Honestly, I’m just so tired of bad sex. I feel like it’s such a gamble, because a guy can be super great otherwise and say all the right things but then when it comes down to the wire be absolutely terrible. I don’t mean in terms of technique, just the level of selfishness astounds me. I used to love giving head and now any time I’m asked to I find myself feeling bitter and resentful because I don’t know if I’m going to get anything back.
So I set a rule for myself. No hookups, and no sex with anyone without a few dates and a discussion about sex prior. And as a result of that rule, I told a great guy that I’ve been out with a handful of times over the last month that we need to go our separate ways.
The way the conversation went was basically this: I asked him what he enjoys in bed, he was pretty vague. But the first thing he said was that he loves a good bj. My response was “I enjoy them too, assuming you return the favor of course.” And then he drops the bomb that he doesn’t go down on women.
When I told him that was a dealbreaker for me he said that I didn’t have to go down on him then. But first of all, I want to give my partner pleasure, head included, I just want it reciprocated. And more importantly, why would you say that receiving head is your favorite sexual activity if you KNOW you’re not going to get me off?
I know this is more of a rant than a question, and that I’m preaching to the choir here, but I’m just exhausted. And glad that I found out that the sex would be terrible for me before actually going through with it.
31 comments
All good. Set your boundaries and hurdles. Sounds like you own it.
You did amazing 👏🏼
What an absolute moron. Good thing you cancelled on him.
I was giving some advice to a virgin here the other day a virgin guy and I told him most men suck in bed so don’t worry about being inexperienced.
If a guy hasn’t gone down on you and made you come a few times before you start fucking don’t fuck him.
Now of course not all women have multiple orgasms there are some women who come once and they’re done but even in that case I’m going to go down on them and just do my best to ride that wave without letting them come before we have intercourse.
The bar for men in bed is so low that if you have showered and you’re at least someone interested in making a partner come you’re probably in the 70% bracket right there, lol.
‘i don’t go down on women’ is the most infuriating thing and i read about guys saying it all the time. as a woman, there’s something that just feels so HATEFUL about it…like all women are inherently gross.
you did amazing, glad you moved on. this is a great idea, to talk about sex like this before doing—will be trying this to weed out the assholes
You are in the right, I actually wish all women / sex partners in general did this, set boundaries and stick to them.
Well done you, keep it going. 🙂
It’s your right to get off the way you want, you don’t have to be with a selfish guy who doesn’t care about his partner’s needs
You both were honest with each other and did well.
As a guy that feels like women generally put up with too much of men’s crap, I think you did what was needed to honor yourself. Keep it up.
Kudos on setting your boundaries and making your expectations clear! I’m the same. I let girls know as early as possible that no BJs is a dealbreaker for me. There are too many other women that have no qualms about giving them to stay with one that doesn’t. I enjoy head more than sex and refuse to live a life without oral. Same praise goes to him too for letting you know that it’s something he doesn’t do so that you could make your choice. It’s much better to know from the start than to be disappointed later.
More women need to do this. Guys act like this because they get away with it. I’m sure there’s a percentage of men that have tried to go down on women and for whatever reason, it doesn’t agree with them. But largely it’s just selfishness and lack of effort.
I don’t like to talk “shit” before I have sex with a woman. I know I’m good and giving in bed, but find that so many guys talk a good one, that it just leaves women skeptical. I’ll definitely talk about the things I like to do and such but no chest beating. I also never ask for head, but after I go down on a woman and show that I am willing to give, they always return the favor.
Based on the current situation where most women aren’t being satisfied, I think it’s perfectly fine for a woman to hold back a little until they know that they are with a giving partner.
There’s nothing wrong with what you did and it shouldn’t even be considered controversial/surprising IMO.
If you wanted to go to a restaurant specifically because you’d heard they had your favorite dish on the menu, but then it turned out they’d not only taken it off the menu but actually thought it was a bad dish, you probably wouldn’t want to eat at that restaurant.
Agree 100%, it’s a deal breaker for me also… luckily most guys dont object.
You’re allowed to dump someone who won’t go down on you. They are allowed to refuse any sexual act they don’t want.
Some might call you petty but ultimately it’s you who has to live with the decision so you might as well be happy.
The biggest way women can take ownership of their orgasms is by having sex with men who meet their sexual needs.
If you like receiving oral and your partner refuses to go down on you reconsider why you are with them in the first place. Otherwise you get what you put up with.
He has the right to his preferences as you have the right to yours. Unfortunately for this dude he’s going to miss out because of his.
I was in a situation where I was giving head everytime to her but she couldn’t reciprocate. It caused resentment because my needs weren’t being met in bed. And it wasn’t esay to communicate that I needed it because of certain circumstances. You dodged a bullet and did the right thing. Best to be upfront about what your needs are in bed and if they’re not going to be met, don’t get attached. I learned that the hard way.
You did everything perfectly.
Sounds reasonable to me
Nope good for you
To each their own, everyone has a preference but kudos to you for putting down your foot. You know what you want and what you like so don’t compromise . Life is too short and too unpredictable to not enjoy sex the way you want to
At the risk of sounding repetitive, no. You are sticking to your boundaries.
You’re not right, you’re not wrong. That’s the whole point of dating; finding out if you’re compatible. If something is a deal-breaker, bedroom or not, then that’s that.
No. You know what you need.
Nope. I’ve done the same. You like what you like. No need to compromise.
This post inspired me to keep drawing my boundaries! Our bodies are OURS and we should be able to say no when it doesn’t feel right to us. Totally feel you.
Selfishness in bed is not only annoying but dehumanizing and disrespectful at a certain point.
Nobody is ever wrong for cancelling a date. If you don’t want to go somewhere or be with someone in any capacity that is fine. Normalize making yourself comfortable over putting others first.
This is so wild to me. Is this a new thing that younger dudes don’t go down on women?
When I was single I had a few fwb who only wanted to eat me out, get me off, and be on their way. I have never had sex with someone who doesn’t go down on me and love it. The only person I’ve heard say he won’t is DJ Khaled and I wouldn’t want his gross mouth near my vulva anyways.
You are not in the wrong. If you would have stayed we would see you here in 6 months asking if you should leave your boyfriend because he won’t go down on you.
Wanting a relationship where both partners receive oral sex frequently and enthusiastically is a fine boundary to have, kudos for being upfront about it. The two of you are not compatible and should seek other partners who desire compatible relationships.
> And then he drops the bomb that he doesn’t go down on women
You made the correct call. At least he was honest and up front about it.
May he find a woman who 1) enjoys giving blowjobs and 2) does not enjoy receiving oral sex herself, ever.
Good luck to him.
As for you, I hope you find a man who enjoys giving oral greatly, we exist!
Way to go! The way I see it, it’s a sausage fest, you have to wade through the crap to find the good ones. Stick to your guns and you’ll find a good one.