46(M) married 24 years to the love of my life. We have a great sex life, but occasionally when she’s on her period I get really horny and I’d like for her to…help me out. I want to say that I am very attentive to her when we have sex, I make sure she has an orgasm before penetration and she tells me she is satisfied. She prefers vaginal sex so after I go down on her or finger her and make her cum she wants me to be inside of her.
She doesn’t like to perform oral sex and refuses most of the time which bothers me a bit. Now before anyone says “Just go jerk off” I do that 99% of the time when she’s having her period, but every once in a while I’d like her to give me a handjob.
Am I being insensitive? When I bring it up to her to try and discuss it she says “Why should you get to release if I can’t?” I don’t really understand that line of thinking. While it’s not really the same there have been times when I wasn’t able to finish due to, I suspect, getting older and being on anti-depressants. There was a recent time when this happened and she tried to help me finish, but it just wasn’t happening. It feels kind of weird saying this, but I was very appreciative and made sure I told her.
At this point it’s less about getting off and more about the feeling that she isn’t interested in making me feel good.
27 comments
She has needs too, especially if she is on her period. She told you “Why should you get to release if I can’t?”. In her mind she does not get anything out of blowing you. This is not for everyone, but you could have PIV with her, while she is on the period. If you are uncomfortable with it, do it under the shower.
No she’s right. She doesn’t enjoy the act, you aren’t owed it and if she doesn’t get anything from it then she shouldn’t do it. Some people find pleasure in simply giving their partner pleasure, others don’t. Both are extremely valid.
Your wife clearly doesn’t. Get over it and accept it.
I can see how that response would hurt your feelings, but I can see it from her pov too. Have you tried offering to get her off too? There’s no reason a period needs to stop all the fun. They make menstrual discs now where you can have sex on your period relatively mess free. The mess isn’t that serious though, nothing a towel can’t save.
Antidepressants can really mess you up.
Other than that… who says she can’t get off during her period? Get some sex toys and use them on each other. Blood washes off most toys no problem. Silicone is great.
I enjoy just having company, even if I’m having a hard time getting off.
What about if you offered a back massage or foot rub in exchange? If she’s doing something she gets no pleasure out of for your sake there are non sexual ways to give something back
My question to you would be have you ever pleasured her knowing from the start there was no chance of reciprocity? Not because you were unable to finish, but going in knowing you were going to bring her to orgasm and not get off at all yourself? And that you were going to perform the act that gets her off that you find unpleasant? And you are feeling not great physically and your hormones are out of whack while your doing it? Just some honest thoughts about why she isn’t just being ‘selfish’ as others have said. Give this some thought and decide if you think she is being unreasonable or selfish. Then I would ask, if your sex life is great in general is having to satisfy yourself one week out of the month is worth making a big deal over? Just a little food for thought
My periods are so bad I’ve missed work and school. Pain killers don’t do shit and I’m on the floor crying for the first 2 days of 8. I vomit and dry heave. I hit a wall of brain fog and depression. It’s also like Niagara Falls. If my SO complained about not getting head during my periods yeah I’d tell him to deal.
You can’t make her. All you can do is talk to her about it. Sounds like she doesn’t like sexual activity during her period. Not much you can do there.
Sorry, why can’t she get off during a period?
Has there ever been a time where you haven’t been in the mood but have pleasured her to completion with no reciprocation anyway?
I wanna say, I find it very concerning and sympathetic that you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t care about your pleasure. I’m sorry that you’re contending with those emotions.
That said, I have a significant question:
Why can’t she get off during her period? Does she not want to be touched, or do you not want to touch her?
If you’re not into getting her off during her period but want a handjob from her, then imho, you don’t really have a leg to stand on. Your wife doesn’t seem to enjoy one-sided sexual interactions, so if you’re unwilling to get her off, then I think it’s unfair for you to ask her to get you off. It doesn’t matter if you would get her off without reciprocation, she’s still allowed to want her sexual interactions to involve mutual pleasure.
If your wife doesn’t want to touched during her period, that’s very different. Obviously still your wife’s prerogative, but if 1) you two are monogamous, 2) she won’t get you off unless you get her off, and 3) she doesn’t want sex for 1 week out of every month, then she’s unilaterally decided that you can’t have sex 25% of the time. If that’s the case, you should tell her how it makes you feel – she should be concerned about you feeling like she doesn’t care about your pleasure, that’s a significant issue in a sexual relationship. It doesn’t mean she should change her boundaries, but there could be other solutions. Maybe she would enjoy watching you, or watching porn with you, or masturbating in the same room while she’s on her period. Maybe there’s an opportunity to communicate better, like letting you know when her period is coming/ending so you don’t initiate and get rejected over it. Maybe she’d be willing to take some nudes/videos of herself to have on hand and send to you as a fun new surprise to get yourself off too.
Why can’t you finger her or have intercourse with her while she’s on her period? I love period sex because it relieves my cramps and other symptoms, and with putting down towels before and showering together after there’s no mess.
If it’s her choice to not be touched on her period then you may just have to accept that you’re responsible for your own pleasure during this time. If it’s yours then you’re deciding to deprive her so you’re still responsible for your own pleasure, and that response from her is her way of saying “yeah sorry if I’m not getting any joy from this I’m not taking charge for yours”. If it’s mutual decision, y’all may need to have more conversations about it and come to a mutually convenient compromise.
I’m younger than you but also married and we’ve been together going on 10 years. Although we’re not as old or experienced let me share some suggestions. My wife luckily is happy to pleasure me on her period orally or hand job. But for the longest time I was the one who felt guilty about this because it was all about me and none for her.
She wasn’t comfortable with period sex and earlier in our relationship wasn’t even comfortable with me touching or doing anything with her during that time of the month, so if it wasn’t mutual I had issues with receiving. Anyway, long story short, my wife and I now regularly have a good routine. She likes to give me a blowjob and usually it turns her on so when I’m done she wants me to use a vibrator on her. Usually over the panties because she’s still uncomfortable with the period. Sometimes we do it opposite, her first me second. She also bought me a flesh light and a couple Japanese male toys, so if she isn’t up for BJ or if she’s just in the mood she uses the toy on me. We’ve also both used our own toys together, mutual masturbation. Maybe your wife would be ok with using a toy on you if she isn’t into BJ. My wife loves the ice fleshlight because she can see everything.
While I don’t think your wife is communicating well by saying if she doesn’t get off then you shouldn’t, I think you should suggest to her that you’d like it to be mutual. Buy her a vibrator and suggest taking turns giving each other pleasure when she’s on her period. She can get off and so can you that way. Being reciprocal is important, but it’s also not wrong if she wants to just pleasure you without receiving (like my wife sometimes) – however it sounds like your wife wants it to be equal rather than one sided which is totally fine. Try some of the above suggestions. If she still isn’t into it I’d suggest maybe couples or sex therapy, to find out why she doesn’t want to connect with you in that way especially if you’re making it mutual.
I wonder if her side to this story is that after 24 years of marriage, her husband won’t touch her while she’s on her period, and he has the nerve to ask for a handy while she’s on her period because he’s horny.
Or maybe she has awful periods, and you can’t wait 4-7 days while she feels like crap.
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>the feeling that she isn’t interested in making me feel good.
But she is interested. You do say that she tried to help you finish recently when you couldn’t. She does want you to feel good. You said you have a great sex life.
Have you talked to her about this?
I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here buddy. Sorry.
Periods suck. She’s likely uncomfortable and feeling pretty miserable. That she doesn’t want to give you a hand job is fair and reasonable in my opinion and getting upset about it is kind of childish.
So yeah, I think you’re being insensitive.
Imagine you get an upset stomach – lasting for days – and you feel bloated and out of sorts. Now imagine your wife asking you for a handy, but she won’t reciprocate because you’re sick. Hmm… Sound fun?
Honestly I would totally bite the head off of anyone who asked me to pleasure them without reciprocity on my period. Like, if you’re not getting in there and helping to relieve some of these cramps with an orgasm, why the h e l l would I want to put effort in to make someone feel good— I feel like shit! I’m tired! I’m in pain! Everything’s pissing me off, and I’ve just spent an entire day remaining pleasant out in the world and I’m home and can finally crumple into the fetal position, and someone thinks it’s a good time to ask me for a handjob?? The selfishness. The audacity.
Everyone experiences their period differently, I certainly cannot speak for your wife; but if this is happening when she’s on her period my bet would be that this is less of a you thing and more of a period thing.
If your wife is not interested in sex, it means she’s not interested in sex. The “why” doesn’t matter at all, she doesn’t need to explain herself. She doesn’t need to justify her disinterest in sex while she’s on her period or ever for that matter. You’ve made this post entirely about yourself and your pleasure only. To be completely honest your attitude comes off as selfish.
Would you be willing to give your wife oral, while feeling unwell, without any reciprocity?
Imagine you get food poisoning for 5 days every month, and your wife is asking you to pleasure her in this time. Imagine if your wife was so callous about your illness and discomfort, and told you that because she always makes you cum when you have sex, that you owe her oral even when you’re feeling like puking your guts out.
As someone who gets periods, there is ways you can pleasure her on her period, without sex.
1) simply suck her tits, I can actually cum from having my tits sucked
2) anal play. (If the rivers red, take the dirt track instead )
3) show her you give a fuck. Simply take care of her. My husband does this and I stf nothing makes me want to pleasure him more.
Also don’t be a dick. As a male you haven’t experienced the effects of a period. Having your hormones up the left, cramps feeling like your insides are going to fall out. To mention a few.
Maybe don’t ask for sexual things when your wife is going through the worst week of the month. Maybe try looking after her.
And as a female I kinda see her point. If she’s not getting anything out it why should she? Maybe try running her a bath, making her dinner, making her a cuppa tea/coffee. Spoil her. Oh and number one – when she’s in the mood MAKE HER CUM
The older the get, the more exhausted I get by menstruation.
Make your wife feel sexy and attractive and desired during ger period. She may or may not give you what you desire, but it certainly won’t hurt.
I was offended when my boyfriend asked me to blow him during my period bc I really wasn’t in the mood
You got to understand her mood bro
Bro, kinda selfish of you to demand unreciprocated orgasms from your wife during a time that she is mentally and physically feeling like complete dogshit.
Why don’t you reciprocate anything just because she’s on her period?
Sounds like a conversation is in order. She does not owe you anything bit also should not have to. I do what my girlfriend likes because she likes it, not because I get something in return. I would not date a person who does not do oral but wants it from me. Its not about resiprocation. Its about caring. My last girlfriend did not like to give oral and did it anyway because I like it.
Just a thought not a solution.
You’re in your mid 40s married for 20+ years, and your sex life is great 23 out of 28 days a month.
Count your blessings, and make sure you have tissues, hand lotion and an Internet connection for the remaining 5.