I’m aware I can’t “make” or “control” but it’s almost like everyone is more “dominant over me. I am like a social reject. Im everyone’s last choice, no one wants to be close with me, no one takes wants to take or post photos with me. Like They’re embarrassed if they do speak to me.
I try to be super kind to people, I try to greet people, I smile when I make eye contact with someone, I’m polite and use my manners.
But it seems like the more mean someone is, the more people like and respect them. It’s almost like you have to be a “bad” person to get people to like or respect you.
What is wrong with me? How do I become more dominant?
4 comments
Stop being a doormat just so people will like you. The only good that will come of that is you settling for people who mistreat you because you think that being “accepted” (and mistreated) is better than being alone and working on yourself.
What do you mean to say when you say that people are “mean”? Are they straight up bullies? Do they gossip? Do they make racist jokes and everyone laughs? Or are they people who are assertive and put down boundaries?
Are you being authentic or are you fawning so that people will like you? It’s great to use basic manners and to refrain from being an asshole, but walking on eggshells so you won’t be rejected doesn’t allow people to get to know you.
If your entire approach to socialization is “being so gentle and walking so delicately that people will have to love and accept you,” it won’t work. You’re putting on a facade.
You don’t “become dominant,” you work on being assertive and comfortable with yourself. Step 1 is accepting that being alone is better than making friends with assholes.
There’s nothing wrong with being kind, we need as much of that as we can get BUT – our social groups seem to respond really well to a dominant, confident state of mind. You can practice this by leading conversations more often, disagreeing with people more often (better if it’s genuine), and setting firm boundaries with things like time and respect.
As opposed to being just one of the group, this is a bit riskier and comes with different rewards – people often turn to you for advice, you’re more likely to attract partners, you’ll find yourself making choices for the group as a whole. It just takes a little less agreeing, a little more shit-giving, and an absolute belief and discipline in what you want to do with your time. Best of luck 🙂
If you’re in a place where bad=cool, then you’re out of luck. You just have some garbage people around you.
Just because you’re a bad guy that doesn’t make you automatically cool. Sure, maybe in HS and College this works, but in the real world, people are gonna bitch and sideline you.
Conversations aren’t a battle of dominance. You just think they are dominating you because of certain traits. Ignore those traits and talk to them.
For example, I find guys who are jacked super dominating. I just flat out ignore their physique and talk to them. This took me a while to accomplish and now I don’t really care.
People don’t want to be associated with people who have an inferiority complex. I personally believe inferiority complexes are contagious. It’s very easy to identify if a person has an inferiority complex, but hard to tell the reason behind it.
Also, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t go beyond smiling or saying hey! to a person, you may want to go ahead and talk to them. They probably expect you to come up and talk to them, which is essentially an ego game.
Oh yeah, Mean /= cool. I’m really mean (not racist or whatever) but doing that just made me look like an obnoxious asshole. I realized that when I reached college. Now I’m just nice to people, and there is a difference in the way people talk to me.
I understand you want people to talk to you and like you more. But in order for people to do that, they have to have a strong reason to do so. That comes from the quality of interactions you have had with them in person in the past. Do you talk to these people in person ? How have your interactions been with them ? Do you ask them questions and listen to what they say ? Do you answer their questions and do so confidently ? Do you bring positive vibes to your social interactions and do you leave people with positive impressions of yourself ? People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They take into account your self confidence and the vibes you give off.
There are verbal and nonverbal cues that signal to people you lack confidence and give off negative vibes. These are some of the tell tale signs. One is you text people way more than they text you. You probably text them everyday (or some high frequency), when they don’t even do the same to you. You’re probably sending them paragraphs, while they are sending you one word answers or sentences. Or you’re that person that emotionally reacts and confronts people when they don’t respond to you for whatever reason. People know when you are attached to them. Remember that friendships are not codependent relationships. You need to be living a separate life outside of your friends and not be depending so much on your friends for their time, attention, validation, reassurance, or approval. The truth is people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness, clinginess, and desperation.
People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. Do you have skills, talents, or hobbies that can impact people ? Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those kinds of things. Even if you can’t directly impact people, they will still respect you because you are actively doing something in life besides just socialization. Chase excellence, not people !