As I get older, things are getting more confusing. I feel a little more confident than ever in some areas, but it’s still very confusing. While I see a lot of peers getting hit on and flirted with, it just absolutely never happens for me. I am very happily married and don’t need anything apart from her, but seeing things like that happen for many others and not me has me questioning myself.
When I was a bit younger, I’d get flirted on a bit every now and then. Sometimes it even happened in front of my wife. She loved it. But it just never happens anymore these days. I think at this age, I’ve got a good workout routine, I know what clothes work for me, I know what haircuts work for me. It took years of trial and error, but I finally feel like I’m in a good place and that I have some reason for confidence.
Except now there’s nothing external that validates that supposed confidence. Some days I question if I’m silly or stupid for even having it. The only things that tell me that I should have it are the extremely biased opinions that my wife or I have of myself.
My wife and I aren’t necessarily open, but we trust each other enough to have some wiggle room every now and then. I think the two of us enjoy it when each other gets hit on in other situations, and if we’re on the same page we grant each other certain freedoms because we’ve been married so long and trust each other so much that we know where each of us comes home.
I do not in any way need some escapade outside of my own marriage to validate myself. But knowing that I’m not crazy in some much more minor way wouldn’t hurt. I feel often like I am letting myself or my wife down by not having that type of value or any reason to expect that I have it. I know she gets a kick out of it, and I feel like I’m letting her down that I’m not earning it.
While I don’t necessarily need something external, I am self aware enough to know that I need something. I have a therapist and this is a theme we often return to. She’s recommended hobby stuff, which I have diven headfirst into in recent years. It helps knowing I have skill in that stuff, but it just doesn’t feel my buckets when it comes to appearance, charisma, that sort of stuff.
Does anyone have advice, help, or recommendations on what I can be doing for this sort of thing? I am really kind of exhausted with feeling lesser-than and of no value in this kind of area and I could really use some help.
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**tl;dr**: These days I often feel like I should have some reason for confidence since I finally know how I want to present myself, but there’s nothing that proves that I should have that confidence. My wife loves it when I get flirted with, but it just never happens anymore and it makes me question myself. What can I do to get in a better mindset and feel as if I deserve that confidence?