I (22M) don’t know how others feel about this, but I find myself honestly wishing that more of the women I come across would just tell me directly that they’re not interested. The last few times I’ve gone out with women, things went well. We laughed, had a conversation thay flowed well, and they ultimately told me at the end that they were interested in a second date, but then those dates would never happen. I would either just kind of get faded off and never hear from them again or they would have a change of heart and tell me that they just wanted to be friends.
I don’t mind making new friends, and I actually welcome it many times. My mind shifts gears and I take solace in the fact that at least I made a new friend out of the situation. Unfortunately, though, that never really materializes. I find that, once I say I’m find with being friends, communication completely stops still, so I get the same ghosting result as I would if they had just stopped talking to me from the start.
I know that dating is a minefield in many respects and a lot of people, especially women, come across so many people online and even in real life that it’s difficult (and honestly inconvenient) to sit down and give a formal rejection to everyone they’re not interested in. I’m also aware of the threat of danger in many women’s minds when it comes to not knowing how a guy will handle rejection. I pride myself on respecting people’s boundaries, so if a woman tells me she’s not interested or she doesn’t want to speak anymore, I take it on the chin and keep moving forward.
I’m really just venting here because there’s nothing I can do to change this, but I just wish that I could be told honestly when a woman’s not interested. I don’t like to get my hopes up and go into planning mode for a second date only to get ghosted in the end. Has anyone else been through this?
22 comments
Honestly I understand how it feels, in the same boat man. Sorry I don’t have the answer you’re looking for, but it’s good to see I’m not the only one having this dilemma
After recovering from a 5 year LTR breakup I dipped my toes into the dating pool and it’s baffling and borderline hilarious how people are so flaky and unaware of their own committment issues.
If I were to point at Dating Motives, the two most prominent would be 1.) Fear of Being Alone and 2.) Fear of Rejection. From a romantice POV one likes to think that Humans are driven by a desire to bond with another to establish some higher quality of life and expression. The reality is that most folks will seekout inappropriate, even abusive relationships rather than accept years of solitude and the idea of “not being acceptable” as a partner. These two threats loom so large in an individual’s psyche that even rational alternatives are routinely discounted in the name of pairing to avoid an outcome rather than produce an outcome. FWIW.
Right there with you bud. Often a girl will even say how much they had a great time and can’t wait to see me again. They’ll even try to set up another date and then when I text them again there’s no response. Maybe they just weren’t feeling it, or they like another guy better. Maybe I said something stupid. Would be nice to know but oh well, I guess that’s just the way things are now.
I wish I wasn’t so wracked with anxiety about rejection that I could find a date. OLD only ever found me matched with scammers over years. I talked to one actual woman who took a light joke as an insult. In person dating is just as hard in a rural area. Your social standing is set quickly and hard to change.
Most people live inauthentic lives, and they don’t question themselves enough to go read about basic people skills like active listening and conflict resolution.
Yup – I changed my dating strategy to one of being ruthlessly selective.
If I don’t get a consistent “hell yes” vibe from the women, throughout our interactions (messages, date, post date, etc), I drop my investment to a bare minimum and move on to the next one.
And although I do understand that sometimes I may be passing up women that are actually interested (but maybe are busy etc.), It’s saved me far more time than expending mental energy, time, and money on the vast majority that don’t and just want tell me (slow fade).
For real though, I set a date/time/place. try to show my interest when I Am interested. If there is any hint of hesitancy she is OUT.
​
* Taking more than a day to respond to texts – OUT
* “I should be free next week” “We’ll see” “maybe we could get together” – OUT
* eyes wandering during the date / etc. or she mentions she has to leave early. I thank her for her time and say I have to run to meet a friend. – OUT
* General Poor/Vague Communication – OUT
* Texting/etc. consistently, then dropping off /less texts – OUT
This is necessary to guard your time, energy, and money in this ruthless dating age.
Woman here. I can’t speak for all women, but let me just say unlearning being polite even when we’re uncomfortable or unsure is one of the hardest things to do. Some dudes may not like this answer and see it as an excuse, but it is what it is. Some women, of course, have no problem outright rejecting guys and explaining why, but a good majority still struggle to do so because they don’t won’t to be seen as a b!tch or feel rude. Not to mention the danger in certain cases.
Just yesterday an older male coworker at my job asked me for my number. He did so under the pretext of it being for business matters, so I initially agreed. But then as we kept making small talk, he asked when he would be able to have me over to hang out with him casually. It clicked to me at that moment he was interested in me “that” way, so now I was put in a situation where I had to make it clear to him I wasn’t into him. I felt very awkward, as we were working right next to one another performing a task together (this is in a warehouse setting). So, I couldn’t reject him then walk away, we’d have to stay beside each other for the next two hours left of the shift.
So, call me timid or whatever, but I simply never straight up rejected him, just chuckled nervously when he asked me out. After that, he kept exchanging small talk but didn’t try to keep flirting with me. I’m just explaining a real life situation that can occur, cause it just feels straight up awkward and that’s it. I usually don’t agree to a second date, if I know I’m not that interested and will just say “We’ll see” or “Tonight was fun” if a second date was hinted at. Sometimes I can be bold too, and yes it is definitely the best route, many of us women understand this, but like I said it’s hard being that blunt when we’ve been taught to be polite and vague. Also, sometimes guys will keep trying to convince you to give them a chance, which makes saying no over and over again even more difficult.
And I know some guys out there think “women have the keys to the castle, rejecting men is nothing to y’all”. Not quite. Yes, since we usually get asked out and not the other way around, we get use to being hit on. But rejecting guys doesn’t feel much easier no matter how often we have to do it. Ghosting is simple, however, and requires no effort. Again, I know it isn’t fair, but I know for myself and other women I’ve spoken to about this, rejecting isn’t fun in the slightest.
Ok well I wish someone would have told you by now but “lets just stay friends” or “we can be friends” is just a very polite way of rejecting you and by no means should be interpreted as wanting to hang out or communicate more.
Are you planning the second dates or expecting them to?
When a woman tells you they just want to be friends that’s them telling you they don’t take you seriously. You don’t become friends with women you are attracted to or had any sort pretense of intimacy prior with. You simply cut your loses and don’t respond to such nonsense and cut all sort of connection or attention with them. You end up looking like a chump orbiter when you agree to be friends with chicks you are into or dated. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with some women but not with girls you are trying to get with or who reject you. If they pull out the “i want to be friends” you simply don’t respond or entertain
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I’m a woman and I find myself in this situation. Currently in it, I’ve been talking to a guy long distance for 73 days, we have had one in person meet, went very well, amazingly well… week after visit, on a phone call I was projecting doubts and fears and I think scared him, and now he is obviously just being nice and maybe doesn’t know how to just tell me exactly what it is, from the recent conversation and things he says, it seems like he wants ME to say something, to end talking so he doesn’t have to be the one to “break things off” … maybe idk. But I don’t want to, I apologized for projecting my doubts and fears about the possibility of a long distance relationship, It hit me immediately that conversation is too soon to have and I apologized for it., but what’s said is said, I can’t take it back and now I’m pretty sure I ruined everything between us. 😩
God gives nuts to those with no teeth.
Women find it dangerous to do it in person.
Ppl are just plain immature i am 44 it only gets worse. My advice is maybe look for sum1 more beautiful on the inside than on the outside…some1 maybe a little less into partying and more mature but who knows at my age they just get meaner and more ghostly. Good luck maybe dont try so hard sum1 will come along 😁
As a woman, I’m cautious now because after I said no in my experience I’ve been stalked, threatened, had someone attempt to drug my drink, and ignored. 😐
I wish women would do this to but they don’t for the following reasons:
1. They’re chicken shit
2. They’re used to weak men freaking out and calling them names if they do reject.
3. They so care so little about you that they don’t want to be bothered.
4. They have anxiety and have trouble talking to people much less rejecting you.
5. The threat of violence from crazy dudes.
Someone will come along men r players much luck n luv
“Has anyone else been through this?”
OP, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never. Washington Monument. Eiffel Tower.
females tell you they just want to be friends to see if you’re a weak male
A lot of guys here are not very empathic… Try seeing it from there perspective. They have to reject a lot of men and doing so sometimes might just lead to problems… Some men get angry, aggressive or mean because they got rejected and these woman rather avoid those situations… Think hard and ask yourself can you really blame them for thinking this way?
Maybe this is the wrong approach (so someone please do correct me if I’m wrong) – but this is the point I’m at if I am to meet someone in the initial meeting moving forwards:
Ask her intentions straight up and what they’re looking for. I’ve wasted so much time taking people out only to get the “not ready” or “let’s be friends” line that I need to know where someone stands from the getgo to see how I myself want to move forward with it. If I had done this in all of my previous experiences; I could’ve protected myself a lot more and not wasted time on someone who doesn’t feel the same as me.