Please bear with me, this is going to be long and I really need…anything.
It was during the pandemic when we met. Right off, he said, he was “moody”. Later on, he said, he gets down during colder months. The first year was a big adjustment for me. It was my first time experiencing this. Mostly when he was down, he would focus the blame on his work; being alone; being tired. The second year, I didn’t almost notice it, though it was there, it was very minimal. Maybe because he was back near his family, instead of being alone. To this year. It’s pretty normal he gets into his own world, especially when he’s busy. Although I feel ignored, I try to brush it off, because it’s his normal. Then last week, he said, he felt like, we “weren’t in the same page anymore.” What used to be an easy rapport between us seems to have disappeared. I said, I feel we’re off sometimes. But I thought that was because he would barely talk to me, which I try hard to reason is due to his busy schedule.
I asked him if he’d rather break up, he said no. He wanted us to try fix things. I asked him if he’s bored, and he said he isn’t. He said he still loves me a lot. That he’s been feeling lost because I got very busy these past 2 months. Not that he begrudges it but, maybe, he isn’t really used to it. I tried not talking to him, and he didn’t like it either.
I try to give him more time now, despite being so tired of my schedule. We’re in ldr for more than 2 years now. And the 7 hour time difference isn’t a joke, but I stay up and gargle gallons of coffee just to stay awake for him – even all he would say is okay, ok, alright….
I don’t even know what happened. And I’m thinking if this has something to do with the seasonal depression he seems to have. Only now, it seems, he’s targeting our relationship because of it. We’ve always been close, even when we have problems. But I can’t seem to do anything now to improve our relationship. I’ve tried talking, opening a dialogue, offering him his freedom, giving him space. I just don’t know what else is there to do. I don’t even know if he’s just depressed, but my mind is just grasping at anything to make sense of our situation. I don’t know what to do. And it’s eating at me. To the point of anxiety. Everything he says now, I would think, there’s an implied meaning. When he asks how am I, I would think, he wants to know if I’m okay so he can break up. If he says, alright, I would think, he means, I’m bored. If he says more than two sentences, iI would think, he’s being condescending. I don’t know anymore.