Edit: We broke up vía cellphone. He chose everything but me, he was afraid of living on his own, he didn’t want to live with me either. And I Even considered going to his city and live there for the resto of my life.
I’ve (24F) been in a relationship for almost 4 years with this guy (24M). He’s my first boyfriend, my first everything. I met him when I was 20 yo in a spring science club and we started dating after 5 days, I know, it’s too crazy, but it was a good choice. Everyone in my family loves him, he’s a caring sweet person. The only problem is that we’re in a long distance relationship, we have to travel 10 hours by car to see each other, we saw each other pretty much for the first year and a half before pandemics because of our academic schedules, I even spent two and a half months with him in the city he lives in.
But since the pandemics we’ve seen each other less and less, 3 to 5 times a year for a week, except for july when we used to see each other for a month and a half.
I started my master classes the previous year and he started working as a teacher supposedly for a year. But in december he told me he’ll be working for another year, and recently he told me he just has a week of vacation per year and that he’ll start paying rent to her mom this month. He also is struggling with depression and finding a therapist that matches him, I has depression and anxiety for years but I’m better now thanks to therapy and meds.
I’ve already have tried to talk about me not being comfortable anymore in a long distance relationship and wanting to live together because I want to have something for sure, but he always ends up telling me that he doesn’t believe I’m ready to live together and neither he is, but I know I can live alone, I’ve been living alone since I’m 19, I just started living with my parents again because of the pandemics, but he’s never lived on his own and he can’t say no to his mom.
He also says that we’ll live together in 3 years but I honestly can’t wait anymore, I’m tired of waiting and even if I love him, he just has to grow up before being with someone, and I have to grow up too, know what it is to be on my own, rediscovering everything about me without him.
Also there’s a girl who I feel something for but I won’t date her even after I take a break from my relationship because I don’t think we’ll be a good match and I would like to try to be with him again in the future.
Still I feel like he didn’t take me in consideration, he could have lived here if he was gonna pay rent, he could get a job here, but still he didn’t chose me, he chose his life there and even if it hurts, I’m trying to understand because I’ll do the same, I’ll chose my life over him.
He’s supposed to come here this week, and I’m planning to tell him everything, but would it be better to do it this way or telling him through a phone call? Would it be better if I told him on the first day or the last day? He already bought the tickets to come and go back.
TL;DR: I’m gonna end my long distance relationship and I’m wondering if it’ll be better to finish it when he comes to my town next week or by a phone call.
5 comments
To answer you question. I feel it is best to do this over the phone – him being stranded at your place with this news isn’t the best. And him driving back after this news also isn’t the best.
But, I don’t really see why you should give up on this relationship so easily – it sounds like it works, outside of your respective positions in life.
But you both are young and in an important transition period. I think before ending it, you should give him an ultimatum.
I agree, 3 years is too long to wait. But instead you tell him to move to you (or you to him) within a year. If he can get a job in your area, then the sooner the better.
On another note – If you do break up, then you might as well pursue the girl you like because I don’t think it’s ever wise to stay in touch with an ex. You’d need to move on completely and get the relationship you want from someone else.
My two cents: tell him before he takes a 10 hour trip to see you. Once you break up with someone, if they’re not expecting it, you literally cannot be a source of anything but pain to them. You cannot make it hurt less, because you’re the one making it hurt in the first place. You can’t soften the blow, because the only way to do so would be to “take it back.” What he needs after being dumped is a safe place and people he can be comforted by. You can provide neither. Imagine dumping him, and then having him drive 10 hours back while trying to deal with it? Or worse, dumping him and then inviting him to stay over? Yeesh.
Call him up, tell him it’s over, and get off the phone as soon as you can so he can start grieving. It sucks that he already bought the tickets, but at least you won’t make him waste 20 hours traveling (there and back) just to have a terrible time.
I would do it ASAP before this flight so he has time to cancel.
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U sound like u have a good thing. Maybe the long distance factor can change soon? True love wins in the end