My husband and I haven’t had sex in the longest time for a while now it’s because he just wasn’t attracted to me but didn’t touch the subject. Tonight I found a lot of girls contacts on his phone and he keeps saying he doesn’t know why they are there. He kept saying that he didn’t do anything wrong but he lied a lot now, even little things. He keeps saying that he has a “clean” record and I shouldn’t doubt him. Unfortunately his fam is visiting us, so I tried to keep it under control until he started mocking me and making feel humiliated. I just took a step out the room because I already found the different contacts and now him humiliating me was just too much. I feel horrible because he tells me that it’s embarrassing, he says he doesn’t care and that he has zero idea why they are there. I don’t know what to do I feel horrible because I don’t believe him hence us having horrible sex life and he deployed once and lied to me a lot during deployment. Right now Im crying in the bathroom because this just feels like it is all my fault. He said I was embarrassing and that I picked that fight but really I found the contacts because i was looking for a phone number of his sister to call her and I saw all of the name
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Is it just women’s contacts or men’s too? If it’s just women’s then that’s a lie. Or if it’s both then maybe he downloaded a contact list from someone by accident? You should let him know you aren’t as gullible as he thinks you are and ask how he would feel if he noticed a bunch of men’s contacts in your phone.
Are they just contacts or are they communicating? Because I have a truckload of womens phone numbers in my phone for various reasons for work and I’ve never considered that to be something my that wife should be concerned about.
I think you guys should try counseling. That could also help with your sex lives. If both of you are open to it. If he just has lots of contacts from the past I don’t think that should be a problem. However I think it’s a problem how he mocked you and humiliated you. I don’t think that’s healthy. If you came to him in a nice way to ask about it he shouldn’t embarrass you.
Correct me at any point if I’m wrong 🙂 and I’m sending good vibes for you to find happiness.
So based off the limited information in this post, him mocking you wasn’t the root of your distress but more of a tipping point.
I don’t want to comment on the initial sentence, because I’m a little confused. Did he tell you at one point he wasn’t attracted to you? Is it something you inferred due to the lack of sex? Your sentence makes it sound like it’s a way you feel and not a conversation that happened or something you overheard.
What I am comfortable commenting on is the contacts. Him being sketchy about you being in his phone and commenting on it is a bit of a yellow flag for me. If I were him I would’v shown you my messages so you could see I wasn’t in contact with them. BUT, I don’t think you should jump to conclusions based on the contacts. I have a LOT of contacts that have just accumulated over time. Tracing back to even highschool classmates I had a group project with that I never really talked to/didn’t have any kind of relationship with. I never go through and clear them and I don’t know anyone who does.
In my opinion these feelings are the result of either two situations. 1- you’re feeling insecure, your husband hasn’t been building you up lately/complimenting you/making you feel desirable/etc. (which is a pretty poor thing to do because your partner should lessen insecurity not exacerbate it) and this insecurity is manifesting as anxiety. You are anxious he may be unfaithful because you do not feel desirable and he is not treating you as if you are.
Or 2- you’ve just got one of those gut feelings. Sure, there’s nothing in this post that directly means he is being unfaithful, but you have spent so much time with him that you know when something is off.
I obviously do not know anything beyond this brief post about your relationship. You know yourself and your relationship better than anyone else.
But you asked for advice so that’s my two cents.
I would recommend taking a breather and figuring out what is causing these feelings. And then have a conversation, not about the contacts, but about your sex life. Tell him you feel like he isn’t attracted to you, ask him what’s causing this, maybe pursue counseling like the other commenter suggested.
If you think it’s number 2, and that something is just off and you can feel it, remember if you go looking you’ll find something.
Good luck