So my girlfriend and I met in a work setting at which she’d been for a few years before me. Before we got serious it came to my attention that she’d slept with a fair few if the guys that worked there past and present (4/5) but since it wasn’t serious I didn’t care.
But since then we got serious and later more details have come up, like that she’s been in threesomes and foursomes with girlfriends if hers and their boyfriends/random guys. And also she’s still good friends with a guy she used to sleep with.
It’s not something that normally bothers me but then occasionally it comes to mind and I obsess over it, the fact that she has a body count at least 10 times mine just from what she’s told me. I don’t feel like she should be ashamed of her past and I’m very open to doing things like that with her, but something about it occasionally bothers me. Whenever I bring it up it turns into an argument about how it’s her last and she’s not ashamed when I have no intention of shaming her.
What can I do myself to help me get over it all?
TL;DR my girlfriend was VERY promiscuous before me and now it bothers me in a way I don’t understand.
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That’s easy. You just go back in time and prevent her from doing it.
Seeing as that’s A. not possible and B. not your fucking choice to make, you can do the following:
Actually love your girlfriend for who she is, not who you expect her to be. Her history is a part of who she is and will never change. It’s on you to find a way to accept that if she means anything to you. This is all about your own insecurities, and hey, that’s human, but you need to find a way to cope with them. You don’t get to push them off on her.
Also sex isn’t bad or dirty, she isn’t broken or “less valued.” I’m assuming you’re not a virgin yourself, so all of this is nonsense.
What you need to do is get over it.
When it really comes down to it- it’s your preference. A lot of reasonable guys don’t fancy a girl with a colorful past, if that’s not something you can cope with it’s okay to move on. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you your ignorant of whatever, but that is really what it comes down to.
>Whenever I bring it up it turns into an argument
Why would you bring it up then? If you’re just going to pick fights over something that can’t be changed, then maybe you’re in the wrong relationship. Honestly, it’s ok to feel “occasionally bothered” by something, and do nothing about it when you logically realize that there’s no issue to be fixed.
I think your best choices here are the following:
a) just break up and leave it as it is. You can’t change her past and if it’s eating you alive now, it won’t be better tomorrow.
b) approach this from a different angle. Talk to her on a calm day, when she’s not irritated, with her full attention towards you. Let her know exactly where you stand on this, why it’s bothering you. Let her know you’re not shaming her and explain her the roots of your problem. From what I understand, she thinks it’s a ‘you versus her’ type of problem when in reality it’s more of a ”you versus yourself’ where you can’t decide whether you’re okay with her past or not.
These posts always irritate me because the conflict is always over body count but not any of the other experiences she has had that you haven’t.
Think about it. Has she ever been to a place that you haven’t? For example, before we started dating, I had gone to both France and Mexico but my wife hadn’t. Or how about food? Had she tried unusual food dishes that you hadn’t before she introduced them to you? Or what about literally anything else she might have done that you haven’t. Do any of those things bother you or is it just the sex? And what about her? Has she mentioned having a problem with anything in your past?
In the end, you need to take a step back. You two form a relationship team. Each team member brings different experiences and knowledge to the team. Celebrate the differences instead of letting them bother you. Be hopeful that maybe she can help guide you in obtaining some of those experiences for yourself or, helping you understand why those experiences are not what you think they are. It’s okay for her to be a mentor in some areas just like you will be a mentor in others. Work together, not against each other.
Your girlfriend shouldn’t have to deal with your insecurities.
You get over it by recognizing your girlfriend is a human being with her own desires and her own autonomy. She liked to have sex casually when she was single. That’s not some moral failing, despite what you may hear.
You’re bothered by this because either 1) you feel insufficient because you believe she’ll leave you if you don’t sexually satisfy her 2) you feel jealous because she has cooler sexual experiences than you 3) you believe she isn’t as “pure” as you initially thought which is affecting your opinion of her.
You cannot change her past, man. Either go to therapy work out these insecurities or leave her, but either way, stop bugging her about this shit.
Shit is weird nowadays. This is way more common now and being surrounded by a bunch of people that have got it on with my girlfriend just doesn’t feel good. There’s a reason for that. Especially if you haven’t carried on the same way. It’s not a bad thing necessarily, but I wouldn’t like it at all.
You might not be cut out to date a wild girl.
It seems like you have a problem accepting her past because you have never experienced what she did and probably even wont experience it in the future. Sounds like you are jealous about it. On other hand I totally understand that it is weird that she is friend with people she had sex and you dont know what would happen if someone of them and your gf end up alone in one room. After all it is common that when someone cheat, they cheat with their ex, except it sounds like they never had any relationship other than sex so thats kinda different.
There are 2 options from you can chose :
1. Leave her because you cant forget her past and you are jealous that you will never experience what she did
2. Stay with her and forget about her past. Focus on the time being and the future instead
Stop thinking about it and talking about it. Newsflash you don’t have to think about and talk about everything.