We have known each other since highschool. Dating almost 3 years. Engaged about 2 months. As the title says and my GF says this only after months without sex admitted all the excuses were lies and only after we’ve had numerous fights for weeks. I had caught her in so many lies I didn’t know what was going on. I even caught her in an emotional affair that she says she already ended though she still talks with him as he is her best friend right now. She says she doesn’t know if the “asexual feelings” are permanent or not. Now we talked about this and she explained it as just a lack of sexual desire which meant she just doesn’t want sex. Which I’m fine with actually but now it’s become something else entirely. I don’t feel any love from her at all. The very few hugs and kisses that she initiates feels so empty. I don’t know what to do. I feel unwanted undesirable and most of all unloved. Any advice is appreciated honestly
TLDR: Fiancée is now asexual but can’t show any love to me at all which makes me feel real bad. What do I do?
46 comments
You should break up
Run away!
Don’t marry into a dead bedroom.
She is lieing. She is bored of you and sex with you. She might still want to be with you for security.
She will then have sex with others.
Just leave.
Mate, she is gaslighting you. She is throwing excuses at you because she got caught in an affair.
This”he is her best friend right ” is an immediate red flag. If they haven’t physically hooked up yet, it is on the horizon. She doesn’t want sex, with you.
What you should do is wish her the best and immediately block and ghost and go find someone that actually cares for you. She isn’t it. Not by a long shot.
Asexuality doesn’t exist in humans. Anyone who says otherwise is either a liar, or lacking in a personal identity. Get out.
Firstly, so sorry to hear about all this. I hope you’re alright! So, as a asexual myself, asexuality is a spectrum. Some absolutely hate it, and have no sexual feelings at all. Some people can have very very little sexual feelings. Some do it for the intimate closeness etc. but it looks like its not about her asexuality thats the problem. It seems she doesn’t like you at all. Which is okay. Relationships are complex and some people just aren’t compatible! I would say be honest about your feelings of being unloved. You can still love someone without feeling sexually attracted to them yk? I hope things go alright with ya mate
She is likely not asexual in this particular case. She just doesnt want to have sex with you.
Its a harsh situation and you have my sympathy, but with all due respect, pull your head out of your arse. She is stringing you along until you give up or she finds someone preferable. This isnt the best you can hope for. Being alone and having self respect is preferable to this trash. If you cannot be alone, seek immediate therapy.
Let me say now, this will not get better. It may very well get worse when on discovery her next claim is temporary sex mania with someone else.
It sounds like you are concentrating on the wrong things. Here’s what you should be concerned about.
1. She had/has an emotional affair. If she’s still talking with him every day and he’s her “best friend” her EA is still going on.
2. Her lies. While you don’t know if she is telling you the truth about being asexual, she’s been lying for months.
For a minute take everything at face value. She’s asexual, you going to be fine with little or no sex your entire marriage and when you have sex with her, knowing she isn’t going to enjoy it completely? Now add in the fact that evidently she has no problem lying and hiding things from you. To top everything off you’re always going to have to worry about her and other men.
If you still aren’t totally convinced, try this. Tell her the engagement is off (this is something you should do anyway) and you will not consider marrying her unless she cuts ties completely with her EA relationship. Just the fact it will be a struggle to answer should tell you all you need to know.
Definitely need to get a therapist for both of you. Maybe even couples therapy could help. Tell her you need to talk and sit down together and tell her exactly what you are feeling and why it feels that way. If she gets defensive then you know she is hiding something else.
Sounds like she got caught cheating and wants to fuck this other guy and not you
She’s not asexual. She’s asexual FOR YOU. Leave. You’re too young for this. Work some overtime to pay for a therapist and get some self esteem and respect.
I don’t even know you, and I know you’re worth more than this. I’m also a woman telling you to leave her. I’d fully expect my husband to divorce me if I stopped having some kind of sex for a non-urgent reason, and suddenly “became asexual”. I’d leave him if the reverse happened.
Leave her and love yourself
why are you still with her? it’s obvious this relationship is not working out..
Get out. Get out now. If you’ve put deposits down for the wedding, take the loss and cancel. If you haven’t, time to start looking for a new place to live. You literally said she’s lied so much you don’t know what is going on. She admitted to an emotional affair with a person she is still close to. You don’t feel any warmth from her. This situation is only to get worse once you are legally bound to her.
She never ended the emotional affair. She’s still talking to the guy. Ending an emotional affair means blocking the other person entirely, even if they’ve been best friends since preschool. She doesn’t desire you and she doesn’t respect you. If this were possible to salvage, she’d have this guy blocked and be making a genuine effort to reconcile.
Respect yourself and walk away. It will hurt now, but you said it yourself. She doesn’t want you, she doesn’t desire you, and she doesn’t love you. You deserve a chance at finding someone who does and the only way you can do that is to get your (ex) GF out of your life.
You’re focused on the wrong issue – *I had caught her in so many lies* – this is the real issue. Sex is not going fix this.
does it really matter? Yes you want closure or just want the reason to hate her or know that you were right.
the point is if you can live with it? or keep chasing the tail of not knowing the truth of disproving something that didn’t happen.
Proving someone isn’t cheating is hard means you are trying to find proof of something that didn’t happen. do you want that for yourself?
you have already caught her in lies and an emotional affair. why do you need to know if she is actually asexual.
the trust in your relationship is gone that is the question you are asking when in comments you want to know if there is a way to prove she is asexual.
if you can’t trust her let her go.
edit: typos
Seems like a cop out. Don’t marry her.
I mean, asexuality aside, she did indeed cheat and is a liar. She may be asexual, yes, but she may be asexual for you only. It’s hard to say if someone’s truly asexual or if it’s just a lie, which you admitted she is prone to.
And I’m not trying to say asexuality doesn’t exist or sth like that. I myself am asexual and I realised that while being in a relationship.
OP, this reads less as asexual and more like you’re not the person she wants to have sex with. I’m sorry. Call off the engagement.
Marriage is off the table. It exacerbates problems like this because it ends up being an added layer of pressure.
At the very least you should take a large step back and work on your shit.
The lies, though. How do you put up with it?
Tell me you ain’t believing this BS…
You know exactly what needs to happen. You’re just seeking confirmation about your decision.
You are right. Break up.
Good luck.
Taking her position at face value, if she is in fact asexual, then she was cheating on you in the domain where she has actual desire: that of romance. She doesn’t have sexual desire at all, and where she does have desire (i.e., romantically), it’s for someone else. Not you.
I’d say you two are done.
“I don’t know what to do”
Ummmm break up with you. Emotional affairs are a lot worse that physical cheating. That’s why she isn’t sexually interested anymore. She has intense feelings for someone else and instead of cutting that person out they are now best friends…..yeahhhhhhh no just end it and save yourself the heartache.
Break up
Break up with her. Find someone who doesn’t cheat, lie, and withhold intimacy. It won’t be hard to top this.
This is not a sustainable relationship.
Your needs aren’t being met. Dump her. You two aren’t compatible. It sucks starting all over, but is this really someone you want to be married to?
Theres only one thing to do and thats to realise you did nothing wrong and you guys arent ready to be engaged. Call off the engagement, test the waters and end it completely if she doesnt reciprocate your feelings / keeps on manipulating and lying. Personally, I would have broken up with her right away the moment she was caught lying and cheating. You dont need another reason, just end it quietly now if you can. Itll spare you the drama and unnecessary heartache as she spins up another web of lies
Just be grateful you caught her cheating and lying before marriage. Seriously this would be 100x worse if you were married. Dodge the bullet and go no contact with her, what a terrible person.
Anything other than breaking up and going no contact is bad advice, this is the only way.
Don’t marry her call of the engagement, she has been lying to you my guy, can you trust everything she says knowing she could very possibly being lying to you in your face.
First, how about the two of you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski. It will help both of you understand her sexual response better.
The big issue is that asexuality is a huge spectrum. Asexuals may or may not like sex. What they have in common is that their attraction to a person is not sexually based.
They may be sex repulsed. So sex is definitely a no.
They may enjoy sex but arousal comes from the primary way they are attracted to you. The emotional connection (demisexual). Or intellect (sapiosexual.). In these cases the desire is there. It’s just not driven by sexual attraction.
So read Nagowski’s book together. It will help your fiancée feel more ok with herself. And it will help you understand the way you are desired by her.
I’ll just say that this book changed my life.
Also look up asexual resources online. It’s a really big umbrella term so learn more about the spectrum.
Not marry her would be a start. She has cheated once that you know of and is now claiming this person is their best friend? No, she is disrespecting you and this is only going to get worse. So leave her and move on before she hurts you more.
I don’t see an alternative to ending it – unless you’re both prepared to get therapy. Two big issues for me – she’s a cheater and won’t break contact with her affair partner (would be an instant and for me) and is suddenly asexual – sounds like a fundamental incompatibility.
Unfortunately that can be the shitty part about being highschool sweethearts. You havent found yourself yet Abd sometimes when we do find ourselves, we are too different than who our SO wants us to be.
It was shitty for her to lie to you for so long. Try to be happy you found out now. Call off the wedding, its not too late, and go your separate ways
Your fiance is having an emotional affair.
Hi OP. I am so sorry. Reconciliation is all about being honest and open.
I’m going to share some basic R rules here:
Reconciliation is a process with no time table. You will have good days and bad days. It’s really important to be honest and to tell each other the truth. You both have to be committed 100% to R for it to work.
She needs to go no contact with AP completely
She blocks and deletes his number. NC means NC.
****If he was a coworker, she needs to find a new job. She cannot stay friends with AP. The relationship is over and the bond must be broken.**** Sorry but cheating has consequences.
Right now you are emotional and feeling vunerable. The person you love just broke your heart. Any trust and faith in her is gone. She needs to earn it back. She caused the damage to your relationship and it’s her job to repair your relationship.
Start with implementing an open phone policy where you can check her messages and texts at any time. No questions asked. This also includes any other social media accounts that allow communication. You need to be proactive and check messages and texts often and at random times. This step does a few things. It makes her accountable for her actions and helps you reduce your stress and anxiety over whether or not she is talking to AP. If you think she could be deleting messages, you can look for phone apps to install on her phone.
You might want to install a location sharing app on her phone. That way you know exactly where your fiance at all times. This is important for some partners, especially when their fiance is constantly lying about their location. Couples often do this for safety purposes.
Individual counseling and marriage counseling is absolutely essential for you and your spouse. Make counseling a mandatory boundary.
Marriage counseling helps to teach effective communication skills and gauges where the couple is as far as potential issues. Your therapist will help you reconnect emotionally and physically. You need to restore your marital bond.
Individual counseling allows the WS the opportunity to explore why she behaved the way she did, what steps to take in order to be a better partner and how to reassure their partner during this difficult time.
For the BS, it allows the opportunity to process all the crazy emotions that come up, how to constructively deal with them, how to look at the big picture and how to heal from heartbreak.
Reading self help books is always recommended as knowledge is power. If your spouse started by having an emotional affair, a great book to read is “Not just friends” by Shirley Glass and “How to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda Macdonald.
I personally believe it’s important to have the WS see their doctor to make sure there isn’t an undiagnosed mental health illness that may require medication. Check for depression, anxiety etc. You may want to see your doctor as well to check for depression and anxiety.
Make sure you get tested for STIs.
Some waywards discover they have addiction issues and need a specialist who deals with those issues. There are many people with sex addictions for example, and it’s important to have professional help dealing with them. Some people have childhood trauma and need a PTSD therapist who specializes in EMDR therapy.
I don’t know your story, but your fiance made poor decisions that affected the entire family. She needs to take responsibility for that. Your fiance should apologize to the other betrayed spouse if there is one.
As far disclosing the truth, trickle truthing is dangerous because if the WS tells the BS a part of the truth here and a part of the truth there, the BS keeps getting hit with what I call “infidelity bombs”. The BS can’t get a sense of stability. They are constantly getting shell shocked and it stalls any progress and keeps the bp emotionally off balance. She needs to disclose everything. Ask her for an affair timeline.
It’s important for your fiance to take full responsibility for her actions. Cheating is a choice not a mistake. She knew what she was doing. It’s also important she makes better decisions and not put herself in an undesirable position. Her decision making skills need work as does her respect for her relationship. Ask her why you should trust and forgive her? See what she says.
You may want to write an impact statement to your fiance and read it outloud to her. It helps you express your feelings about her betrayal. Have her write a statement back to you regarding her behavior and how her choices affected you. You can write one for the AP and either give it to him or read it outloud and burn it.
You both need to discuss boundaries in a clear and concise manner and the consequences that will follow if those boundaries are crossed.
Have a talk regarding expectations both for your future and how you expect her to handle specific situations such as if she is feeling lonely, unloved, etc. Explain that forgiveness is a gift not an expectation. She needs to treat it like the most valuable gift she has been given.
Write everything down (expectations, boundaries, goals, proactive procedures) and have each of you keep a copy.
Some spouses require a pre/post nup stating if either spouse cheats, the betrayed spouse gets somewhere between 75 to 100% of the marital assets. You may want to consider this.
Reconciliation won’t restore what you did have but will give you a new starting point to improve your marriage and family life. It can be a great reset button. Make sure you find therapists you connect with.
I will dm you some reconciliation articles. From what I read, it’s better to not rely on AP for details as the AP will be lying as well.
As far as connection, I suggest you and your fiance go on date nights, take walks holding hands, dance to romantic songs (make a playlist or have her make a playlist), give long hugs and longer kisses. Have family game nights, movie nights, picnics, hikes, etc. Bring you and your family back to her priority list as #1.
Write each other love notes and get into the practice of telling each other something you love and cherish about the other person. Practice gratitude.
I hope this helps.
Good luck, live well.
Keep us posted.
She wants to break up but she doesn’t want to do it herself. So save her the trouble and just break up with her. Can you imagine dealing with this every day for the rest of your life? 🤷♂️
She’s not asexual. She wants sex, just not from you OP.
Check her behavior, check her timeliness.
Get your ring back and tell her live with her “BEST FRIEND”
Nah, this relationship was over a long time ago.
The amount of people who claim to be asexual on this place is amazing. If your girl tell you she’s asexual chances are she is lying. Asexuality is extremely rare and if a girl tells me she is, I’m not even gonna take time to try and understand her, I’m out. Whether or no she is really asexual, the fact remains she doesn’t want to have sex with me…so what am I doing sticking around?
My girlfriend is on the ace spectrum and doesn’t act like this at all. They are very loving even if not sexually.
That type of behavior is more then just asexual behavior. Just saying
It’s not always easy to find your sexuality and it can seem, to others, to be invalid as you experiment and ruminate and make declarations.
If she’s acespec and you’re not comfortable with that and all of the concessions it can take, don’t marry.
Be grateful she’s been open with this information. Clearly she respects you and doesn’t want you to be deceived and trapped. Engagement isn’t marriage; this is the time to make sure you want to marry, and if you don’t want to marry, don’t marry.
Some explanation required here OP. What your fiancée actually means is that she’s asexual as far as YOU are concerned. Case closed. Move on. Good luck.
Her emotional affair never stopped if she is still in contact with him. Period.
That should be enough for you to realize that she can’t be trusted. Don’t believe a word she says.
She’s probably not asexual at all. Either it’s an excuse to justify her lack of desire for you, or it’s just the consequence of her ongoing EA. Very often when people have an EA it takes all their emotional energy and desire away from their spouse and they stop wanting to have any intimacy with them.
Your lack of spine is also causing her to despise you and further lose respect for you, which is making you even more unattractive for her.
Your only chance is to stop being weak, stop letting her walk all over you, stop compromising with your self respect. Cancel the engagement. Take some time away from her, take care of yourself. Make her understand you don’t need her and you’re seriously thinking about ending this dysfunctional and abusive relationship (she’s still cheating). Seeing the consequences of her choices might wake her up and grow back some respect for you, along with her feelings.
I feel awful for OP, purely because he must be thinking about all those years they’ve had and wondering what happened to get to this point.
She’s not the one, it might take a bit longer to realise even if everyone in the comments tell you want to do. When you’re more unhappy than you are happy you need to leave, that’s it