheaper and easier life could be. Now we’re moving to a real city. Change is good!
How much are you spending on the house right now, per year? Including taxes and repairs. If it’s in the same ballpark as what you’d likely spend as a homeowner in a new, smaller house (not counting mortgage), then I’m with your girlfriend. You’re saving hella money and, despite the American cult of homeownership, it’s way more financially savvy to have your assets diversified rather than putting basically your entire life’s savings into a single asset (your home).
In any case, I think you should go to couples counseling. This is a major, major decision and I don’t think either of you is clearly right or wrong based on the information you’ve given us. When you reach an impasse on a major decision where both parties have reasonable positions, then it really comes down to communication skills and ability to empathize and compromise. And a couples therapist can help with that. This won’t be the last hard decision you have to make together.
Of course you want your own place, and the fact that it can and probably will be yanked out from under you at some point is all the more reason. Not to be morbid but your parents will get older and they will die, are your siblings okay with you just keeping a major asset at that point? What if your parents need money for long term care, etc. Regardless it is normal and healthy to want to separate from our parents, thats’s nature. Your gf is being a little materialistic, no hate I get it but it’s not the best long term plan and it’s not supportive. The support she is giving your Dad is probably intended to lay this to rest by tying up your savings.
It is an awful time to buy a new house. Don’t buy the lot with your dad if you want to keep saving your money but don’t leave a great 4br house with the market the way it is right now. Totally understand wanting to go your own way but timing is super key with this kind of stuff.
Some people are like this. By the time I moved out at 20 I felt liked I’d been living with my parents for way too long, my sister on the other hand is 28 and wanting to move back in as soon as she’s done with her qualification lol.
But to your point, being wound up with dads finances when it’s not what you want is definitely not ideal, your girlfriend wants easy street and that’s fine but she’s asking you sacrifice so she can benefit.
It needs some kind of agreement but starting from the stated boundary that you want something that is yours, that can’t be yanked from you or sold and that other people can’t just be like “aunty so and so is staying for three weeks” without asking you.
I can’t believe the people saying to stay in the house, I would never want to feel trapped like that. You do not own the house, neither does she, and you don’t really have any rights to it if something were to happen. You also aren’t paying rent so you won’t have any history of rental payments and you aren’t earning any equity in a home.
I feel like I just saw a post not that long ago where the OP owned a second home that she intended to give to her son when he was an adult, but rented it out in the meantime. The family renting it knew this the whole time, had lots of warning, but they liked how cheap the rent was and didn’t move until the last second when they were finally given the deadline and had to scramble to find something they could afford.
Regardless I think family and business don’t mix. In my family it’s caused nothing but drama, grief, and in some cases, fraud. (Long story there). Yeah free rent sounds nice but I wouldn’t want to live as a squatter owned by my family for a second longer than I had to.
All these people saying to save money until the last second when something happens and you have to move out…just weird to me. Got a lot more trust in their families than I do that’s for sure lol. You can trust em till you can’t! Your sibs have already told you they’ll sell that place if they need to. Get out while you can still do it on your own terms and not because you get pushed out.
They also have a lot more trust in the housing market than I do, there’s zero guarantee it’ll get better and you’ll be in a better buying position later.
Home prices and interest rates are both outrageous right now. Are you sure you could even afford a house in an area safe enough, and with decent schools, to raise a child?
Personally I can’t imagine giving up a situation in which you don’t have to pay rent when at the end of the day you could just buy some curtains or a Ring doorbell, but I grew up poor. If you use this time to save and ride this gravy train as long as you can, you could get a way better house, on a long enough timeline, maybe even investment properties, than if you had to pay a high mortgage for a subpar house, which is probably what you’d get unless you wanted to live in like Bumfuck Oklahoma. (I came from Bumfuck Oklahoma. You don’t want to raise a kid there..)
One must look at this from a practical standpoint, and it may just save your relationship.
There is a lot more to land value than simply by a lot. The value of the lot depends on its ability to be developed. That requires access to utilities, a successful geotechnical survey, evaluation for wetlands, critical areas, earthquake and flood zones, a traffic study… Even the trees in the lot need to be measured for significance to determine whether or not they can be removed. The ground needs to be cleared and leveled. It takes a minimum of a year for the building permits to be granted by the city – sometimes more depending on the jurisdiction.
This is why some lots seem so cheap – either the lot can’t be built upon or nothing has been done to evaluate it for new construction.
Perhaps approach this entire matter from logic – with your budget and financial goals in mind.
From what you say you’ve got a few years before you would be moving.
I’d suggest talking to a financial counselor so you have a slightly better plan.
But don’t invest in an empty lot. Unless it’s going to leap in value and then be sold if serves no purpose for you.
For what it’s worth your girlfriend is out of her mind if she assumes you can stay in this house forever. Your parents told you they might sell it someday.
And from personal experience you may find that it’s at a time that’s inconvenient for you.
How is your relationship with your parents? If it’s good, and this is just your pride that you want your own place, I’d recommend saving up a nest egg with all the rent you’re not paying. If your parents need to sell, you’d have a good down payment. If the nest egg gets big enough, you can afford a place that your girlfriend would like. It’s entirely valid for her to want to stay in a roomy, comfortable house over a smaller, cramped one. Your feelings are valid as well, but this house is an opportunity that many don’t have, and I can see why your girlfriend is reluctant to throw it away.
On the other hand, if your relationship with your parents is strained, staying in the family home is more of an issue. In either case, I’d try to find an agreement with your parents about boundaries. Maybe it’s as little as them understanding that when they drop in, you may or may not be available to entertain them. Maybe it’s something more like them not coming by unless they’ve scheduled it with you first. Only the parties involved can decide what’s the right balance. If you can’t come to a mutually agreeable solution, then maybe moving out is the right move.
Getting further real estate entanglements with your dad and this land is probably not great unless you’ve got a clear plan on what would happen with it, and you all agree on that plan. Possibly in writing. Maybe splitting some land for you to build a dream house on would work – the money you’re saving on rent now could go a long way to make that happen. But it needs to be something that’s properly planned out and agreed to – not just something vague that you’re not comfortable with. You’re already uncomfortable with the current arrangement – don’t increase your discomfort.
And, I might add, marriage can often make communication a bit smoother between partners. When there’s less of an unspoken danger of “if I piss my partner off too much, they may leave” hanging over an argument, people will often act in a more open and rational manner. The commitment of marriage can induce people to work as a team instead of individuals fighting to “win” an argument over their partner.
If I were in your shoes I would try to buy the house you are living in from your dad if he will give you a good price. He can use that money to buy the land. When you own the house you can change the locks and stop it being the “family home.”
In the future you can sell it if you really want to get away from the home’s history or if the family doesn’t let you have privacy.
I loveee my parents to the moon and back, but they just bought me a house.. and that was an extremely- Extremely- difficult decision to make on my end. I totally get how ridiculously privileged and spoiled that sounds, but I feel like you would understand.
Be free. I had to accept for my own reasons, and you have to get away for your own. Family is a relationship that is so so so so hard to deal with. Do what you need to to feel the freedom from your parents, it’s suffocating to be trapped in their home and feel like you have to abide by their rules as an adult. Do you. If your girlfriend can’t see reason on this, idk what to tell you
It sounds like there’s a boundary and privacy problem at the heart of this. Your family shouldn’t be popping by unannounced – that’s kinda rude and unwelcome. Also- it should not be assumed that you’re always hosting family that’s visiting.
Now you and your gf are a couple and about to welcome a child. Instead of acting like your own little family, you’re treating her like an add on. Your life with her and the kid comes first now and you need to set boundaries with your family.
They have to call before visiting and now there will be a rotation of people if family is visiting. I can see why your gf is so uncomfortable with how you handle this. Time to start standing up to your family and being independent. Your post reads like something a 20 something year old living at home would write. You’re 31, paying for a house, building a family and yet you’re still allowing your family to control your life.
I wonder if your girlfriend is pushing that buying-the-lot idea because it would mean you would have to bury your homeowner plans, not because she agrees with your dad about the lot being a good idea.
I think the issue with the house will be hard to resolve because you and your partner have different needs when it comes to a “home”. The feeling of “home” is an emotional one. For you, “home” seems to mean a place which *you* own, which you can change and renovate to your liking, where no one can simply intrude. Size isn’t as imporant.
To your partner, the things which matter to you are a lot more unimportant. To her, size/luxury is what makes her feel happy content when she’s at home. Maybe there are other factors – from something as important as being able to easily spend “alone time” when the house is huge to superficial reasons like trying to impress others with the house you live in, everything is possible.
An issue for all of those attached to a place, big or small, is, however, that *any* new place just can’t compete. In the old place, there are *memories*. Remembering the things we experienced there, the comfort we feel when we come to this place we know so well… a new place simply doesn’t have that sort of attachment yet. It can *grow* into a new home, simply by living there, unless it’s a place you truly hate, but it will always seem like the “worse” option first, simply because the old place brings the *feeling* of home to the table. And if someone doesn’t want to move at all, then there is very, very little which can make any other place than the one they consider “home” appealing.
Free. Fucking. Rent.
For the price of seeing your parents a couple of times a week?
World’s tiniest violin.
Seriously, fuck this entire question.