My bf and me are both 18 and have been with each other for 2 years, and liked each other for 5 years. We have a great but flawed relationship as many have. His mom is very verbally abusive and has been since he was a child. Meaning she will scream at him in his face for hours without stop. I always protect him and tell him to stay at my place. He doesn’t want to, but sometimes he does. The mom would scream at him for breathing too loud or even walking to fast, but today she screamed at him for sleeping.
We both woke up from hearing her screams, she was coming towards us physically and screaming her lungs out. She started talking about my mom, talking about me, and how i manipulate my bf and how i “should get the f out”. He was so scared and i thought she was gonna hit him. She continues screaming her lungs out at me in my face , and i talk back in a normal voice saying “dont yell at me, you do not have the right to scream at me”.
Now shes going crazy screaming and on her way to hit up, and it tell my bf he can come to mines, and then she tells me im manipulating him. I was shaking and almkst crying and i was just frozen from disbelief and i got a panic attack. Like my whole body was shaking, and she threatened me that she was gonna call her husband on me.
I was crying to this point and shaking so bad i couldnt even get my shoes on. My bf did nothing. Just stared at us, and answered when she talked to him. He didnt do anything, didnt stand up for me and didnt help me. This has just totally changed my perspective on our relationship.
25 comments
You should not be sleeping at her house, esp considering this.
The answer to why he didn’t is in your post, for years he’s been abused by his mom, his response to this trauma is to shut down. As much as we think we’d be different in a situation where we need to defend someone else, he hasn’t yet had the opportunity to not be traumatized repeatedly or the means/tools to deal with that trauma appropriately. Your BF may be an adult legally but he is a child mentally (as all 18 year olds are, physiologically you aren’t fully grown until you’re about 25) and still living with his abuser. He’ll need time, space (from his abuser) and therapy in order to appropriately respond to his trauma and then act differently from how he responds to this type of trauma.
I think you need to come at this from a trauma informed lense and give him some grace. Growing up in that environment is extremely damaging. It ruins your ability to handle conflict and react in a healthy way. It literally changes your brain processes and coping skills. You have way better coping skills and were still struggling. He is in a way worse situation. He needs years of therapy to undo what his mom has done to him. You need to try to give him some grace and understand how much he has been impacted by this abuse.
Do not judge your bf for this. He has lived his whole life in that environment. He is broken and a victim of abuse, that’s the perspective you need to have.
Realize that you boyfriend has experienced emotional trauma his entire life. His shutting down is a flawed, but effective (for him) coping mechanism.
You both need to get out permanently. He also need to engage a skilled trauma therapist.
You’re ignoring the possibility that maybe he’s just as traumatized, or even worse than you, because he has to live like this since childhood. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t say anything..
He can get all the help he wants as noted above, but if mom doesn’t change her ways it’ll be for nothing. Clearly she is choosing her own batshit abusive acting-out over her own son, so what chance will you have of improving things?
Slim and none, and slim left town. Do not entertain any fanciful notions of “fixing” her. You. Will. Fail.
Help him get away from that vile harpy for good. Let her grow old and feeble, and incontinent, and die alone, in the misery she has chosen for herself and anybody close to her.
He learned as a boy to hide until it blew over.
My Mum is an alcoholic and I have been that boy. I actually used to get into my cupboard and hide there.
There are a couple of occasions I regret where I stood mute rather than courageously doing the right thing. I put it down to that childhood learning. One of those occasions involved a friend being unfairly singled out and verbally abused by another friend’s father. It was such a shit show and I just tried to pacify it. That worked but my friend’s feelings were hurt and things have never been good between us since.
I think overall I have acted with integrity through my life.
I try to be aware of this tendency in myself now.
You have been through an ordeal. If you can use it to show empathy for your boyfriend it might make you tighter.
My wife has had to deal with my mother on her bad days more than a few times.
Why is this in a marriage sub and not r/relationshipadvice ???
I’m so sorry you went thru that—I’m here if you need to chat
Get off the marriage sub seriously wtf
At this age it’s ok especially with the background.
If this keeps happening when you guys are more adult. Then it’s a problem.
That poor boy is traumatized. Him not standing up for you is not the priority issue right now. He’s been beaten down his whole life and he needs help.
So your boyfriend has been dealing with this his entire life and now you’re going to come down on him too? I bet he’ll probably let you make this about yourself because he’s been emotionally abused for so long and that is the norm for him, but you shouldn’t do that. You should get him to leave there, though probably.
There’s fight, flight, or freeze. Your bf has been abused by her for so many years that he now freezes and can’t do anything when she starts up with her shit. He can’t save himself so he can’t save you. You’re stronger than he is because you haven’t had to live his life. You guys need to get jobs and get out of there. Save him… You’re probably all he has.
i know this was a terrifying experience for you and no one deserves to go through that but i really hope you don’t hold it against your bf. this has been his entire life for almost two decades, he likely learned a long time ago that talking back/standing up for yourself can be dangerous. the only way for this to get better is to get him out of that situation and into therapy. the coping/defense mechanisms that he has right now, while they may not be healthy, have kept him alive.
It sounds like the abuse has been occurring for a long time with your boyfriend. Humans and other critters can have a fight, flight, or freeze reaction to violence and conflict. When you’re abused since you were a child, you can regress into that state – I’d go easy on the guy, but would also look for him to start making steps to extricate himself from that relationship. This can be hard, especially when you are both so young. Do you have people you can go to for support?
Your boyfriend was experiencing a trauma response. It’s a deer in the headlights reaction commonly experienced by victims of abuse, your body shuts down, you were not there in his head, no one was there, he wasn’t even there.
He can learn to work past this with therapy which is something he definitely needs but he will never be able to start the healing process until he can distance himself from his abuser, moving out is great, moving states/provinces is better.
People who have experienced abused enough to reach this level of response have a long healing path ahead of them. I know you’re young which is why you missed this and I’m trying to be gentle with my words as a result, but if you expect him to protect you, he won’t, he needs to heal first and it could take years of care and therapy before that point is reached if it is ever reached.
I would shut down when this happened my mom screaming at my boyfriend, sometimes the both of us. I would always stay very quiet, not say much as to not aggravate her more. It’s a response, not that he didn’t want to defend you. When you’re that traumatized your innate reaction is the reaction you’ve always had to the abuser’s abuse, in my case, and probably his was shutting down.
He probably doesn’t know how to stand up for and have boundaries for himself. So wanting him to do this for you is probably not in his skill set.
He’s really probably too young to unpack what is happening, but she has traumatized him. I would not judge your boyfriend for this because it’s not really his fault. She did this to him with years of abuse, and now he probably just freezes or disassociates when she acts like this. This is a survival mechanism.
Do not go over to her house anymore. If you care about your boyfriend, help him leave that house (he is 18) and then help him get some therapy to work through this. Neither of you did anything wrong, she’s a shitty, horrible person who takes out her mental issues on children.
Best case is your boyfriend goes no contact with her for quite some time, maybe even for good.
If she ever hits either of you, leave the area immediately and call the police. DO NOT ENGAGE unless you absolutley have to in order to physically protect yourself.
I wouldn’t trust an 18y/o story about her boyfriend. She probably doesn’t like the bf’s mother just because she wants to live her life like they both own their parents houses.
Maybe OP and her bf need to grow up, get their own place and live free. OP says she has only dated her bf for 2 years yet she has passed judgement on how her bf was raise??? 🙄 What does she know about raising kids?
I have seen this story before.
Instead of worrying about your bf’s mother, go build a life for yourself.
Anyways what do I know.
Now go ahead and down vote.
Glad your not married yet. Get out while you can.
He was frozen in fear. This woman is abusive in the extreme and he has been conditioned to submit because if he doesn’t the abuse gets worse.
Do not judge him too harshly, he has suffered the nutter his whole life. He only knows to lock down to avoid more pain.
He will need years of therapy to get to a stable place.
He was just as scared as you. Your bf sounds like her primary victim so he freezes up and says nothing. I know you’re young but now that you’ve witnessed just how badly he is abused, please be there for him rather than make him feel worse for not protecting you. He has no one to protect him either and both of you are just babies. I’m sorry that happened. Absolutely let your bf come stay with you and support him finding a therapist to work through all of this.