TLDR: One of my friends [m21] has a secret crush on the other [m20] which he’s struggling with because they’re both guys. He just admitted he ‘used to’ catfish our friend on grindr to try and get nudes and I have no idea what to do with that.
I posted about this situation before but its got even weirder and I really need advice. Long story short, I [f20] have 2 best friends – ‘Ben’ [m20] and ‘Danny’ [m21]. Ben has quite recently come out as bi, Danny has always said he’s straight. For a few months now, Danny has been acting strangely towards Ben, bullying him essentially. We live together and we’ve always been really close so it’s been affecting Ben badly. Lately Danny has seemed very down and he’s been drinking a lot. While he was drunk he confessed to me that the reason he’s been treating Ben that way is because he has feelings for him and doesn’t know how to deal with it. He refused to talk to Ben about it and said he wanted me to act like the conversation never happened.
I was already struggling with what to do but yesterday Danny got drunk yet again and said there’s something he’s feeling guilty about that he wanted to get off his chest. He said that a while back he made a fake profile on grindr (gay dating app in case anyone’s not familiar) to see if Ben was on there which he was. He used pictures from some random person on Instagram. When he saw Ben was on there he wound up starting a conversation with him and got ‘carried away’ and ended up speaking to him quite frequently. He didn’t say exactly what was said and I didn’t want to know but he did admit it was sexual. He said he asked for nudes and Ben said he was too anxious and didn’t want to do that with someone he hasn’t met. Danny said at that point he realised what he was doing and deleted the account.
He says he’s ashamed and it’s part of why he’s acting so strangely. I’m struggling because honestly I think he *should* be ashamed. Even without the catfishing he’s been treating Ben horribly and he’s done nothing to deserve it. The catfishing is so wrong and such a betrayal. He’s adamant he’s not doing it anymore and he begged me not to tell. Obviously outing someone against their will is unacceptable but hiding this from Ben feels wrong. If he finds out it will destroy their friendship. I asked Danny how he’d feel if something ended up happening between him and Ben, knowing that he’s done this – would he confess? He said he’d feel horrible but ‘he’s the one who has to live with this’. He was kind of self-pitying by the end. This has really changed how I see him and I don’t really know if there’s any way of repairing that no matter what happens.
What the hell do I do? Do I tell Ben? He’ll be devastated and what if I’m just doing it to make myself feel better and it’s not the right thing for him? I’m disgusted at Danny’s behaviour but I still care about him and I’m concerned about him. I’m worried about his mental health but I’m also disturbed that he’d go this far. I don’t know how to feel or what to do.
**EDIT**: I think I really need to tell Ben. I’m worried for him. Danny is out tonight so it could be a good opportunity but I still have no idea what to say and I don’t want to traumatise him. If anyone has any advice I’d be extremely grateful.
6 comments
Dude is bullying his “friend” he’s already ruining the relationship on his own. Personally, I’d tell Danny he has to tell Ben what he did and stop bullying him.
The living situation does not sound healthy anymore. Ben deserves to know the truth so he can decide if he wants to live with a catfish creep or not. The last thing he needs is 2 people lying to him.
Danny has ruined the living situation. He should move out. There is no future friendship btwn them bc Danny ruined it.
Personally, I couldn’t stay friends with him either.
He should accept responsibility and move on.
I’ll let others here talk about if/when Ben gets told. But for sure Danny is out. I hope he learned his lesson.
Talk to Ben about how he feels about Danny. Not in a seeing if feelings are mutual way, but a “my friend has been deeply hurt by this person and probably kept how badly it hurts him quiet to keep peace” way. For whether or not to tell him, I think you should think about what you would want someone to do if you were in this situation. Would you want someone to tell you?
You are right about being worried Danny’s behavior will escalate, and you need to prioritize your and Ben’s safety. Danny is the type that when he has feelings, an issue that is his alone, he takes it out on the object of those affections. That’s dangerous.
I also understand being conflicted. Danny is your friend, but he also did something horrible. You’re allowed to feel conflicted. I think it’s worth saying that you are not responsible for Danny’s actions. Both in what he’s doing to Ben and in case he does something to himself in the future if you do cut contact, or if Ben does
Tell Danny that he has a few days to tell him or you will
I’m going to be that person and say Danny needs therapy. He is struggling with his sexual identity and is taking out conflicted emotions on an innocent person. He needs help navigating this big personal issue and a qualified professional is the best route.
In the meantime, you need to tell Danny the above and that he must lay off bullying Ben, and that if he can’t do that, he needs to move out because you won’t put up with him tormenting your (and his) friend because of his unresolved issues. Then tell Danny that if he does not do these things, you will tell Ben what has happened because Ben does not deserve this.
Let Danny take it from there.
I think this friendship is dead regardless.
Danny is not being honest about his motives for staying in Ben’s life, and has been *actively lying to him* in order to obtain compromising photos. Ben is going to be *humiliated* when this comes out.
You do need to tell Ben. Danny’s mental health is a lower priority than Ben’s right to safety and privacy. Ben needs to know that there’s someone close to him that he can’t trust. And Danny needs to experience a consequence for his behavior. Hopefully the consequences is the kick in the ass he needs to motivate him to get help.