Me (25f) and my bf (25m) have been together about 6 months.
My bf has a colourful sexual history, and has lost count of how many girls he’s been with. This included threesomes, one of which he did with a friend who I still see on occasion. This came up at the very beginning of us dating (I think he was trying to tell a funny story – but clearly I thought he overstated). I still get the heebeejeebees thinking about it.
I don’t jusge people having casual sex. I myslef have my own history, although it is in the single digits. I’ve had a one night stand, a friends with benefits, and slept with a few guys I’ve dated in addition to my ex of a couple years.
But still, his extensive history kinda bothers me, and I hate that it does. He tells me how amazing I am all the time, and we have a great sex life. No complaints there.
Thoughts? Especially with someone who’s been in a similar situation?
TDLR: my bf has an elaborate sexual history and I’m having a hard time getting past it
8 comments
Focus on the good or decide if this is a dealbreaker to you.
Have you spent some time trying to identify why it bothers you? Are you worried about him cheating on you? Are you worried that you won’t be able to keep sex interesting for him? Why does his extensive history bother you?
Are you sure he has had sex with each and every one of them or are you equating each past partner with sex?
Do you also have a problem with places he has travelled to that you haven’t? What about movies he’s seen? Or TV shows he’s watched? Or books he’s read? Or food he’s tried? Or cars he’s driven? Or classes he took in college?
Everyone brings a variety of experiences to a relationship. Some sexual, some not. You need to take a look at why it’s just the sexual experiences that bother you. Ideally, the unique experiences each of you bring to the relationship help the relationship grow. If you find that you simply can’t get past his sexual history, then really your only option is to split up.
What bothers you about it? Like specifically what are the intrusive thoughts about?
Once you narrow it down you can try and find healthier ways to address it. When you get these intrusive thoughts, stop what you are doing go into another room and do something active. Don’t let yourself feed into these thoughts and sometimes walking through a door way alone can help you reset your thinking. The less energy you give these thoughts the less often you’ll have them.
In my experience you’re where my bf was with me when I told him about my sexual history. He decided (after it had a bit of a toll on him not feeling “special”) to move on with me. I don’t know if he is still bothered by it, but he came to Reddit where someone pointed out we’re all adults and have our own sexual experiences. It’s normal to get weird jealousies.
We used to work together and I found out about ex hook ups he had with customers while we started seriously dating and dude let me tell youuuu I didn’t even mean to act so weird around 1 girl in particular but when she’d order I just had to keep it SHORT. 😅
Months later he and I went out for coffee and ran into her. They’d hooked up 3 years ago, decided to just be friends, never actually hung out but she’d been friends with his now ex after the fact, so I can’t help they have a surface level history now. Running into her this time was a lot easier on me, though it sucked because before he and I started dating I actually really enjoyed her coming to our cafe and would have totally been her friend. Sigh lol.
He does not want anything to do with people I’ve hooked up with so our boundaries are we don’t put one another in the position of engaging with ex hook ups because we both get jealous. This might sound complicated but it’s what works for us to stay clear minded.
All relationships will have these weird agreements in them because we’re all at some degree faulted with jealous feelings or (irrational) insecurities, so if you think this overwhelming thought is a deal breaker then that’s totally valid just as much as it’s valid if you decide to allow time to pass and you yourself can move past it.
What exactly about his past do you have trouble with? The number of people he’s slept with? The threesome? The fact he’s slept with his friend? Do you not feel special? Or are you insecure? Do you have concerns that his past indicates something like he doesn’t know the actual number so do you consider that reckless? Are you concerned he wasn’t practicing safe sex? Or that it’s an incompatibility issue?
Sorry for the questions but I think you should probably talk to him about it, maybe with his help you can figure out the root of the problem and he could assure you. It could be retroactive jealousy spurred on by the fact you’re not used to going out with men with the sexual history your boyfriend has. I can understand that, but if you can’t get past it then maybe you’d prefer someone with the same experience as you?
I would just find a different person if i was in your shoes.