i’m (f21) just lost my virginity to my bf (20), and i kind of regret it and feel guilty and kind of disgusted with my self, first off it REALLY hurt and i already knew that was going to hurt ( we tried once before but stopped because it hurt too bad and it wasn’t even in like at all) anyway i kinda just pushed through it and eventually it wasn’t unbearable but it still definitely hurt and he couldn’t get ALL of it in but enough to where we definitely had sex, we both agreed to wait until marriage and i kinda hate that we just did it since it was mainly him who wanted to wait (even tho he was not a virgin) like i was constantly trying to get him in the mood for this to happen and now that it did i hate that it did and i wish i would of just kept on waiting, how can i get over this mental disgust i feel with myself right now 🙁
2 comments
You were probably indoctrinated to negatively judge pleasure. So much that even if part of you wanted this, another part isn’t focussed in the pleasure during the act, and that’s why it hurts.
There’s two things you can start to work on: the first is to discover female pleasure, read about it, watch documentaries or series about it, learn about various kinks and see how your morals react to them, notice what is your judgement towards these things and start to question it, “why is this wrong? What do I think of a woman that likes this things?”. If it helps, try to write this down and see how do you feel about it.
The second thing is to understand that sex isn’t just about penetration. There’s many more things that cause pleasure to women, many many more places to stimulate and ways to play. If penetration hurts, then don’t do it for now. Do the rest.
Also try to keep in mind that whatever you and your partner do, both people need to be enthusiastically consenting.
I was a virgin until marriage (I was a 21F & he was a 23M). We both wanted to wait until marriage, and it was definitely a difficult journey. I remember feeling guilt for other things (less than sex, more than kissing) because we really did want to save those experiences for marriage. I know it’s not exactly the same, but I do understand where you’re coming from. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. This may take some time to move past it, but there is no benefit in dwelling on the past. Decide what your boundaries are moving forward, communicate openly about that experience and what you want in the future, and try to move forward.
I was on the smaller end and even 1 finger was painful for me. I couldn’t wear tampons b/c putting them in was horribly painful, so I knew sex would hurt for me. Like you, we could not get to full penetration initially. I bled from his pinky finger being inserted. We had to work up to it, but he knew all of this and showed so much love and care for me that it was still a very wonderful experience. We spent a lot of time having oral sex and lots of touching while we worked up to being able to have sex “normally.” After a week or 2, it was smooth sailing. I have no regrets. 14 years later, I still bring up to him how much I loved that experience because of the way he cared for me. I felt guilty at the time that he’d waited so long, and then he couldn’t even have “regular” sex because I was too small, but he kept reminding me that we had our entire lives to have sex and just getting to see my naked body and touch me and hold me made for an amazing time. And the oral sex. For sure the oral sex.
Communication and being able to trust your partner in the most vulnerable moments is everything. I understand the guilt and I understand the physical pain you experienced. I hope the two of you move past it together and are able to have those intimate conversations and are on the same page.