It was my (23F) first time doing anal. My boyfriend (25M) and i talked about it a lot before hand, we did a lot of prep for it, we used a lot of lube and everything
It still hurt quite a bit. The issue is that when i complained about the pain he didn’t stop or pull out. He would hold still for a moment but would keep pushing. He kept saying that i had to relax and it would get better even as it was very sore at the start and i told him that.
It was a bit of a shock that he didn’t stop completely but he was gentle about it and after a while it felt like he was right and it did feel easier and better.
I don’t know really what to think about it. I never told him no or directly asked him to stop, but i guess i thought when he saw me struggling with it he would stop. But then it did feel good at the end so I don’t know.
Am i being too sensitive and overthinking it?
26 comments
I’m not following your story. You said that you told him it hurt but he didn’t stop. You said he proceeded gently. Did you ask him to stop? You said that you didn’t.
Saying that something is painful doesn’t necessarily mean stop for some people.
For me personally, I would’ve straight up asked, “do you want me to stop?”
Pain isn’t always a bad thing sexually; some people like it. I would talk with him about any future moments such as this, if you are wanting him to stop when something is painful for you, even though he may be gentle, you would like him to stop.
I’m on the larger side size wise and sex being painful for women is something I’ve had to live with, but it is quite clear with the women I am with that I should continue because we’ve clearly articulated this.
I’m gonna say, even if you didn’t explicitly say no, I still think expressing discomfort and pain is more than enough reason for a partner to stop and do a complete check in to make sure you want to keep going. And that’s especially for something so vulnerable as anal, and especially for your first time trying it.
I think what he did is concerning. And if I were in your position I would at least have the conversation and set a boundary that when you express pain or discomfort you expect him to check in and ask if you want to continue. You might need a second or two to check in with yourself to make that decision, but him stopping and asking gives you a chance to do that.
I can’t help but feel like he was prioritizing his pleasure over your comfort in that moment. Hopefully if you have a conversation about that, he’ll course correct on his own.
You clearly didn’t prepare for anal correctly. You didn’t discuss the communication side of anal. You could have just agreed on using the traffic light system.
What for you was a signal to stop, for him it was a yellow light.
Anal generally comes with pain the first few times, so just because you said “it hurts” doesn’t mean stop necessarily, considering that he seems to be experienced he would understand how its gonna be uncomfortable for a bit. “It hurts” is not a no or stop, its letting him know how you feel in the moment. These are different things with no prior elaboration.
While yes he could have asked if you wanted to stop, when he said “itll get easier if we keep going” you still had the chance to ask for a break and say “no, let’s try again in a bit”.
While you physically prepped for it, and the consent for trying, you missed the crucial part of talking about the intricacies. Anything that is inherently painful you need some form of safe word or communication put in place before hand.
At the end of the day though, just because he was gentle or nice and kind about it, doesnt undermine if you feel uncomfortable with what happened. No one can tell you if you feel violated or like something was wrong.
If you have an issue with it, you need to tell him about it. It seems like a simple misunderstanding and miscommunication, not a malicious or toxic situation. Talking it through properly and explaining what you meant and how you wanted it go, and setting the communication for next time (if you still wanna do it again), might alleviate how you feel about the whole thing.
Your communication wasn’t clear.if you wanted him to get out then you should say get out.stop means discontinue the movement, which you said he did. I think it was an honest misunderstanding but it definitely needs to be cleared up for future
it seems i’m going against a lot of the other comments – IMHO unless you previously said something along the lines of “pain turns me on” or “even if it hurts i want you to continue”, he should have stopped, or at least paused to ask if you wanted to continue.
sure, technically or legally it might not be non-consensual because you didn’t explicitly say stop – but ambiguity or anything less than an enthusiastic yes should be considered a “no”.
echoing the other comments, talk to him. explain how you feel, and give him a chance to explain his thought process in the moment. establishing a traffic light system would help in the future — but only after we can ascertain (using his explanation) that he isn’t callous of your feelings/safety.
just my two cents!
So the first time my buddy tried anal with his girl, they were very young too. They had a similar experience. When I asked him why he didn’t stop when she said it hurt (she also didn’t ask him to stop nor say no), he said because he thought that it would get better for her as her muscles relaxed, and that it would be less painful if he kept going gently than if he pulled out and tried again. So it could simply be ignorance as to why he didn’t stop. We’re often told that if anal is painful it’s because we’re doing something wrong. Instead of giving up, he may have just been trying to take it slower hoping things would stop hurting. I’m not making excuses, but there’s a chance that he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you. The fact that you didn’t ask him to stop may have led him to believe that you wanted to keep seeing if it would stop hurting too.
No, you’re not overthinking it. I would assume that the reaction to someone saying “it hurts” should be at the very least to ask “do you want me to stop?”. I’m not saying he is guilty of SA or anything like that, but at the very least you should communicate that his reaction didn’t make you comfortable at that moment and the next time you both need better communication beforehand and during.
Also, to those saying that anal comes with pain the first times… no, not necessarily. Please, stop this narrative like yesterday.
Anal can hurt and it does take a bit to get used to it. I would say that generally, in my experience it feels great after he is in and gets going. Pausing to let me adjust helps make it easier.
He may not have stopped if you didn’t specifically tell him too, he was giving you the time to adjust. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to push you further than you wanted to go though.
I would say this is an opportunity for discussion. Mayne adopt a red yellow green call out. Red is a hard stop, yellow is a hold on let’s discuss, green is good. At the very least, talk to him about it, where you are with it.
I think you need a traffic signals ( red, yellow and green) these help with communication i the moment it also makes guys know you are uncomfortable more. We women sometimes push through the pain and discomfort for the pleasure of the other half and we shouldn’t it ruins the experience. Personally, I think more guys need to stop and go ok it’s not working very well will do this another time. I wouldn’t say seeing your comments that it was SA but I would say you guys need better communication in bed.
Anal sex is tricky!!
Work you was up to the size start with smaller plugs and work you way up till your comfortable!! And make sure you talk to him !! As is can be fun for both parties if the right proactive measures are taken !!
>Am i being too sensitive and overthinking it?
Is there a reason why women think that they need permission to feel their emotions? It is YOUR body so speak up. If you felt like your bf was not being sensitive to you when you experienced pain, tell him how you felt and why you felt that way so going forward, there is an understanding of what is expected from the both of you. He probably thought letting you ‘rest’ was the best thing to do. From your description it didn’t sound malicious or intentional.
Things become issues when you let them fester.
My experience with anal is that it’s not just a matter of relaxing. It’s not just muscles, like a vagina, that are tight. It’s the passageway of your rectum. It’s like skin that needs to stretch out, and go slowly
I find that going really slowly on the way in–easing in a little bit and then basically completely stopping, easing in a little bit further and then completely stopping–is the best way to do it, after which, once you’re comfortable, there can be actual enjoyable thrusting
I have been told both things: it hurts don’t stop and it hurts: stop. So there is not clear communication then I may just continue.
Discomfort is fairly normal. I have been given shit for stopping and losing my hard on because she looked like she was in pain.
It seems to me that his willingness to continue through your pain has hurt your feelings and made you feel like be cares more about sex than you.
Your emotional response is valid, but the thing you fear may not be true!
Communication is really important here. Tell him how you feel. Ask him why he didn’t stop. He may have just assumed that if it was hurting enough for you to want to stop, you would have said so
There is A LOT of grey area in this story. TOO much actually. Its cool that you guys did some prep work but sex is first and foremost about consent and communication. I dont think either one of you was completely clear about expectations. I dont think you’re being overly sensitive at all. It sounds like you were wanting him to do something other than what he did when you said it hurt.
My advice is to figure out what you actually wanted him to do (stop and pull out, stop and do something else, etc) then have a conversation about what you both expect. Implementing a safe word or traffic light system is a good idea but you still have to discuss what specifically will happen if one of you uses these.
You guys just need WAY more communication
I dunno who needs to hear this but anal sex is always going to hurt if the giver just pushes it in. Your asshole needs to “swallow” his penis. Men seem to struggle to not move when it’s going in because it’s so tight and feels good they automatically start thrusting and getting excited. Happens to me all the time even tho my partner knows the story. I have to remind him all the time. It’s hard for them to resist, but if they don’t then it’s going to hurt. I think the reason the people who don’t like anal is, is because they treat it like vaginal sex where the giver just shoves his penis in. It doesn’t work like that. It has to be gentle and you need to relax your anus and let it swallow the penis, if he pushes it’s going to hurt because the anus isn’t designed to have things put in it .
I dunno who needs to hear this but anal sex is always going to hurt if the giver just pushes it in. Your asshole needs to “swallow” his penis. Men seem to struggle to not move when it’s going in because it’s so tight and feels good they automatically start thrusting and getting excited. Happens to me all the time even tho my partner knows the story. I have to remind him all the time. It’s hard for them to resist, but if they don’t then it’s going to hurt. I think the reason the people who don’t like anal is, is because they treat it like vaginal sex where the giver just shoves his penis in. It doesn’t work like that. It has to be gentle and you need to relax your anus and let it swallow the penis, if he pushes it’s going to hurt because the anus isn’t designed to have things put in it .
Maybe bring this up with him before you try again and establish a word that means stop and so he knows what your hard boundary is!
You’re not being over sensitive. Any indication of pain should be an automatic stop for everything.
This is not how you go about anal. It should not hurt at any point. He was going to quickly and rushing you. I’m so sorry he treated you this way, it honestly sounds a bit traumatic- I don’t want to downplay that.
“I guess I thought when he saw me struggling with it he would stop” he should have! Is you wincing and struggling in pain enthusiastic consent? No! If he has zero capability to read body language the last thing he should be doing is trying anal.
You need to have a conversation and tell him that what he did was really unacceptable and cannot happen again. He needs to know that you will not tolerate that behavior in the future
Get a safe word, or just say stop. Then there’s no question.
Did you agree on a safe word to use if you wanted to stop? And regardless of if you did, I’d recommend the stoplight system for new activities or just in general. Pretty simple, green is fuck yes keep going, yellow is slow down or be careful, red is stop immediately and check in with partner. You can use it whenever you feel necessary and he can ask “how are you feeling?” every once in a while to see how things are going. Obviously you can tweak it however you see fit bit just a suggestion. Hope this helps, OP
Communication is key. Let him know that when it darts to hurt that he needs to pull out. Also, add a vibrator to the situation. If you’re being stimulated, you’re more likely to relax and orgasm as well
You need better communication.
Tell him to stop and wait a few seconds before he pushes in even deeper.
I hope it works out! Everyone should enjoy anal at least once.
It takes time to get used to it. Training and mental preparation. It helps to be completely relaxed also. Trying different positions to find what works is always good. There are times I’m READY and no pain involved, times when he just has to slow, and when it HURTS. It takes patience! He did the right thing by stopping for a minute but next time, if it continues to hurt, you should ask him to stop.
Also traffic signals during sex? Wtf sounds like such a turn off just communicate. Faster, slower, harder, softer , yes, no, I like that, I don’t like that, etc… there are so many words to use