TLDR – I’m the average person with the average life, he’s highly educated and keeps on reading and studying as that’s his whole life. Are we doomed?
I’m currently seeing someone who is very different from me. And I keep asking myself if we can become something long term? We’ve been dating for 5 months.
How we are together – the talks are easy. We laugh a lot, we enjoy being goofy both in text and in person. We can talk about unimportant things, and more serious things. When we do discuss things that’s about life and the world we seem to be in the same level.
However. I’m a person who have lived the “normal life”. Got myself an education, have a good job, have three kids and one of them is now an adult. I have a house, car. I do the average things like spending time with my kids, family, watching films and series, going for hikes, going out with friends or to party a few times a year.
And him? Highly educated. Got one master. At the finishing end of a PhD. At the same time he’s doing another 7 year study program. All his life it’s been about school, studies, reading, being very physical active (got medals in championships in our country). He has also started to write and book. He doesn’t “waste time” watching TV. He does enjoy spending time with people he cares about. I’ve asked if he’ll ever want to stop being a student and he says he doesn’t know. He enjoys too much to keep studying, reading and learning.
Can someone like us ever figure out how to go long term? I’m suspecting no, and enjoy us for what we are at this stage. But I’m worried we’ll get hurt in the end.
Edit: he’s Sweet, caring, honest, respectful, considerate. Which I love about him!
9 comments
OP, I have neighbors who are a much more radical example of how “opposites attract” than you two. They have been happily married for decades, despite one being a Ph.D. university professor in the humanities, while the other is a heavy construction worker with a GED. They clearly still adore each other. It doesn’t really matter that you and your guy have very different passions and interests, as long as you share a mutual attraction and mutual respect, similar long-term goals and outlooks, compatible lifestyles, and the ability to communicate honestly and openly with each other. Oh yes, and one other thing – you both have to like and accept the other person just as they are, TODAY, and not secretly hope they will eventually become more like you and start to like more of the same things you do.
It sounds like you’ve got most or all of those things covered, so I’d advise you to go for it! Good luck!
I’d google: RELATIONSHIP SKILL to see if BOTH of you can LEARN some skills and techniques for making it work for you. IMO, most ppl fail because they simply DO NOT KNOW how to negotiate, compromise, cooperate and agreeably work WITH each other, AS FRIENDS, to let their “differences” fit together. Conflicts are usually about big differences that are not or cannot be WORKED OUT since one or both of the parties refuses to cooperate with or work with the other(s). A relationship needs to be happily BALANCED FRIENDSHIP – not with one person having control of or unfriendly power over the other. It seems that he may not be willing to compromise or work with you regarding CHANGING his life style or habits so you’d be in a constant struggle over goals, desires, feelings, etc. My 1st FAILED marriage because we did not KNOW HOW to agree or work together as friends.
There’s no way to predict how things will work out. Even seemingly “perfect matched relationships” can fail for many reasons and the phrase “opposites attract” exists for a reason.
The fact that you’re outdoorsy and he’s not doesn’t matter. You’ll have activities that you will do together and activities that you do apart. You both will need to compromise and that will work if both people are happy with the results.
What’s more important is communication, especially how you both resolve relationship problems, core values and what your future plans are. Core values are things like political and religious differences, those are things that are difficult (not impossible) to find happy compromises for. And future plan differences that aren’t compatible or align often can’t find a good compromise on. For example, if his future plans include kids and yours don’t, there’s no way to find a common ground or mutually happy compromise for that.
Being compatible doesn’t mean being the same. It means that you would be able to live together in the same place and get along.
So you have a good job and a few kids. He is deep into studies and competition. Would that work if you lived together? It depends on the two of you. Are you find with a partner who is sometimes doing something else? Are there things you’d want him to be involved in that might be a change from his usual lifestyle? Those are the questions that you may start to figure out as you date.
>How we are together – the talks are easy. We laugh a lot, we enjoy being
goofy both in text and in person. We can talk about unimportant things,
and more serious things. When we do discuss things that’s about life
and the world we seem to be in the same level.
I feel like this is the thing that matters most. This is your day-to-day, and it’s important that you can laugh together and always keep the conversation interesting.
The fact that he’s highly educated and sees himself as a mainstay in academia feels more like an explicit career choice rather than an expression of personality difference. He’s passionate about what he does, and that’s cool, so long as it’s not severely affecting your ability to bond.
It’s okay if you’re more of a “watch TV” kind of person and he’s more physically active. As long as you have a small handful of activities you can enjoy together, then that should be enough. Maybe you don’t have any right now but you can figure out an activity you both enjoy. It’s totally possible that he likes having his physical activities for himself (that way he can do them at his own pace and intensity).
Why would this be a problem? I’m not understanding what you think the incompatibility here is.
I think a lot of people pick up hobbies eventually from their partners so its just a matter of time to see if your life meshes eventually or not. The selling point of picking up camping now at my age is that you’re disconnected from everything and that’s a perfect way to get reading done. I don’t watch a ton of tv and I struggle with feeling productive but I’ll knit while watching to spend time with my husband.
>How we are together – the talks are easy. We laugh a lot, we enjoy being goofy both in text and in person. We can talk about unimportant things, and more serious things. When we do discuss things that’s about life and the world we seem to be in the same level.
This is the most important paragraph. When it’s easy, it’s an indication that you’re dealing with someone you’re compatible with. You may be different, but the differences aren’t holding back your interactions. My best friend and I could not be more different in our life experiences or backgrounds, but we have a lot of shared interest and, most importantly, when we hang out it’s just easy and everything flows; we laugh a ton and we always have fun.
It’s a little different with a partner than a close friend; you have to deal with financial issues, cohabitation issues, sexual issues, and all of the things that make up a committed relationship. But, focus on whether its easy or whether it feels like you’re swimming up stream to figure things out. It’s usually a really good indication (along with how well you two communicate).
As long as your not going to be supporting him I would see where it goes.