I (22M) have been with my partner (24F) for nearly two years now. I love her and hope to one day propose to her. I am her first sexual partner (something she lied to me about before we had sex). I have been very patient with her, but she is not sexually giving at all. It’s gotten to the point where I just feel like her dildo/vibrator. It’s not a frequency issue, but for instance, if she wants sex, she will do her best to turn me on even if I am not interested, but once she cums, it’s usually game over. I don’t expect reciprocity everytime, but I am getting the very short end of the orgasm stick. She’s probably gone down on me less than 5 times this year, compared to probably well over a dozen for me. If I want her to, I have to ask, and it’s hard because I don’t want her to feel like she has to do anything, so I often just don’t. If I need her to kiss my neck or play my penis, I often have to ask. I have previously discussed it in a very light manner before, but I feel I need to be more direct since it’s gotten to the point, where I am fantasizing about previous partners. I just want to feel like she cares about my satisfaction. I also don’t really have any solutions/suggestions for her, so bringing it up right now is just presenting a problem she never dealt with before. Any advice is appreciated.
6 comments
No. Don’t propose. You are way too young to commit if you are not compatible.
So, you guys are in your early 20s and it’s only going to get worse. You’re not sexually compatible in the way to approach sex.
If I wanted to be optimistic I’d say you have to talk to her about it directly and tell her you aren’t happy. Don’t worry about crushing her feelings because the end of the relationship will crush her much more, and that’s where it’s heading.
Ok, that wasn’t that optimistic either. The fact of the matter is, you are not going to have a good marriage with someone who is so misaligned sexually that you are writing to Reddit in your early 20s. It’s just the harsh truth. Do people grow sexually? Of course. But this is more of a mindset thing and I’m not very hopeful.
What kind of conversations have you had about your and her sexual needs? Are you comfortable talking about sex?
I honestly don’t think that there is any way to convey how bad your sex life is without hurting her feelings. You are her first partner, so she has no way of knowing that her actions are hurting your sex life without you directly telling her. You’ve let her believe she’s doing everything right, I’m not saying this is entirely on you but if you want results you’re probably going to have to work just as hard to fix this.
Maybe try a compliment sandwich to breach the subject.
-Babe I love you to the ends of the earth and back I love how you show your love when you ___.
-It’s just that sometimes when you don’t really touch me or show me love in bed, I feel a little left out of my own love life.
-I am more than willing to help you know what I like and be patient with you as long as you try. You make me happy in all other aspects of our life and I know this might hurt to hear but you genuinely make me feel wonderful in every other way.
The end is really important, don’t minimize the problem or backtrack in any way. Tell her how much she means to you and tell her how you’ll be patient and tell her what you like as long as she tries to make you feel better in bed.
Also, ask her if you’re not pleasing her very well or if she’s interested in having sex at all. Make sure you smell nice and look nice when you try to initiate. If you want blowies, make sure your penis is clean.
Best wishes and good luck.
Don’t even think to commit for now, long way to go dude, have proper conversation and be straight in about what you feel,likes and dislikes.
All you can do is encourage the behavior.
Perhaps start a conversation about sex and ask if she likes what you do. Then somehow say you like stuff but wish you would do a little more to me…
When you phrase an improvement suggestion between two statements where you communicate what you do like that she does then it’s easier to hear.
The old compliment sandwich.
I wish you would do more.
I wish I didn’t have to ask for blank
I wish you would take more initiative in trying to pleasure me. Ask me what I want. Work on making it fun for me.