He put in the work and got better, but I still want out

We’ve been together 10 years. The first 7 years were horrid and abusive. We worked on ourselves- him especially, and now the relationship is platonic, predictable (as opposed to volatile), and the focus has turned from our couples’ drama to raising our kids (9 and 10). All good, right? I should be grateful. I tell myself that I made it through the worst of it. I’m one of the few women who actually get the change they’re so desperate for. Granted, I don’t test the boundaries much, and am best off playing by the rules. I have friendships largely in secret.

But I still feel a sinking loneliness and desire for love and freedom. I was an extra clueless 19 y.o and him 30 and feel that I was manipulated into the whole thing from the beginning. Now 30 myself, I’m not clueless, I grew up and surpassed many around me in both career and general awareness. I’ll even admit that much of that career success was facilitated by him managing the home front. But I’m hungry for freedom and healthy connections. For the first time, I’m hungry for love. Not physical lust but passionate emotional intimacy.

Perhaps it was a defensive mechanism- first against my parents’ chaotic relationship then my own, but I always thought romance was a joke and a facade. I no longer feel this way.

Now that I’m responsible for life, I don’t think I get to prioritize myself like that now. I would think leaving would feel justified if he still treated me like he did 4 years ago. But now that he’s calmer and caring?

I guess I just feel blue.