Most of this is due to the way he has criticised me for most of our marriage. His endless criticism has far exceeded the scope of constructive feedback and for many years it was destroying me until I learned that I should not be staying in the same room with him when he speaks to me that way. It’s been a long journey and there has been some improvement, but after 10 years and three kids, I have never felt cherished by him. He acts like birthdays and anniversaries are an annoying chore. He gives me hugs begrudgingly. He has finally started to see some of the issues in our marriage after I told him I could not take his constant criticism and lecturing on what I should be doing (Eg on how to clean the kitchen, how to feed the kids, nothing is good enough) anymore. He promises me he will get therapy. I just don’t feel like we have an actual relationship. It’s more me managing him and his needs. I can’t change him, I can only change myself. I know that. I’m wondering if it’s worth staying and hoping he responds to the changes I am making or whether that is a pipe dream.
4 comments
Ask yourself a couple questions, Do you think he ever truly loved you? or is your marriage based on sexual infatuation rather than true love? Is there anything that has come up about your pasts (either of you) that may have soured your marriage? If this has gone on forever, maybe you just married a jerk.
I doubt he will change. I also think you accumulated so much resentment against him (rightfully so) that I doubt you can truly love him again. ou are better off leaving and finding respected partner who will love you.
In response to the kind people who have messaged me privately, I hope it’s ok to reply here. I just wanted to say thank you.
One person asked why I thought changing myself would improve things. I wanted to clarify that I mean working on myself to have better boundaries, better self-care, more healthy assertiveness, being a good parent, developing my interests and growing in my faith. And striving to be respectful and decent regardless of what happens around me. I’m not trying to change who I am in order to somehow make my husband happy. I’ve come to conclude that he is very unhappy in himself and with himself. He doesn’t love himself and therefore can’t really move on to really loving anyone else. I’ve been trying to “heal” him all these years. That’s obviously not been a good dynamic.
To the person who very kindly said they hope I don’t believe the criticism of my husband, and who said that obviously if I were really that bad my husband wouldn’t still be around, thank you so, so much. You are very kind. I don’t believe my husband when he speaks to me like I’m a disgusting piece of garbage (basically, with contempt). But I also think it’s not possible even for the healthiest and strongest of people to be around that without being affected. I don’t want to internalise his critical voice. Telling him I won’t listen to that kind of talk and walking away has been the best mode of coping. You are right that he wouldn’t still be around if he didn’t have a good deal. I’ve been patient with him and kind to him even when he hasn’t been to me. I’ve given him my everything. I’ve started to see him change but it might not be enough.
To the person who told me they are experiencing some hope now, I’m happy for you. I hope that continues. Thanks for your kind words and empathy.
A promise without a date is an empty promise. He needs to have a date that it begins and also to commit to attending regularly and working on it.
But then, do you want to wait around for him to maybe improve a little? He might change night and day for the better, or he might only eek a smidgen better. We don’t know.
Life is so very short.