Hello, hoping to get some Reddit advice since I can’t afford therapy 🙂 Here are the key facts of our relationship:
* We have known each other for 8 years, starting in high school
* We started dating in the past 2 years, long distance since we went to university across the country
My boyfriend’s dream has always been academia. He has a passion for Mathematics which I have not seen in anyone so deeply before (personally) and it is always what he wanted to do. He is now getting a PhD in Mathematics in another country.
I don’t have any one burning passion or one fixation, but I have a flourishing career that I love and I am still passionate about.
The semester has just started for his first year PhD program, and we are back to long distance. The issue now is that a PhD is much more demanding than a Bachelors, and it’s something that I will never fully understand. I have talked to others about advice on dating grad students, and many said to pick up on their slack, be understanding of their time constraints, and more.
Knowing this, I was prepared for myself not to be his top priority anymore, and that I will have to initiate more date nights and conversations. However, where do I draw the line? If I want to be supportive of his dreams, then I need to understand that his time is constrained and he will always be tired. That is fine. I love him and we have said our end goal is closing the gap and marriage, so I am willing to sacrifice some comfort. But lately I feel more and more like I am not being valued at all. Being left on read for hours at a time, sometimes my texts go without any acknowledgement, lack of non-platonic conversations, all of which were not a problem before. How do I draw the line between understanding that he is tenfolds busier now, and still wanting *some* of my needs met?
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TLDR: Basically the last line: How do I draw the line between understanding that my PhD boyfriend is tenfolds busier now, and still wanting *some* of my needs met?
5 comments
> and he will always be tired.
He is inefficient and cannot work (or play) effectively in such a state. He needs to learn to ‘pace’ himself appropriate to the demands on his time.
> Being left on read for hours at a time, sometimes my texts go without any acknowledgement
Not seeing that as ever being a problem in your relationship. But if it is then it should be discussed at some point.
What is his field of study (for his Ph.D.)?
Oof that’s difficult and sadly there’s no good answer. The first year is also exceptionally hard as he’s learning so much new information in a small amount of time. The truth of the matter is, he doesn’t have the time or the mental capacity to be in a relationship at the moment. You could talk to him about compromises, maybe a codeword or an emoji you send each other when he’s too busy to reply, having a call every week, saying good morning/good night, these kind of things.
But if you’re expecting anymore than that then you might need to decide if this is the relationship for you.
Have you specifically discussed this with him? Discussed how you fully respect he has very little time, but that you are worried for the relationship if he deprioritizes it too much? Sometimes talking will help you two come to a better solution. Sometimes you recognize that there is no good solution. It might also help if he keeps you more aware of his schedule, so you may have a better idea of when to expect time from him and when not. Perhaps there are breaks now and then where he can direct more time your way to help keep you feeling important to him.
Academia is a lifestyle. This isn’t a simple career choice. This is a way of life.
Unless you are crazy falling off the turnip truck in love with this person, and love the way he does math, and love hearing him talk about math, and all the hilarious stories from the other members of the academic team, I would really rethink your relationship with him, and instead pivot into a friendship versus relationship. Or take a breather on the expectation that you are dating full time, and instead take a moment to put your relationship on hold, until you are both ready to fully devote yourselves to each other.
Long distance with a PhD mathematics future professor? That’s a very long-standing life of waiting, waiting, and waiting for your partner to be chosen to live in on campus housing, dealing with college politics, and attending seminars on mathematics.
Be very sure you want this type of life.
If he’s not aware of Cal Newport, I think it might be useful for him to check out some of his books/blog posts. Writes about how to be productive without killing yourself, living a deep (and balanced) life, etc. Some of his older blog posts, from when Newport himself was a PhD student, might be of particular relevance.