Okay so my (28f) lovely boyfriend (27) is autistic and he was a complete and total virgin before he met me. Hell, he said he had never even kissed anyone before he was with me and he hadn’t ever seen a girl naked before in “real life.” Today we decided to have sex, and…I almost don’t even want to think about it it was so awkward.
First, I think it’s pretty obvious he was trying to imitate what he had seen in porn before. When we began to kiss, it seemed like he was trying to lead me down to his dick to blow him right away. Then he started to *rip* my clothing off (ruined my shirt and sweater but I’m not mad at all) and I had to tell him to pull it off instead of ripping it. Then he just tried to put his penis into my vagina without any sort of fore play at all, and I once again had to correct him. When we finally did get to PiV, he was flailing on me like a fish out of water and he kept trying to switch positions every few minutes (at one point he put his tip on my asshole and I immediately had to stop him). Finally, the final nail in the coffin came when he randomly spanked me really hard out of nowhere.
I was very tactful but I told him he needed to just forget everything he thought he knew and listen to me. I could tell he was EXTREMELY embarrassed and felt really bad and he said he just “wanted me to feel good” and “hoped he was doing ok.”
What I had him do was put all of his clothes back on and I put all of mine back on and I literally grabbed his hands and showed him how I wanted him to handle me (I took off my clothes with his hands, rubbed myself with his hands, took off his pants with his hand, etc.) and we had sex with me holding them the whole time to show him how I liked it. However, he was so embarrassed and ashamed of the way he acted before that I think he’s having a little shutdown. He completely isolated himself and I think he even started crying a little and he doesn’t really want to talk much.
He’s the most wonderful boyfriend in the world and I know he didn’t mean anything at all bad by his actions, and I feel so bad for him. I didn’t mean to embarrass him and I don’t know what to do next. What can I do at this point?
Additionally…how can I tactfully explain that porn isn’t at all like real sex and educate him on what real sex is?
EDIT: one more thing I forgot to mention that might make this whole thing make more sense: he had extremely abusive and religious parents who forced him to be homeschooled and taught him NOTHING about sex so he never had any formal education about it.
15 comments
I think what you started doing is good. Take your time and direct him step by step. It seems like he was just focused on doing the right thing for you so just take it slower
It takes time it never the best for the first time as a new couple virgin or not.
You two talk and keep reassuring him he did nothing wrong. There were better ways for both of you to enjoy sex, and you want to try again. Using the re-start showing as a good way for both to learn each other.
I wonder if helping him understand that the first time and two people have sex, that there is learning to be done. Like one person may he hit one thing, but another may not! Just to help him understand that part of this is not just his inexperience, even if that’s contributing to it?
I wonder also if you can ask him what he needs after this experience. If he would prefer that you show or explain to him in certain ways (like what you did with physically moving his hands, or maybe showing clips of the vibe you enjoy etc?)
Finally, I’m wondering how much foreplay/make out stuff you’ve already done? Maybe slowing wayyyy down if you haven’t already established an enjoyable rhythm there could help take the pressure off of you both? Slowly teaching him piece by piece without the pressure of doing it all might help?
Just want to give you props for being so patient with this guy and taking the time to act out how it should be done. You sound like an amazing person.
Had a similar experience with my guy during our first few times in April/May last year. I can definitely relate (around the same age too). He’s neurodivergent, socially awkward and his previous experience was through watching a tonne of porn, an ex he slept with a handful of times due to being in an LDR, and losing his virginity to a prostitute.
He had zero skills and a whole tonne of awkwardness. I told him he was like a bull in a china shop heh. He’d never come before during sex (had to finish himself), didn’t know how to kiss, tried to copy things from porn. Kept slipping out during piv, didn’t know how to position himself at all. Said weird things. I’d recently ended a long, dead bedroom marriage so I didn’t care I was so horny. But that first morning after I looked at him and thought “what have I done”. But the chemistry and care were real so I talked to him.
And then I helped teach him. Showed him how to kiss, how to touch, helped him work out what he liked himself. It became a very beautiful learning experience for us both and now our sex life is next level.
The important thing is to help him feel safe, to acknowledge in an open conversation that porn is not reality and has consequences on bedroom knowledge and performance sometimes. That that’s okay and can be overcome. That it’s okay to be in a learning phase and that you can learn together. Pile on the reassurance.
It’ll end up being a bonding experience. 🌻
Was this your first time being sexual at all with him? Have you done oral before? Dry humping? Kissing all over? Touching all over? I might hold off on sex and go really slow. Introducing one thing at a time….getting better at each thing, learning to both communicate with each thing. Afterwards talking and checking in. Etc
Sounds like it was a little overwhelming/embarrassing–don’t assume it’s a big deal unless he says it’s a big deal, it sounds like you handled it well and he probably just needs time to decompress and regulate. Send him some articles/videos of stuff you do like so he can research on his own, and continue to be direct about what you like and ask about what he likes.
You could also watch porn together, which might be hot and give you a chance to tell him more about what you don’t like without it being a critique of his actions.
Im autistic i have no education on sex im 24 i only had se. 2 3 times but never finished. I can do ok with sex but get to where the person wants to have sex with me is zip. I have no game. No body taught me how to do anything to have relationships sexual and not sexual…..
I hope i get a girlfriend as thought helpful and nice as you. Theres hope
> how can I tactfully explain that porn isn’t at all like real sex
You don’t have to be tactful about that. He didn’t _make_ the porn; he just watched it. He isn’t personally responsible for it.
> he had extremely abusive and religious parents who forced him to be homeschooled and taught him NOTHING about sex so he never had any formal education about it.
I went to public school. They did a terrible job teaching me calculus. I am glad they did not even try to teach me to be a good lover.
My first sexual experiences were at a similar age and with a similar background. I eased into it with my first girlfriend, we almost did it all early on but it was obvious I didn’t know what I was doing. Her and I split before actually having sex but I appreciated the pace. There was no way I was gonna ask to not have sex but it’s what I needed in retrospect.
After her I went to massage parlors and paid a little extra to finger them. A couple of those sessions and I could find the vagina no problems and I was a lot more comfortable just being naked with a woman. Sex was a lot easier after that.
My point is that going from zero to full sex is a massive jump and should probably be taken slow. Maybe ease him into hand jobs, gentle fingering then sex.
Sex can be very much like porn, if you like it that way. The point is to communicate, which is what you should be doing now. One thing that doesn’t get discussed on camera in porn is that those people communicated what they like and don’t like before the scene was shot. What their limits were, etc.
Go find some steamy romance movies and show him the scenes from each movie, that you enjoy and watch them with him..
I would have loved it if I had a girlfriend who had guided me for my first time. You sound amazing, he’s a lucky guy.
Sounds like he’s just in a really tough situation… Feeling like a failure of a man. I also have (very mild) autism and I feel especially bad for kids who have religious parents and autism. We tend to take a lot of things literally at face value, so thanks partly to the sheltering from his parents, unfortunately it seems like he had no way to know that what he learned from porn was not actually reflective of real life. He may even think all women are pleased by the same things. This will no doubt be a difficult learning process for him, and to be honest I would probably feel just as awful as he does if I were in his shoes. I’ve made *more* than my fair share of embarrassing social mistakes over the years…
I have to say it sounds like you are a *wonderfully* supportive partner and he is really lucky to have someone willing to actually walk him through the process of pleasing them (though you may have gone a little overboard with the corrections for his first time). Most women would not go to such lengths. My recommendation is to just give him a little space if he needs it, but try to be really gentle and encouraging of his efforts since he is still so new. It may take him some time to get fully comfortable with sex now that he understands how little he knows… And **make sure he also knows you’re not upset about it.** All new partners take some time to get to know their individual preferences, so he needs to know that this learning process is TOTALLY NORMAL.