Sometimes I (37F) wonder if I’m the common denominator or if they just weren’t for me. Something to note is they were all pretty fresh out of marriages and all of their moms have passed away (not sure if the mom thing is an important thing to note because either I’m attracting men whose moms have died or it’s just a coincidence but wanted to mention).
The first guy we actually dated like 20 years ago. Back then he came on too strong and this time he definitely did too. So much that it scared me off. He even recognized that he “attached too quickly”, to quote him. This was about 3 months.
Second guy, great chemistry, did NOT come on too strong. However, he was never sitting still. Now this might sound trivial but he wrecked his car because he would wake up at 3am for work, work a full day sometimes with overtime, go mountain bike riding, sometimes driving hours on a weekday to do this, and then play a show with his band until midnight then hang out with the guys after. Literally always having to change plans and/or invite me on a guys trip to make up for having to cancel. Lastly, he lived in a basement and as time went on it became clear he had no intentions on leaving anytime soon. This last about 7 months.
Last guy, we meet and hit it off but he’s just so overwhelming with the contact and affection/neediness. I attempted to establish boundaries and make my needs known but he did respect my wishes, it felt like. He referenced some past traumas as to why his attachment style was this way, meaning he agreed that it was an issue.
So anyways, can you all validate me that it’s not me, it’s them? 🤣 TIA!
8 comments
You’ve only dated three people, I wouldn’t get worried at this stage. These things can take time!
It’s split. You want to find the perfect thing but you don’t even once mention any of your flaws but you have no problem pointing out theirs (and not consider a way to work through). So now I would say it is more on you.
I think you just tend to find clingy men. What is it about the clingy men that attracted you to them? Was it dating apps, friends, meeting in public?
Honestly I’ve come to believe that what makes the difference is WANTING TO FIX THE PROBLEMS. Flaws and problems are in every relationship. From what you’ve said, it seems like either you or them didn’t want to make an effort to solve the issues that came up. It seems like in this day and age people are not particularly interested in accommodating their partner and making things work, so yeah, things end if that willingness is not there.
I think it’s you in that you’re either not filtering guys well or you’re sticking with them way too long. It doesn’t sound like any of these guys were bad or anything but they were definitely wrong for you. I somehow suspect you were seeing these red flags long before you actually pulled the plug though. I think that’s probably the issue here, not necessarily your selection in guys.
I think it might be you.
Not “you” like, there’s some fundamental flaw with you as a person, but how you’re acting, how you’re dating.
We all attract people who are emotionally unavailable. You’re keeping them around. Serious question: why are you doing that?
You mentioned they were all recently out of marriages and had recently experienced a significant death. Thinking back, were there signs that you missed early on that these relationships weren’t right for you? Did you have doubts at the time the relationships were defined?
I think people are being harsh on you in this thread! It’s not that easy to meet compatible people so if you haven’t in a year, that’s normal, I think.
I also am not interested in needy men. It’s not your responsibility to fix them. They can go to therapy on their own to ready themselves for the next dating prospect. It’s hardly your fault if they haven’t learned from past relationships and done that by now.
The guy who always has to be doing something, that’s unusual. Maybe he has some anxiety issues, or an addiction to uppers, or maybe that’s his natural energy and enthusiasm level – any way you look at it, that’s a lot to take in.
As far as why you haven’t met someone more your speed, I’m starting to wonder if it’s true that “all the good ones are taken”. Just gotta keep trucking. Maybe evaluate what you liked in the guys you did go out with, and what you didn’t like in the ones who showed interest that you chose not to date.
lol. Maybe try to aim for ppl who are on the same wavelength as you. You sound fine. But these dudes sounds broken and raw with open wounds…