My wife and I where sat watching TV while talking and we got onto the topic of work and I mentioned that I’m happy with my current job and feel like I earn a decent amount that I would be happy to stay on for the rest of my working life. She has made it clear that she disagrees regarding this and wants to see me get into a better role and earn more money. I have agreed that I will try get into a better role at the first opportunity and have been working hard to make a good impression at the company I’m currently at.
The conversation took a bit of a turn when I mentioned that I was happy and didn’t particularly feel like I needed to work my way up the ladder and the only reason I was going to was for her. My wife said to me that she would be happy for me to stay in my current position so long as I understand that she feels like I am holding her back (she has a good job with a decent salary and a pay rise once her training is complete) and that she wants to start living life. She said so long as I am ok with her going away with friends that it shouldn’t be a problem. She mention that she’d try getting all sorts of people to do these things that I won’t be able to afford, but most likely it would be single male friends as getting a female friend out the house is more difficult and asking a married man to go away on holiday/ over night to stay at a hotel for drinks would be a no go for most married men. She also mentioned that it would be easier to get single male friends to go away because they would most likely think they are going to get sex and this make me feel very uncomfortable.
I said I feel like I’m being coerced into trying to get a more stressful/better paid job as going away with single male friends who are hoping to get some would be a no go from me boundary cross. Especially for overnight drinks and a hotel stay even if She says they are in separate rooms.
The next day I was a little off with her about this and we talked about it and she assured me that she did not mean it in a threatening manor. She was just wanting to make sure that years down the line when she’s arranged to go do these things I cant afford with someone else I don’t have an issue with it and understand that this has happened because of my actions.
I really feel like I’m being gaslighted here and I’m loosing my shit as it really feels like I’m being threatened into getting a more stressful job even though she swears she’s not threatening with what she’s saying.
Feel like it’s worth mentioning I am trying to get a better job, we earn a decent amount, Have a mortgage and pretty decent lifestyle + no kids.
Am I insane for being upset over this?
Edit: wife has good job and is paid more than me she’s not trying to get sugar daddies to pay for her to go places she wants financially equal people who can afford to go places she wants to go 😂 I don’t think I’m good as explaining things.
20 comments
I’m sorry did I just read what I think I read?
Your wife said “you need to earn more money otherwise I’m going to be an escort,” and you’re not sure if you should be upset?
She is totally insane lol
No, this is manipulative. The fact that she’s so sure no women would ever be able to join her is suspect.
I think you aren’t wrong for being upset by it. It sounds like she’s pressuring you into making more money because your goals and satisfaction with your lifestyles are different. She wants to be able to do things she sees other people doing rather than being content with the life you two have.
I had to come to terms with several things in my own life and maybe your wife does too. It sounds like she has ideas based on perceptions and goals that do not reflect yours.
I grew up in a house with two parents, and my mother was a SAHM until my brother and I went to school. After that, she earned an advanced degree and became a professional. The example I had was what I took with me through my own life. That a “better” job or more ambition is the goal. That people can do certain jobs that pay well but aren’t ambitious enough until they work a more prestigious job that is in a more “well respected profession.”
When I got married to my husband, I knew I was going to earn more than him because of my earning potential as well as our career choices. My husband is a hard worker and traded in a warehouse job for an office type job with the same salary essentially. Only a little bit more money but not more enough to make it more worthwhile. He wants to go back to his old job. At first I balked because it was like “why would you rather do *that* job than the one you have now?”
That’s not a him problem, that’s a me problem.
Anyway, my point is, I had to come to terms with how his goals and mine align. We need money to live. Whether he works a warehouse job or in corporate America makes no difference to him. What we can do with that money and how much we have matters and I had to accept that as long as he’s willing to work (the bare minimum), then I have to support him because it helps us reach both of our individual and joint goals.
Women go out on girls nights and girls trips all the time.
If she wants to be a paid escort then she’s welcome to it, but brother I’d recommend bailing out if that’s her position.
I got questions..
Does she work? As far as ambitions and such what are you plans career wise in the next 5,10,15+ yrs? Are you willing to bust your ass even more so your wife won’t be tempted to go out to the streets? Her saying this imo is her planting the seeds for these ideas she has. And yes you should be upset.
I understand that some married couples keep money separate, but how unusually cruel to say she’s going on vacations with or without you. And not to have specific friends in mind, but plan to go with anyone who will go with her! I think she is telling you that she values the vacation more than she values time with you. And like shoddy bus said, she certainly values her vacations/lifestyle/happiness over your daily happiness/satisfaction.
Yes, you are very rightful upset.
“he also mentioned that it would be easier to get single male friends to go away because they would most likely think they are going to get sex and this make me feel very uncomfortable”
WUT?
You are not insane to be upset over this. She is telling you to conform to her expectations “or else”. This isn’t how a healthy marriage works.
I would have told her to not let the door hit her in the ass on her way out.
That started out pretty normal and then took a left turn into crazy. Like she’s saying if you can’t afford me with what I want, I’m gonna go get sugar daddies to pay for what I want. Further, she doesn’t think that’s a threat, it’s just business and okie dokey for her to run off and do.
Is that right?
It sure makes the entire marriage feel hollow. I’d tell her if that’s her plan, she might as well pack everything up and go to these sugar daddies right now because that’s not how marriages work.
I’m sorry, man.
This is so crazy to me. I make almost triple of what my husband makes and when We go on vacation I pay for him because I only want to go on vacation with him and not my friends. We are a little older but if I went on vacation with my guy friends it would hurt his feelings and there is no way I would do that to him. I am so sorry
This is not normal. Marriage is about two people enjoying all of life’s trappings together. If I have a dollar, my wife has a dollar, and vice versa. Normally couples do not do separate vacations, especially with other men. She is basically saying, if you don’t do what I want I will find someone who will. This is great look at her character. Best of luck, and better stock up on protection for your health.
It’s absolutely astounding how some people talk together in a marriage. She’s manipulating you and telling you she is going to go out with single men and get paid to do it because you can’t afford to do it…Jesus, WTF?
How can you handle this arrangement? Have more worth for yourself and leave! Find someone who appreciates what you offer. Money is not motivation for everyone but it sounds like it is for her regardless of how she gets it!
So if a woman says to you that you and her could go on holidays without your wife she would not see a problem? Really! Your wife would not have a problem with it? Really!
I suspect these are funny thoughts for a married couple and talk from your wife? I suspect that this is very suspicious and maybe there may be more at play here than she is letting on?
Does she have to does go away with work? If so very questionable? Do you ever look at her texts and other comms. Because if my wife brought up about solo trips with other men then I personally would start being suspicious of what she is not saying?
But hey you know your wife better than most? But remember the husband is always the last to know about infidelity because she was really open honest and trustworthy.
What the fuck. Seriously what the fuck. Tell her that while she’s gone you’ll be hanging out at home making dinner and having drinks with single female friends while she’s doing that and see how that goes down with her. Seriously she’s crazy. This is crazy. You’re not crazy.
I’d bet she’s already cheated. Honestly, the whole “I’d be likely going with single men who want to f*ck me” is so far out of bounds I am floored.
My H is my best friend and we have fun together. Regardless of “who” pays. Sorry but this sounds crazy.
Your relationship sounds like roommates with benefits. Sure as hell doesn’t sound like a marriage.
Can you really be happy for years to come with someone like this?
You could point out you can have a meeting for nymphomanics in recovery whenever she’s away. It’s good to volunteer.