My boyfriend (26m) and I (23f) have been dating almost 4 years. We’ve had a rocky relationship. And I can’t even pinpoint where I just started feeling nothingness. The first half of our relationship felt like it was all me and barely any effort from him despite his love bombing and affection. I voiced myself so many times. Gave so many chances.
Finally during the second half of our relationship (or maybe the last 25%) he put in a lot more effort in terms of planning dates and paying for stuff. I expressed how I appreciated it all. Except now I feel like the bad guy. Because I’m not happy. Maybe it’s resentment about how or why he didn’t try for me and us in the beginning. Maybe I’m just tired of it. Maybe I’ve fell out of love.
We only get to see each other once a week. And sometimes I don’t even feel like going out to meet with him. Or when we’re out together, after a few hours I get those drained feelings where I feel like I’d rather be home. I keep my energy up and try to distract those thoughts. But most of our dates feel meh. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, and that’s my fault.
After a couple of months of thinking, and hoping for these thoughts to go away, I think I’d rather be single. But I feel like such a bad person. I know I’m worse because I’m elongating the relationship while feeling this way. But I love him as a person and I know 100% this is going to crush him. How do I approach this? We live in different boroughs so do I go to his house and speak with him outside? No idea….
TLDR I think I want to break up with my boyfriend but I’m not sure how and need advice. He put no effort in at the beginning but now he is and I just feel nothing.
5 comments
Resentment or loss of interest.
“Hey, bf, I have decided this isn’t working for me anymore. I wish you the best, but now it’s time to go out separate ways.” There, you are now broken up. All that’s left is the formalities, which you should have already taken care of on your side, i.e., finding a place to live if renting, figuring out asset split if not, telling your friends and mutuals how _you_ are going to handle the break-up, etc.
To be honest, by the way you describe your relationship and the fact that you’re even asking this question, it seems to me that this relationship died a good long while ago but you were too apathetic or insecure to do what you already knew you had to do. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. If this relationship doesn’t bring you happiness, get out of it.
No excuses or permission required.
Wanting to leave is a reason to leave. You’ve given this relationship a lot of time and a reasonable try, you’re young and not financially committed to him, no kids – it is fine to leave. It is sad but it happens.
I think you should do it in person unless you have safety concerns, at his place so you can leave. Keep it simple and don’t place blame. I wish you both a happier future.
Breaking up is a favor to him if you don’t feel happy with him, even if it hurts at first.
I wonder whether you aren’t interested anymore because you have his attention now, so you don’t have to work as hard to earn it? Not trying to insult you, but it’s worth exploring for your own information.
The best time to end it is now. Don’t drag it out for both your sakes. I have felt like this before and it almost never gets better.