I am looking for various perspectives on my sex life. I (18F) am married to my best friend (21M). In the beginning, the sex was fantastic. There wasn’t much foreplay but I was so infatuated that I didn’t care. I have a very high sex drive (1x daily or more) and he did too at that time. Now that time has passed the honeymoon phase faded. I still feel intimate and emotionally close to him but it’s different now.
I tell him about what I want in bed and sometimes he listens. He’s not very good at reading my body language to see what feels good. I tried explaining where my G spot is several times- he’s never tried. I also mentioned that I really enjoy foreplay (biting, body kissing, caressing, massages, fingering, oral, nipple play, etc) to get in the mood. It makes me hornier & wetter. I do not care how long the sex lasts if there is quality foreplay before. He usually only does it when I mention it to him or when I’ve had a “rough” day, rarely by his own device. We have tried using sex toys during or after sex but it doesn’t do much for me because I am not warmed up.
Now, we rush through it all, he cums and he goes back to video gaming. Logically, it would be fair to give me foreplay because he can’t make me orgasam even though he does every time. I figured that maybe he leads by example, so I began giving him the attention, foreplay and oral sex that I crave. I told him that I love taking the time to make him feel good. It genuinely has not been reciprocated. I often cry after we have sex, while I finish by myself. I told him that I feel he’s being selfish in bed and he made me feel bad about it. I tried to be gentle by saying that I am unsatisfied, that it would be nice to orgasam and that he doesn’t seem to try anymore. He responded with- “Well I obviously can’t make you orgasam. I don’t even want to have sex with you anymore because you’re always upset after. I don’t like hours and hours of foreplay. I am too tired after work to have sex for a long time” (which makes sense until he’s “tired” every time we have sex). After this conversation, we had the same sex that I described- short foreplay, he cums, he goes. It’s like he hears me but doesn’t listen. Since he said that to me I feel scared to tell him- again- that I am unsatisfied. If I do then he won’t have sex with me.
He eats me out but only for a short amount of time, expecting an orgasam which adds pressure. I know that I can orgasam with him if he was willing to put the time and care into it. I feel rushed. The thing is, my sex drive is higher than his, so anytime he’s in the mood I will take what I can get. I don’t really want to have sex with him anymore because it is so disheartening. I am so horny all the time. I tried putting myself in a man’s shoes, imagining fucking a woman without thinking to get her off too. I can’t picture it!
Based on what I shared, I would like to hear honest opinions. Maybe we’re both too inexperienced. Maybe I am lacking in communication/ boundary setting skills. Am I the problem here? Am I being too high maintenance? Is it realistic for me to want to cum during sex? Are we sexually incompatible? Perhaps I am being dramatic (hormones yay!!). I just don’t know what to do. I am a beautiful & sensitive woman. I know that I deserve to be satisfied. If you have advice/opinions I am open to listening.
4 comments
Oh honey.
It sounds like he’s a selfish lover who doesn’t care about you at all. I can’t imagine that someone who cares this little about you in the bedroom would care much for you outside of the bedroom.
You’ve made it extremely clear multiple times what you need to feel satisfied during sex. Any good partner (who doesn’t have boundaries against what you need) would absolutely do those things for you.
You are not necessarily incompatible. It sounds honestly like what is going on here is a lack of proper communication. If you communicated better, and it sounds like YOU try to, but he doesn’t, than most likely your sex life will improve. He needs to understand exactly how you feel. If you have to come right out to him about how you are extremely unsatisfied and you are sure things can improve if he will listen and talk to you about it, he might understand. I would start by saying something like “you know I love and care about you, and wouldn’t want to hurt you, but we need to have a serious discussion about some things” and just tell him exactly how you feel. You said he doesnt reciprocate or even know where your g-spot is. Well a lot of husbands don’t know where it is. You should tell him since you want him pleased as much as he can be, that if you are fully pleased he will be more. Remind him that marriage means often putting your spouse’s needs and wants before yours, and that includes sexually. Tell him that you don’t feel like you should suffer sexually and not be pleased fully just because he doesn’t know how to do that for you or flat out doesn’t want to. -there is a way to fix this and if you speak to him very bluntly about it instead of just while you are in bed trying to be pleased, it could solve your problems. Also, it might be a good idea for you to tell him that you want to teach him how to please you since he is having an issue. If he doesn’t like alot of foreplay, you must assure him that it is necessary for you, that you require it. The only way this issue will be solved is through communication.
If one if the partners in the relationship are unsatisfied, it is bad for both partners in the relationship. She comes first is the way. There wasn’t much foreplay in the past, so how to start.
I think your last attempt before throwing in the towel is to try and be positive and request something specific, perhaps something you enjoyed in the past. If he isn’t willing to try, ask him if he wants to be married to you. You are on the express way to divorce. Sorry, but that is the truth.
You need to tell him, you need all that foreplay to get in the mood. That no kind of PIV can fix that. He might find himself more at ease with the situation, because maybe in his mind he should be able to make you come in minutes. Tell him why your were upset in the past. That you are ok with initiating, but want him to initiate too, to feel loved. It seems to me, that he associates you not coming from simple PIV with his lack of skill, attractiveness or length. Don’t let him in, until he gave you all the foreplay you need. Tell him, that you expect at least some cuddles after sex and just leaving makes you feel objectified and beeing a chore. My guess is that he has given up, because he thinks that he can’t really satisfy you, he always sees you in a miserable state after the act, that is why he quit trying. Tell him what you like, instead what you don’t like. For example, tell him that you really like it, when he takes more time eating out your pussy and when he don’t try to rush you to orgasm. Be more vocal during the foreplay and tell him how good it makes you feel, to give you more and not to stop.