Me (19f) and my boyfriend ‘Sam’ (19 M) have been together for 5/6months. We had a pretty rocky start sexually due to some issues with my cervix, which are now all sorted with, so we have been having sex for about 2 months. And even now I still feel like I’m not doing enough for him and that ultimately I’m letting him down sexually .
Sam has always shown an interest in anal
but due some experiences in the past I’ve expressed to him that I really do not feel comfortable doing it. But every time we have sex, he always tries to slip a finger or two in my ass. It is something that genuinely makes me want to have a panic attack every time he tries to so I use our safe word .I feel like I’m letting him down because I know he really wants to try it.
He said to me yesterday that he never gets what he wants sexually, and I feel terrible because I love him and I want to do things he wants to try, but it’s just one of those things where it fills me with absolute dread and I don’t find appealing, what’s so ever. I have asked if there’s anything else he wants to try and he said it’s the only thing he wants .
what do I do?
9 comments
He said he “never” gets what he wants sexually? Never? I doubt that.
I’m not 100% satisfied with my sex life. My wife doesn’t initiate and she rarely gives BJs at all, and I would love if those things happened. But to say I “never” get what I want would be stupid. I’m sure it’s not accurate for him either.
Those are bits of red flags
Like yeah it’s great you’re trying to satisfy him but it works both ways, he also has to satisfy you and not even that, he isn’t respecting your boundaries.
You should talk to him, and if he’s able to respect you, then you can start to think about his sexual needs. Even if there’s stuff you don’t wanna do, if you have an open conversation, talk about eachother’s kinks, positions, or even fetishes you both want to try, you may reach a middle point you’re both willing to try together.
But yeah like the other redditor commented, i really don’t think he NEVER gets what he wants
Open and honest conversation
There is a world of mild to wild kinks out there that can be fun to try out. We wrote this article to talk about some of the things we tried that made a huge difference in our bedroom.
[Conversation starters for kinkier sex](https://sexyfunadvice.com/2022/08/how-do-i-have-a-conversation-about-kinkier-sex/)
You still need to address the fact that he is violating your boundaries. You should be able to say, “don’t ever try to stick anything else in my ass, unless I specifically ask for it” – if he does it again, that is sexual assault.
Hmm. I have an answer to your question as written in the title but after reading the post I’m not sure it fits. It sounds like you need to have a convo about anal specifically. He shouldn’t be trying to sneak a finger in when you have not consented. And I feel like he is saying “never” as a way to manipulate you into consenting to anal specifically. This is all about anal.
>And even now I still feel like I’m not doing enough for him and that ultimately I’m letting him down sexually .
OP. You have been together 5/6 months and just started ha ing sex 2 months ago. Every relationship had its own timeline, but this seems very, very soon to have that feeling of letting someone down sexually. This early into a relationship, I would have been excited for the sex itself
> Sam has always shown an interest in anal but due some experiences in the past I’ve expressed to him that I really do not feel comfortable doing it. But every time we have sex, he always tries to slip a finger or two in my ass. It is something that genuinely makes me want to have a panic attack every time he tries to so I use our safe word .I feel like I’m letting him down because I know he really wants to try it.
I’ve been married for 13 years, with my wife 16. She isn’t into anal on her. When we were dating I asked a few times and she said she didn’t want to try it. Her No was and is important. In our 16 years together she tried it once and decided it wasn’t for her (that was her telling me she might want to try, not me repeatedly asking). No one is owed any particular kind of sex. If you’ve told him no and you’re not into it, he should back off. Him trying to slip a finger in is a very concerning sign. It is showing he doesn’t respect your boundaries or wishes and that he isn’t truly listening when you say no.
You have had to develop a safe word with this guy after only a few short months because he isn’t listening when you day to stop. This is worrying.
> He said to me yesterday that he never gets what he wants sexually, and I feel terrible because I love him and I want to do things he wants to try, but it’s just one of those things where it fills me with absolute dread and I don’t find appealing, what’s so ever. I have asked if there’s anything else he wants to try and he said it’s the only thing he wants . what do I do?
Sex is one aspect of a relationship. It can be fun to do different things sexually and fun to explore…if your partner is up for it. It sounds like he has become fixated on a particular act (anal) and is in his own head about it. Anal isn’t owed anyone. Heck, sex isn’t owed anyone. If you want to continue with this guy, I think a hard conversation about boundaries and sex is important. You’re willing to do X, Y, and Z, but anal is off the table, full stop. If he asks again, you’re done with sex. Draw a line in the sand and don’t be taken advantage of here.
For him, he is just going to have to learn to deal with it. Your body isn’t there to be a sex doll for him to try things. Sex should be for the both of you to enjoy each other and explore. Are you enjoying the sex or simply feeling like you need to do it to keep him happy. What does he do for you sexually as well? He’s hung up on his own wants that it sounds like he isn’t paying attention to yours.
He should respect your boundaries full stop. However, if you’re looking to experiment, get some lube and some different sized toys and that may allow you to become more comfortable with anal. However, my first statement is the most important.
Based purely on your post, your boyfriend does not sound like a very nice or empathetic person.
You have a safe word. That you have had to use multiple times. But he keeps doing what triggers your safe word.
He tells you and makes you feel as though he is not getting what he wants.
He has every right to want anal. And, you have every right to not want to do it. ESPECIALLY if this is due to past trauma. That and the fact that he keeps bring it up pretty much labels him as an asshole in my book.
I don’t jump to this often. But, you’re 19. Move on from this asshole.
I feel like he is trying to manipulate you into doing something that you’re uncomfortable with. If he does something that makes you panic or feel like you’re going to have a panic attack then he needs to stop. And him telling you that he never gets what he wants sexually because you don’t want to do anal is manipulative. He should not push you to do things you don’t want to do. Period. You need to have a conversation where you tell him your boundaries. You can also tell him that if you ever change your mind that you will let him know.