My wife and I have been married for 23 years, and for the first 18 years we have had a great marriage. All aspects of our lives had been good. Of course we have had our disagreements over the years, however 5 years ago a lot has changed. My wife owns a retail store, she has owned it for 10+ years, she has leased the store from the same landlord for the entire time. The landlord is married with two young kids and seems to be happy at least that’s the front he puts up. 5 years ago my wife started talking with him more often and it has become more frequent and I did start suspecting there my be something going on between them. She and I have always agreed that if either of us feel that something is lacking in our marriage that we would discuss it and work through it, however, ver the past 5 years she has been closed of and it gets worst every year. My concerns of their relationship have been brought up many times and every time she has tried to turn the tables on me by telling me it’s all in my head, and arguing when ever the topic is brought up. So last Friday unfortunately he store was broken into and robbed. Saturday morning when we went to clean up the mess the landlord was there to assess the damage and apparently console her. While my son and I cleaning up the glass, he had to leave, so he gave her a hug and I overheard him say “I love you, take care” and he departed. We were all under a lot of stress from the break-in so I waited till we were home to confront the situation. She of course blew it off by insisting he never said that and I can tell you I was standing close enough that I heard it clearly. This argument went on for hours and I was made to look like a fool. I know this is not the best medium to post these things but because of my present situation I’m at a loss. Don’t know what to do. This sounds to me like two married people having an affair.
25 comments
Honestly you know what you heard, and you know something is going on. You aren’t happy and she does not seem to care. I would sit down and figure out what I want. Ideally it would be getting back the mutual love and respect and a partner who wants to put the work into our relationship. Then I would decide what I would want to do if my partner instead invalidates my feelings and refuses to work on the relationship and instead wants to leave things as they are…would I be ok with that? Then I would decide how I want to proceed.
In my case I would not be ok with that. I would sit down with my partner and express I am unhappy in the relationship and feel that they are pulling away and are disengaged. I would express my feelings are valid and want to work on our relationship….I want couples counseling. Im willing to figure out together what we need to do to get on the right track. Im willing to make changes but need a partner who is also willing. And ask what they want? If they want to change nothing I would make sure they understand that the status quo is not ok for me. I’m not happy in the relationship and have not been for 5 years and staying unhappy is not an option for me. If they don’t want to improve the relationship then I’m going to have to improve my own situation without them.
I don’t care how long we’ve been married. If my partner checks out and refuses to work on themselves or work for us….I will go my own way. I can’t fix a marriage on my own and refuse to spend the rest of my life with someone who invalidates me and makes a conscious choice to hurt me.
She’s absolutely gaslighting you. Stay away from such people because they’ll do everything to turn tables on you and to make you look like a fool and insane! And in the end they’ll always act like a victim and you’re the villain.
A landlord saying “I love you” does seem quite odd, even given the circumstances.
Sketchy to me as well imo.
Unsolicited advice, tread carefully, actions and argument that may go to far too fast when there may be a lack of information. That could be damaging to the marriage as a whole. Try to gather info from her side, even as crazy as it may be.
My number one role is NEVER touch any one at work. Hugs are a bit personal.
You know what you heard and you know what’s going on. How long are you going to live like this? Five years are gone already. You don’t need a smoking gun. Just go to a lawyer and file. She’s with him already.
Maybe they are good friends? Do you have any other signs of cheating?
Sounds like you need evidence. Hire a PI to investigate. Also, start getting your stuff together. Visit a lawyer.
Brother, try posting your story over in r/Divorce_Men, because your marriage is over.
I would expect my spouse would react strongly negative to someone, who is supposed to be an acquaintance, saying “I love you”. Maybe there could be an explanation but her denial that it happened would be the deal breaker. Something is clearly going on and she is lying a lot.
You are roommates at this point. Her intimate conversations are with someone else and have been for sometime. And she clearly doesn’t care one bit about your feelings or concerns. She’s made her choice. What is there to contemplate? And I’d tell the landlord’s spouse that you are heading for a divorce over her husband’s and your wife’s relationship.
Sorry man….you heard what you heard. She is gaslighting and will never admit to the affair, and she knows you don’t have any hard proof. 5 years is a long time to be in unhappy marriage.
Brother all the signs are there:
*Treating you bad and disrespecting you at home
*dismissing your feelings
*hugging a dude in front of you
*telling another man she loves him
Excuse my language, but ain’t no fucking way I’m letting him walk out of there without confronting him and asking him what he said and consoling her. You know what you’ve heard and there’s not letting that shit slide! Furthermore, she’s trying to spin this shit around and gaslight you, knowing the situation at hand can and will break up your family.
Be logical here and thinking clearly: the signs are there (as explained above). You know what you need to do my friend!
If he feels comfortable doing that in front of you and your son, I want to see him do the EXACT same thing in front of his wife and children and see how they feel!
Hire a PI. Arrange to be out of town for 1 night. If they are having an affair they’ll be together.
Always trust your gut feelings
I would find it very odd if a commercial landlord declared their love for tenants.
Pretty ballsy dude to hit your wife up like that right in front of you
Emotional affair at a minimum, probably a full blown affair. Get a PI to investigate.
Is it possible you heard “love you” and not “I love you”? Because “take care” doesn’t usually follow an “I love you.”
Both my husband and I have platonic, opposite sex friends we’ve said “love you” to. I’ve also said it to acquaintances if they’ve offered help/consolation after a harrowing event, usually accompanied by profuse gratitude.
I do think even if she’s having an affair based off the amount of comments on NSFW posts of different women you should probably just end the relationship. None of you seem happy.
TRUST YOUR GUT! You know the truth time to start getting sneaky! You know the truth in what he said to her and she denied it?
So she is trying to make you out to be hearing and making things up? Have a look at the mobile phone records and her texts? Can you see her texts and emails?
VARs and micro cameras? Get a PI to get to the bottom of it. It will give you peace of mind or blow yours and there worlds up but you deserve honesty because for 5yrs she gas given you doubt?
If she’s lying about something that you heard with your own ears then she has something significant to hide. Trust your instincts and your ears. It’s time to consult an attorney and prepare an, if necessary, exit strategy. The odds are extremely high that they have a serious intimate relationship.
Are you going to go into detective mode to see what’s up? Have you looked at her phone?
You can track her location by getting a burner phone and putting it in her car, set up a Google account and sign in, turn the location on and watch from home in real time where she goes.
Place voice activated recorders where she spends time in the house as well as her car to capture her end of phone conversations.
You can also hire a PI to investigate her and see where she goes.
She cheating for years now honey!
If they are platonic friends who are close enough to say “I love you”, then I would expect him to be close friends with your entire family. There’s no reason why she should keep a platonic friendship secret.
How old are your kids? Are they young enough that there might be a question about paternity? Is she financially independent?
Given that this is going on for a while now. It’s likely one of 2 things:
– She’s staying with you because of kids/finances.
– she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have both of you.
Either way, you need to think about what you want to do if she is cheating on you. Do you just want to know? Or are you going to do something? Like if she’s with you just for the kids, are you fine with staying with her till kids fly away?
Consider this a break through. You have struggled with this situation for years and now you are certain she isn’t being honest with you. You need to get in to her phone. Voice activated recorders and/or mini cameras. Hire a PI. Plenty of technological options these days. Whatever next steps you need to put the puzzle together. Just remember that she knows you now suspect. She will take it further underground. Though with AP feeling comfortable enough to say that with you around, they will eventually slip up. Switch up your routine. Catch her with her guard down. Remember, routine is like a golden walkway for infidelity.
Lots of people who are friends say “I love you” to each other, especially during a stressful event. The fact that your wife denied it AND the time she spends with him is more concerning.