We met on an app that was for dating and making friends. I (F18) clarified in my bio that I preferred making friends and seeing where it goes. We became great friends and it was a couple months ago that he told me he had developed romantic feelings for me. I just couldn’t find myself interested. He (M18) seemed to take the rejection well, but I’ve realized how clingy he’s become towards me. How I’m on his mind….a lot. His life is a really difficult one, as he struggles with multiple disorders (OCD, ADHD, Depression, and he thinks BPD too) as well as an abusive home and a very troubled past school life. He had issues a kid, and he’s trying to be a better person now. I think he’s improved, but there’s still some things about his behavior towards me that creeps me out.
He basically spends all of his time inside, on his discord server. When I’m away for a day or even several hours, I can tell through his messages in the server that he’s getting antsy that I’m away. He mentions me all the time and it’s just creepy. He is just very clingy and doesn’t really do much with his time except talk to people on discord.
He’s never gotten mad at me, so that’s good. If he were to get aggressive, I’d leave right away.
I just…feel like he’s kind of obsessed with me. It isn’t healthy and I don’t think always responding to him is healthy for him or me. Now I’ve already explained my boundaries to him. I’ve even gotten mad and almost ditched him because he would continue to push my boundaries. I then felt bad for him because he doesn’t have anybody else in his life and he’d plead to give him another chance. He says he’s getting better with that. But it doesn’t seem like it is.
I’m tired of feeling drained and kinda scared for my safety everytime he starts to freak out when I haven’t texted for a day or two. I don’t want to always be on the for front of his mind…it pushes me away and makes me feel very uncomfortable. And so does his constant mentions of me in his public server. He has other Internet friends. Why does he bring me up so often?
He seems like a sweet guy who means well and was just raised in a horrible situation, never grew up with healthy examples. Someone who just needs professional support.
I wish he’d just go to a therapist though. I’m tired of being his safety net. I’m tired of being the “gentle supporting female” in his life. I’m tired of being there when he suddenly gets frustrated and intensely angry about depressing stuff. I get uncomfortable. I want to leave. Ik part of it is my fault because I’m always offering support to everyone. When someone is venting, I always offer my support and advise. I’ve always found it hard to say “no” and put my needs first. So I suppose that’s subconsciously inviting everyone to spill their shit onto me. Idk how to stop.
I honestly want to leave the friendship, as he just doesn’t understand how to be a healthy friend. I’m afraid he’ll do something horrible to himself if I leave though. I feel trapped.
tl;dr
My troubled friend exhibits obsessive behavior towards me on Discord and it makes me uncomfortable. I just wanted to vent and hopefully gain some support and/or advice.
5 comments
Don’t stay friends with someone out of fear of retaliation. That’s the biggest indicator that the relationship is unhealthy and not for you.
Don’t stay in touch with a guy who’s interested in you, has made it clear, and you don’t think you will ever get together with.
It will just give him some ideas, and as time passes he will think that you may have changed your mind.
Not only will it be annoying for you (as it already seems to be), he will also tunnel vision on you and miss an opportunity with someone else that might have accepted him.
Very few guys in my opinion are able to go through with a friendship after being rejected; and they’re as far as it gets from a majority.
It sounds like you really stepped in it.
It’s on the bottom of your shoe, and you’re trying to scrape it off.
**The bottom line:** you can’t take responsibility for him. You can’t let him hold yourself hostage, in that he might do something bad to himself if you don’t somehow assuage him.
You might bail him out today, but what about tomorrow? Next week? Next month?
You just might have to tell him:
“Look: I’m all for being your friend, and helping you out, but you’ve got way more issues than I can handle. I’m drowning in all your drama.
You need more than I can comfortably give. You might benefit from some professional help as well.
But on a day-to-day basis… no. You’re in danger of drowning, and I don’t want to risk being pulled down with you.
When you’re safely out of the water, we might talk again.
Until then, I’m swimming away.”
Something along those lines.
You aren’t responsible for him or his choices. He is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so as long as you enable him. Save all your written communication and messages so you can turn them over to the police. Be clear when you cut contact that he makes you feel unsafe and only communicate through writing.
You shouldn’t be setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. You are only hurting him in the long run by letting him put off getting real or professional help.
I can almost guarantee that you are not the first “gentle supporting female” in his life, and won’t be the last. He needs professional help, or he will continue to burn out every friend he has. Just remember that he is not your child, and you are not responsible for him. Set whatever healthy boundaries you need for YOUR mental health and wellness.