How do I tell him he’s bad in bed without hurting his feelings?

13 comments

1. When trying to teach a new partner what *I* like when we’re in the moment, I like to focus on the positives, almost ignore the more neutral things, and nip the negatives in the bud right away.

   Whenever he’s doing something good, react positively. Let him know it feels good with your words and your body and with your sounds.

   When he’s off the mark, gently guide back to what’s good but don’t pretend to enjoy it. “Keep doing what you were doing just before, with your mouth on my pussy” or whatever the good thing is.

   When it’s bad, “I don’t like that”, and “don’t do that” are valid. No one should be having sex they *hate*.

   When you aren’t in the moment though, it’s all about embarrassment free and candid communication. Rather than talk about what he’s done that you don’t like, talk about what you do like. What you’d like more of. What you’d like to try and start doing that you haven’t done yet. The conversation doesn’t need to be an attack, it can be almost instructional.

2. Communicate with him while you’re having sex. Try to use a tone of voice that doesn’t sound unhappy, and tell him what you want him to do. People do improve significantly sometimes.

   The tongue can get really sore if this is new to him, but it heals and gets stronger rather quickly. If he cares enough to try, he could really have a powerful and enduring tongue game in a few weeks.

3. Give him some suggestions to make him better. Tell him how you want it. Hopefully he’s a good listener. I don’t think you can say he’s “bad” without hurting his feelings, but you can give him the feedback to change that.

   Wanting him to talk dirty or be a bit rougher are straight forward. Tell him it turns you on and you want him to try that. Tell him you need more oral. Tell him how you like it. When he gets something the way you want it, tell him just like that. Tell him not to stop. Things like that.

4. “I’m not ready for sex yet. I need some actual stimulation to my vagina” would be a good place to start with the foreplay. And when he gets tired again too fast, oh well. “I’m still not warmed up enough yet”

   You had a decent amount or complaints so we’ll see what others have to chime in on the other topics

5. Loved the reply by u/Debaucherous-Me that’s awesome advice, about the only thing I would add on top of that would be the following:

   Since you know what you like most, and you already know from the reasons he has given in past as to why he not do stuff, find some ways yourself first to solve said issues.

   For example:

   “He did eat me out once and finger me but he said he got tired really quickly”

   It’s obvious that since he’s got a big penis he’s always relied on that to get him sex and very few complaints if any in the past with previous partners, so he’s never had to learn how to do anything else for long if at all, so unless you are used to doing something then it is automatically tiring as you are using muscles that you don’t normally use and in that specific way.

   So, maybe invest in a toy that has the rotating tongues on it, so when you want him to go down on you and eat you out, as he starts to get tired he can use the toys on you for a while to simulate the same effect.

   The way you bring something like that up is, hey babe, I know you found it tiring going down on me last time but I could tell you was enjoying it while you did, and I certainly enjoyed you doing it, so I was browsing around some toys online and came across this awesome toy, I’d so love you to use it on me if you need to to give your hands a break.

   In that one statement you have told him you enjoyed it, you want him to do it again, you understand that he gets tired and here is the solution to the issue, not once in that statement have you been negative at all, but you have got your point across.

   So basically think of all the things you think he is bad at or just hasn’t done, then put yourself in his position, and think to yourself how would I get me in this position to do what I want him to do while I’m in the other position? then once you have the solutions to it, then you can really talk to him and direct him as you want it all to go.

   Also, stuff like rough sex and dirty talk can be really difficult for a lot of people, so maybe check out resources from the BDSM community too, am sure there will be plenty of tips and tricks from those who do it 24-7 to help those who are just starting out in it, and though it may only be a casual thing now and then for you two, the process would still be same for learning how to start it up.

   Best of luck going forward.

6. What are you doing? Are you telling him to be rougher and go harder? Are you telling him what you want and like? Are you doing things he likes? Showing him the rhythm you like by getting on top? Guiding his hands to finger you? If you two aren’t actually communicating what you both like and want, there’s a good chance you are both bad in bed, at least together. If you like dirty talk, tell him. But if it’s new to him, guide him. Say “tell me how good my pussy feels” and other things where you are feeding him lines so he can gain some confidence. But you can’t assume someone will just know how to pleasure you. Sometimes it just snaps into place, but other times you have to accept a learning curve.

7. Have you tried sex with hot women?

8. Rather than tell him that he’s bad in bed, tell him what you want. From your post it sounds like you have a pretty straightforward list: more fingering, more oral, talk dirty, be rough. Communicate with him.

9. Atleast you are having sex be grateful some people dont even have sex

10. A singing telegram should do the trick. Either that or an airplane advertisement on the beach, you know, when they drag the banner behind the plane… that’s an idea.

11. There are tons of ways to breach this topic without out right telling him he sucks in bed. As most have mentioned, this is a conversation. It doesn’t even have to be long either. While he’s going down on you, hey why don’t you try xxx instead.

    Use positive reinforcement. Oh that was awesome, that’s the spot. If he’s too gentle, tell him he’s not going to break you or that you like it a little rough. Have a conversation about what he likes and fantasies and what you can do better.

    In the end, if you don’t talk about this, it isn’t going to get better. If it doesn’t get better, you might as well put a pin in it now because you’ll grow to despise him and sex.

12. Let’s be honest. You can’t. It always hurts to hear that you suck in bed.
    Most of guys are insecure with their sexual sphere even if they tell it’s OK. You know, we could always be better for you.

    You should try to show him the way you like.Fingering and eating is NOT really tiring; it may be just an excuse.

    BUT there may be a bigger picture you can’t see. Let me tell you something. Certain body parts have a taste and smell (obviously), but maybe sex is not his thing. I hate to have sex. It smells pretty bad, looks even worse… and hurts (me at least). I can do it but prefer not to and if I do it… well it sucks for sure, I’m aware of that. Maybe he suffers from sexual aversion. Some people want and crave intimacy but we just can’t force ourselves to cross the barier, it is just too much. The problem is in the head.

    So if I’m 1% right, you will not change that.

13. No one ever wants to hear they’re bad at sex, especially someone who is under the impression that their partner enjoys it because said partner has not actually done anything to suggest otherwise.

    He’s not a mind reader. If you want dirty talk, roughness and anything else you may want, You need to tell him and be specific.