My girlfriend(24f) is upset that I(25m) have tattoos of my female friend

39 comments

1. Your gf feels like she can’t compete with a perfect dead woman.

   You should have stopped with the tattoos once you got with your gf.

   She will leave you eventually because it reads like your deepest abiding love is for the dead girl, not for the living one who can be your future. Wake up.

2. The other tattoos you have of other friends do you update them like you do with your Julia tattoo? Do they have a heart and their names as well?
   Do you have any tatts of the gf you say you love?
   It’s time for you to stop digging up the dead and pay attention to the living woman you have in your life.

3. Sometimes we need to look for our people.

   In some circles, that means finding people that enjoy similar pastimes as our own, so that we can be best friends as well as partners.

   Some people it means harboring a certain amount of jealousy, so that the other person consistently feels wanted.

   Some people it means having a respect for that which happened to build us up. (You fit here).

   Some people it means putting the past behind in order to look forward together. (Your girlfriend fits here).

   Your girlfriend thought your initial tattoo was fine. What she’s worried about is that you’ll never move past those feelings. To her, the memory is keeping you from looking forward. For you, it’s about keeping memories alive so they never leave you as you move on. It’s two different ways at looking at what the past can do to a person.

   Will there be people where this is a dealbreaker? Look at the comments, obviously so. Would it be a deal breaker to me or the people in my life? Absolutely not. We all stand on our experiences to take the next steps of life. But if you want to keep working on things with your girlfriend, you’ll have to reconcile the two different ways that you look at the past. And that’s some hard therapy work. Good luck.

4. Not native in english, but I try.

   I kinda understand her.

   Your GF feel like she is in julias shadow.
   She is suppose to be your life partner, but you keep holding on to someone she cant compete with.
   She is gone and you have made it clear no one can take her place. And to GF that tells her that she will never be the one.

   You have all the right to hold on to Julia.
   But your GF have all the right to be botherd by it.
   Emotions works like that.

5. You have to figure what’s more important to you. Keep updating the tattoos or having a relationship with your girlfriend. If I was her I wouldn’t like it either, the lyrics are kind off romantic and you already have tattoos for her.

6. She’s not likely to come around on this. That doesn’t mean you are wrong it just means you two may not be right for each other.

7. I mean I’m not gonna hold you I see why your gf is annoyed. You are getting more and more tattoos with very sentimental lyrics for another woman. Idk maybe you don’t realize but you probably are putting her on the back burner.

8. You have tattoos of Julia and other friends who have passed. That’s cool, the tattoos help you cope with losing them. It is your grieving process. I get that. I don’t have a problem with it, but I am not your GF. Your GF is upset that you have a ritual you follow for Julia. The question you have to ask yourself is who are you going to choose, because the likely outcome of this if you don’t stop is that you are going to lose your GF. This upsets her, but you keep doing it knowing it upsets her, which probably upsets her more. You are essentially choosing a friend who has passed over your GF who is still alive. I’m not saying that is the wrong choice, but that is the choice you are making. Reflect on that choice. Your GF being upset by this is certainly not going to be unique. Some are going to be fine with it, some aren’t. So even if you find someone new you might still find yourself in this situation.

   It also doesn’t seem like you’ve really talked to your GF about why this upsets her. It is possible there is room for compromise or understanding here, from both of you.

9. your girlfriend isn’t wrong for how she feels. but you’re not wrong to keep getting your tattoos. this sounds like a dealbreaker for both of you, which sucks. it’s sweet of you to honor your friend like that and i understand where you are coming from, that the lyrics aren’t romantic. however, when i first read the lyrics, i definitely thought they were from love songs. does your girlfriend listen to TWY? if not, could you show her the songs you’re talking about so she can see they’re not love songs? that’s the only real solution i can see, but i don’t think she’ll suddenly become comfortable with you getting more tattoos, and i don’t think you’ll decide to stop getting them. best of luck!

10. You need to sit down with her and ask if this is a deal breaker. Or you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

11. I get others point about ‘deep lyrics being romantic’ but you’re honoring someone close to you in the only way you feel you can. You’re holding on to a memory of a friendship that was meaningful and tbh I would be honored to have a friend like that.

    Because I am this friend.

    I have a tattoo of the national recovery sign on my right wrist for a friend who almost died of anorexia. I’m turning it into a wristlet type thing, with her favored flower and mine on the vine.
    I mean… I won’t keep adding to them when they’re finished – but – I can see why you would. You want to keep sharing memories.

12. I get it. Most of my tattoos are for my daughter who passed. I get a new one every few years on what would be a milestone for her. I don’t have any tattoos for the people still living in my life. Only one ex ever had an issue with my tattoos. His problem was I was remembering my child and was not willing to get his name on me. I always fear that if I tattoo my partners name on me and we separate it will still be on me.

13. Just based on your comments, you seem adamant that these tattoos are important to you. That’s perfectly fine. You don’t seem to keen on understanding your GF’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it, though.
    People who see those lyrics will assume they’re romantic. You don’t, but others will- including GF. GF doesn’t seem to be a die hard fan of the band and probably isn’t going to remember “Ah, yes. That lyric about being just like lightning when they are together is actually about a drug overdose/suicide (or whatever it’s about, i’m not a fan either).”

    You can acknowledge that something is important to you, even if it’s (reasonably) hurtful to someone else. Personally, I would have a hard time if a partner was getting romantic tattoo lyrics dedicated to someone while in a relationship. I probably wouldn’t be with that person to begin with.
    You’re not really doing anything wrong, but people in relationships have different boundaries around situations as nuanced as this. You should tell your GF if you have no intentions of stopping. That might end the relationship, but this is just an area of potential incompatibility.

    Best of luck

14. Oh dude, I feel for you but come on now. You’re not going to find many people, male or female, who are ok with their partner getting frequent tattoos with romantic undertones for other people.

    I know you don’t see them as romantic, but really, you have her name in a heart? “You’re the reason I won’t want the world to end”?? “From the ground we look like lightning”???

    Idk if you’re still grieving, or just choosing not to see it, but those are very big proclamations of love. And it’s hard to differentiate between platonic/familial/romantic love when it’s just words printed on your body. It gets especially confusing since you mention it’s something you keep doing to this day, *for Julia*.

    I won’t go so far as to say you’re doing something wrong, but you should definitely think about how the memory of Julia is influencing your current relationships. Are you only honouring her memory, or are you doing this as a sort of coping mechanism? Are these tattoos really for Julia, or are they for you? Why do you feel the need to keep getting more? If your gf, or any future gf expressed discomfort and asked you to stop, would you?

    These are questions you need to ask yourself, since these tattoos seem to be taking up a larger and larger part of your life.

15. I don’t think you can really fix this. You either stop and probably resent your gf for making you. Or you keep going and she resents you for continuing too. I see both your points.

16. Those tattoos are too much. Your girlfriend should be the reason “you don’t want the world to end” or whatever those lyrics said. Honestly, if it were me, I’d be gone after that tattoo. Those lyrics and tats make it sound like basically there was more than just friendship going on.

17. >Julia was my best friend and it was never romantic.

    Then it was an odd choice to get her name tattooed with an actual heart. When you get down to it, you have another woman’s name permanently tattooed with a heart on your body. And you’re continuing to get tattoos for this other woman. (“You’re the reason I won’t want the world to end” definitely sounds romantic without context, by the way.) It’s way, way different than a handcrafted necklace hanging from a car mirror.

    **I’m not saying getting these tattoos is wrong.** You do you. Just keep in mind how it might look to others.

    You wrote that you’re not thinking about Julia all the time, these tattoos are just “tradition”. But your gf has to think about Julia every time she sees these tattoos on you. She’s reminded of some woman from your past who obviously meant a lot to you, and still does. The more you explain to her how deep your friendship with Julia was, the more your GF probably feels overshadowed and not heard. Have you listened to what her actual concerns are with the tattoos, or do you jump straight to trying to explain yourself and placate her?

    I hope you two can overcome this, but it might be a dealbreaker for her. And yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a deal breaker for some others in the future, too. But don’t worry about that. These tattoos are important to you, so let them help filter out people you’re less compatible with.

18. It isn’t the face that you have a tattoo for your friend, it’s that you continue to get them and are obsessing over her in a way that is displayed on your body to your girlfriend at all times. It’s offputting.

    You’re of course allowed to do whatever you want to yourself, and there’s no right/wrong here, but understand why it causes these emotions in her and she may never feel ok with it.

19. I don’t think that it’s wrong for you to honor your friend’s memories. I do however, think that even if you and your gf break up, and you get with someone else, they’ll eventually resent it too. I think it’s sweet, but I totally understand why she’d have a priblem with it. Good luck to you. ❤❤❤

20. I honestly agree with what everyone is saying, it can be off-putting. but its YOUR body. what does everyone expect you to do? Wipe the tats off? Your gf has a right to feel weird and you should really give her a listening ear to talk to you about it. But yes, its your body, your friendships, your losses. You cant just get them removed cause someone says so. Just maybe be more sensitive to her feelings, let her feel them. If she really cant take it, maybe you guys arent meant to stay together. Nobody is really in the wrong here.

21. Idk I’m just thinking that’s a lot of lyrics to get tattooed tbh if you get a new one every single album. You really gonna fill in all your skin canvas space with text? Like I get that part of why you get a new one every time is because you’ve been getting a new one every time so far, but like… You are allowed to step it back if that’s what you want to do. I have a couple memorial tattoos; but they’re not continuous projects. I’m gonna have more people I’ll need to remember; that’s how life works. I’d be worried I’d run out of space tbh lol

    I came in here ready to defend you, but there’s a difference between “I have a memorial tattoo for my late best friend” and “I continually get tattoos in memory of my late best friend”. Like, does getting more really benefit you (or anyone) that much in any way? You could have stopped at one. Your girlfriend would probably not have an issue if you just had the one. You turned your own body into a living shrine for your loved ones that you’ve lost and tbh that’s not necessarily healthy. If you’re stuck in the past how are you gonna appreciate the present?

22. I mean I get why your girlfriend is upset. You got her name in a heart and a set or lyrics, which she was fine with, but you keep adding to your tattoos for another woman. She’s living in the shadow of a dead woman, even if she was just your friend. She doesn’t seem feel like she’s priority in your relationship if your tattoos are affecting your relationship. I honestly feel sorry for your girlfriend.

23. I don’t understand all these comments saying that he’s being unreasonable or weird. Platonic relationships are not lesser than romantic ones and from this post it is pretty clear that him and julia were only friends and more like siblings.

    I understand with how society treats men and women being friends why the gf may have a hard time getting it, but maybe try couples therapy. or maybe it’s just a deal breaker.

    But don’t feel bad for your tattoos or traditions, i can’t imagine what losing someone that close to you must feel like and i think that tattoos are very sweet.

    i’m also seeing a lot of people saying leave the dead to rest, he has literally stated he doesn’t talk about his dead friends all the time. Grieving is different for everyone. getting fucking memorial tattoos doesn’t mean he’s some fucked up never
    moving on person who just can’t let go.

    my dad has memorial tatts. his mom died years ago and he just got one for her not too long ago, what do you think he’d have said if i walked up to him and went “god you should really leave the dead dead. get a tattoo of someone who’s alive.”

    literally what the hell???

24. OP, you aren’t doing anything wrong – you are entitled to having your way of honouring your departed friends. You can be incompatible with people who have different expectations and relationships do not work out for all kinds of reasons, but be secure in the knowledge that you are not doing anything *wrong*.

    You can try to have a conversation with your SO about her expectations and if there are insecurities about needing to be The One in **all** ways – it is not unusual for some people to find platonic love too very threatening , and you have to have an open, honest conversation about these feelings and insecurities rather than burying them and turning them into conflicts that are unproductive.

    A conversational situation where you both a) acknowledge her feelings and b) assert your right to have your ways and traditions of honouring your friends is the most diplomatic way of handling this without turning it into a conflict where one of you has to “win”.

    If at the end it is a dealbreaker for you and your SO, then you kind of have to figure out whether you can handle being coerced into abandoning your traditions without coming to hugely resent your partner for it.

25. People are being really weird in this thread and trying to read into your actions with your body way too much for my liking. I’ve had friends pass and I see you and get where you’re coming from. I dated a girl who had some memorial tats for a friend who passed (who she even had a romantic relationship with for a bit) and after talking things through I completely understood and it never once bothered me. Your girlfriend is valid in her emotions, but it sounds to me like she’s pretty insecure in the relationship and projecting those insecurities onto the idea of this “perfect girl you get tattoos for.” You can try your best to carefully assert the sentiments behind these tattoos and what they represent to you (I’d recommend also including details to contextualize how you view tattoos in general), but at the end of the day she may not be able to get over this. It’s not your fault, it doesn’t mean you’re secretly harboring romantic feelings for Julia as some people in here are suggesting, and it’s not your job to change how you memorialize your loved ones to accommodate someone else’s insecurity. It’s your body, they were your friends.

26. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with either perspective. He wants to keep the memory of his friendship alive, she wants him to be able move on, and she’s herself as being able to help him do that.

    Sorry, I guess I’m not very helpful, just observations. But neither one is in the wrong, it’s all different life experiences.

    I guess you guys need a safe place, with a trusted person (or a therapist) to talk openly about it, without it turning into something that it shouldn’t.

    Good luck, I hope that you manage to find a compromise

27. I don’t think your wrong, my male bsf died before we could get our matching tattoos, I still took mine with his initials hidden in it and his “sunrise and sunset dates “ I also have one that represents my dad.

    You’re a kind caring person and their death affected you, and this is how you grieve

28. Are you silly or??? Bro is going to have to fight TChalla if he keeps up those tattoos wtf bruh.

29. Personally I don’t see how this affects your partner and why people are putting it in a light that it would. You had a friend that passed away and you have small memorial tattoos for them. Some people get GIANT tattoos for their dead loved ones, some even get faces and such. A band’s lyrics aren’t a big deal, the heart may be slightly confusing but not a huge deal overall if your partner can accept you were platonic and yknow, this person has unfortunately passed away. Maybe you’re not compatible with your partner but I honestly don’t think you’re in the wrong. Their insecurity is unfortunate because it’s going to mean you can’t talk about someone that was dear to you once who you’ve lost because somehow they’re a threat? It’s bizarre. I’m sorry your friend passed away, I hope you find someone compatible that doesn’t make you feel bad or weird for such a small personal thing.

30. I have 2 tattoos that represent people I’ve lost (I’ve lost more, but these 2 are extremely important to me.)

    First, I get where you’re both coming from. Every time this band releases a new album, you’re brought back to Julia. It’s a connection that you’re not gonna lose. Ever. You reflect on Julia and how she helped build you up. Dude, I get it. If I ever lose my best friend, then I’m going to struggle to find the perfect representation of her. But I wouldn’t go getting a new tattoo from our favorite band every time they release a new album. To me, that’s just excessive and unnecessary.

    Your girlfriend is seeing you get these new tattoos who represent a girl. A girl who I might add was NOT a girlfriend. That’s going to be a kick in the jaw, no matter how you try to frame it. Does your girlfriend KNOW the contexts of these new tattoos BEFORE you get them? Even if she did, look at it from her point of view, “MY boyfriend/fiancee/husband is getting a NEW tattoo of ANOTHER girl. This is his 4th/5th/6th tattoo for her. But he’s not getting one for me?!? Do I have to DIE to get him to get a tattoo for me?”

    Again, I’d find it HIGHLY unnecessary to go the route you did. I have 4 tattoos in total. The 2 I have that are in honor of people are the one I designed for my pregnant girlfriend who was murdered. It represents her and our child (she always swore we were having a girl.) And my grandpa who was extremely present in my life. The ONLY time I will ever get a tattoo of a person is if it’s family, my wife, my kids, or my best friend. And just 1 for each. I don’t need many to represent the person I lost.

    You’ve portrayed to your girlfriend that Julia wasn’t a friend as you claim, but a girlfriend in your obsessive need to get new tattoos from the band every time that they release a new album. And NO woman ISN’T going to second guess you on that. How would you feel if your girlfriend got a new tattoo for a guy EVERY time their favorite band released a new album and they looked like lover lyrics outside of context?

    TL;DR: You’ve been poking the hornet nest.

31. Unpopular opinion it seems… but I think your girlfriend is insecure. Grief is processed in different ways and it’s unfair of her to dictate the circumstances of that for you. If I lost someone close to me, male or female, I would (and do) do something similar to cope with the loss.

    With that said, there are things you can do to reassure her of your commitment to her. I don’t know what the relationship looks like but I would do what I can to reassure and then part ways if that’s not enough.

32. Oof, from your comments it really seems like you don’t want to even consider your gf’s perspective. It’s your choice to continue to do this, but it’s also her choice to decide that this is a dealbreaker. In the end, this is an incompatibility.

    I understand wanting to honor a late friend, but making a tradition out of tattooing lyrics with romantic undertones on your body can be very upsetting for a partner. To her, it likely seems you’re focusing way too much on the past, whether it’s romantic or not. She *knows* it’s not romantic, but she sees you focusing, to her, too much on something that is no longer here, so she feels like she is no longer a priority. It is 100% your decision to continue, but you MUST understand that an unwillingness to consider any other perspective will ultimately drive her away.

33. Your friend died and this is how you like to remember her (and others).
    Your gf is wrong here. She needs to understand that your life didn’t begin when you met her.
    I get that she’s young and there’s some jealousy but maybe have her read this post and ask her to articulate exactly why she’s against this.

34. Lol imagine sleeping with a guy, and looking at his body covered in lyrics for another woman 🥶

35. I understand.

    But at the same time the choice of lyrics comes off as romantic. Maybe the friendship has been romanticized, as often happens after one’s passing.

    It just comes across as a grand romantic gesture (repeated), which i feel like your girlfriend has perhaps never received from you at the same (or greater) scale, and hence the insecurity?

36. Yeah, it’s weird.

37. If every time you two were in bed, you saw another man’s name tattooed across your girlfriend’s chest I’m thinking that might be a bit off-putting. Especially if she got a new tattoo of him occasionally and planned to get more, as well as hanging memorial items of him in noticeable places.

    Not saying it’s wrong to get the tattoos, but I think it’s a bit disingenuous to pretend that it doesn’t make sense why your girlfriend feels weird about this. Have you tried to make her feel special in other ways?

    >Any time I tell her about how deep our friendship was she gets more upset.

    I was going to ask how often you two bring her up, but it makes sense that she might come up in conversation a lot if you have multiple tats of her all over your body in locations that are especially noticeable when you two are in intimate situations.

38. Honestly I think people are overreacting. I see your GF’s pov and her feelings are valid BUT so are yours. You guys need to have a conversation about this, and if it’s something neither of you will budge on, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. I think it’s really sweet what you’re doing for your friend Julia AND your male friend.

39. I don’t know why you’re getting so many downvotes here. Your tattoos are special to you and that’s all that matters. Whether or not other people accept them is more of a ‘them’ problem. You have the right to have those tattoos just as your gf has a right to not like them. It sounds like it may end up being a dealbreaker for your relationship but it doesn’t mean it will be a dealbreaker for all relationships